Jezebel
Not only is today Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, tomorrow marks the 35th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision Roe vs. Wade. (Erica Jong weighs in here.) And did you know that one of the most vocal abortion opponents is Martin Luther King Jr.'s niece, self-described "reformed murderer" Alveda King? (King, seen above left, had two abortions when she was younger, and offers up this gem: "We give free sex education, free condoms, free birth control. That's almost like permission to have free sex.") Yup, less than a week after the news broke that the abortion rate in the U.S. is at its lowest in 45 years, the media is coming out with its inevitable "the women behind the abortions" stories, and the (not-so-surprising) news is that the majority of abortions are being performed on women who have already had kids, many of them college-educated. In fact, in the 35 years since Roe vs. Wade, there have been roughly 50 million abortions in the United States, with more than 1/3 of adult women estimated to have had one (a disproportionate number of those women are black or Hispanic). And on this, the eve of the anniversary of Roe V. Wade, I'll say it: I am one of those women.
I had my first abortion at the age of 18, while in the early throes of a love affair that eventually turned emotionally abusive. Fresh off my first year of college, I fell pregnant through a combination of raging hormones, high fertility, and, most notably, sheer recklessness. Four weeks later, hunched over and damp with tears after undergoing a D&C at my local Planned Parenthood, I vowed I'd never behave that stupidly again.
Talk about famous last words: Six years later, I did just that.
I could go on and on about my unwillingness to have a child, about the unsuitability of my romantic partners, or the precariousness of my financial situation as a young women in the big city without a trust-fund or even a savings account. I could talk about the dreams I had for my future, dreams that did not include a changing diapers, nursery school and single motherhood. I could express my belief that the embryos that existed inside me for four weeks were not fully-formed, functioning human beings. And I could converse for hours about my terror at the thought of disappointing my parents, or the long-held conviction (as a young girl I had walked hand-in-hand with my mother at many an abortion-rights march) that it was my right to control over what happened to my body, and that, when push came to shove, if I was going to talk the talk, I was sure as hell going to walk the walk.
But eventually I'd have to come back to the simple fact that, no matter how educated and "aware" I was, when I got pregnant I was young, stupid, and yes, "selfish". (Tracie, who's been through it too, disagrees: "It's not selfish. Having a baby and then not being a good mother would be selfish.") There was nothing comedic, heartwarming or cinematic (a la Juno and Knocked Up) about my getting pregnant (except for the time I was heating up soup in the kitchen and realized I was both barefoot and pregnant), or my choice to end a pregnancy. But most importantly, I was simply not willing or ready to have a child; I was just a baby myself. And although I can't speak of the reasons and realities behind the other third of American women who've undergone abortions over the past three and a half decades, perhaps some of you can?
Who's Getting Abortions? Not Who You'd Think [MSNBC, via AP]
If Men Could Get Pregnant, Abortion Would Be A Sacrament [Huffington Post]
Pregnancy Films Like 'Juno' Skip Message, Go For The Humor [USA Today]
Earlier: Experts Don't Understand Why Fewer American Women Are Getting Abortions
•Do You Care How Dudes Feel About Their Abortions?
•How Much Time Should Women Spend In Prison For Having Abortions?
•How Old Is Too Old To Have An Abortion?
Comments
I thought the "reformed murderer" story would be much more interesting.
She had some abortions that she now regrets? Yawn.
Better than having babies that she now regrets. Yipes.
When I got pregnant at 22 I had just graduated college after a good five years of near breakdown. I was finally on some serious psychotropic meds that worked (and still do!). The drugs I'm on are strongly contraindicated for pregnancy and I was in no way ready to go through nine months unmedicated. Also, I was in no mental condition to be taking care of someone else when I could barely go six months without decompensating.
The intersection of mental illness (of any variety), medication, pregnancy, and abortion is a very tricky one, and it rarely gets discussed.
Well said, very very well said.
Tracie might find some common ground with Caitlin Moran here too:
[www.timesonline.co.uk]
I really take offense to Ms. King's implication that anyone needs "permission" to have "free" sex (whatever she means by "free").
And Anna, I'm so glad there are women like you who aren't afraid of the crazies! Keep on keepin' on.
And I can't see the comments, so if anyone's already said this, I apologize for the redundancy.
Ditto (for most of what you wrote). I was, however, not young. I was 30 the first time and 42 the second time. I have a Ph.D. and a very good job. I just could not do it alone. Sometimes I feel terrible about it. Sometimes not.
Bravo! I am so grateful that more and more women are coming out about their own experiences with abortion. It used to be only those who have since become anti-choice campaigners who revealed prior abortions. I think women like you and sites like Jezebel do a great service by speaking out and letting women know that an abortion is a choice that many, many women do NOT regret. I think by actions like this, future generations will not be deprived of their right to choose.
What would gray abortion be? Anyone?
Sorry. Anyway, I'm just really fucking jealous of you all for having any options at all - up until 14 years ago, the Irish government could - and did - stop women from leaving the country to have an abortion in Britain. Abortions are still only permitted in the very rarest of cases. And yet, my university has an active anti-choice society. I feel like shouting WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO PROTEST ABOUT, YOU STUPID BITCHES, YOU HAVE YOUR WAY AND I HAVE NO RIGHTS when I pass them. Gah.
Thanks very much for sharing this. I think it's really brave and really important for women to talk about abortion in an open and rational way. After I had one at 19, I felt really, really ashamed and disappointed with myself, despite the fact that I had been safe and had done what I could. In retrospect I think that most of those feelings of shame and anger came from the fact that I had to be actively secretive about it, and that there were few women who were open to talking about the (for me) wholly unpleasant experience.
Also, one argument that I always find kind of amusing is the old "what if your mom had had an abortion?" one. Well, as a child whose mother was, quite literally at her PP appointment and decided to leave and have me at age 18, I can safely say that although my mom was a truly incredible single mom, especially at such a young age, that I couldn't blame her (in retrospect, of course) if she'd decided to go through with the abortion.
Had one at 18 as a college sophomore. I can only think of a few friends who haven't had one. We're all married moms with graduate degrees, and I don't think a single one of us regrets it or considers ourself a victim of the so-called "abortionists." There's a story you don't often hear from the media - too bad. And shame on those of us who took advantage of the right and no longer support the cause.
"We give free sex education, free condoms, free birth control." Um where has this lady been the past 8 years? Sex education has been replaced with abstinence only education, birth control access has been restricted now that pharmacists can choose not to fill prescriptions for it, etc.
I've had three, and I was on some sort of BC all three times (once the Pill, twice the sponge). I've never wanted to have children, ever, and I've never had a moment of regret. The end.
Well put. (Especially about the use of 'selfish'.) We need more women saying this.
Oh my god, people are out there having "free sex"! Guess what, King, sex between consenting adults is totally and completely fucking legal. Why are people so against penises and vaginas hanging out together? Worse things do happen on a daily basis like, say, murder. Why not speak out against that?
My mom told me a couple years ago that she had had an abortion before she had her second child, my brother, who is 16 now. She did it because her and my dad were really poor and couldn't afford another kid- at the time they just had me, and we lived with my grandmother and aunt until I was about 4. At the time of the abortion I was 2 or 3 years old. In my baby book, my mom saved an article with quotes from my dad- a bunch of people had gotten laid off right before Christmas, and my dad talked about how hard it was, that we hardly had enough money to eat, and he was spending his last check on Christmas presents for me. When she told me about the abortion I remembered that article. Women have many different reasons for ending a pregnancy, and the pro-lifers love to believe that women waltz in and out of clinics and get abortions as a form of "birth control". It's so unfair to trivialize what must be a very difficult decision to make. (I have not made that decision myself, but even thinking about having to makes me really uncomfortable).
@MissCricket: Thank you. Thank you. I'm on Zoloft and occasionally Xanax, and I've been alternately depressed/anxious pretty much all my life.
So basically I'm an anxious, nervous wreck who doesn't like kids and who freaks out when my cat gets sick. I don't want to get postpartum depression; I've had plenty of nonpartum depression.
And it's rather easy to "regret" your abortion when you've already had it and are past the childbearing age. Or am I wrong?
Basically, it's my body. And I don't believe I'm killing anything at five or six weeks (although growing up in a conservative Christian church I stil struggle with that belief sometimes). Frankly, Roe v. Wade being overturned scares me to death because I've already not had sex due in large part to fear of the Evil Bad Consequences of Evil Premarital Sex. This shit scares me even more. And that's what they want to do-scare people out of sex.
I plan to be amazingly OCD with birth control. But it could still happen. And that terrifies me. If Roe v. Wade is overturned, I may just have to get a tubal or something. Which I shouldn't have to do...but geebus.
I really don't know. I worry about this too often. And I'm tired and need to take my meds. Wait, I already did. I need to sleep. Can't do that. I'm at work. Crap.
Wow.
All I can say is that I'm over here on self-imposed exile from Wonkette, and that this article is so well-thought out and earnest it is making my snark meter go haywire but...must...not...make...abortion...jokes...
Sorry about that. Carry on.
God this is hard.
@unfortumissy: I hate that argument, too. I was the product of similar circumstances, and I wouldn't blame my mother in the slightest for aborting me. In fact, it wouldn't be an issue, because I wouldn't be here, so I wouldn't know the difference!
Props to everyone for sharing!
That old "what if your mom had one" is so lame. If she had, I wouldn't be here to regret it. God. Also, thanks for sharing your story Anna.
I will never regret my choice to not have children when I was neither ready nor willing. I got pregnant over and over and over again from the time I was nineteen until the time I was thirty-two, primarily because I was a sincerely effed-up woman. Now that I'm not, and now that I'm at an age when it's unlikely that I'll ever have children, and now that I look back at my reproductive years actively not reproducing, I remain profoundly and passionately grateful that I could choose to abort.
I had one at 19. I had a very nice boyfriend at the time, too, but it just wasn't what I wanted for my life. I don't think I need to justify it beyond that- for me it was at the same level as choosing which college I wanted to go to, which city I wanted to live in, what career I wanted to have. All life decisions, none of which are considered unreasonably selfish. I felt bad for maybe 3 years afterwards, due to a strict Catholic upbringing, but am totally over it now and sometimes forget I even had one.
at 24 i worked for americorps, making minimum wage teaching 6 year olds how to read in east oakland. i fell pregnant through some dumb "but i thought you were on the pill" moment (wtf, im an idiot) with a fellow americorps member making the same wages. if my sweet little east oakland babies and the life they were born into wasnt enough to convince me that i was not ready, financially or otherwise, to have that baby, then how about the fact that i had to ask my mom to help me out with cash for the procedure?
i'm 30 years old, almost done with my masters degree, and i've had two abortions. the first was when i was 22, the second when i was 26. like anna, i felt pretty stupid the second time - i knew better. or didn't. my frustration with myself was made worse by my boyfriend at the time, who wanted me to keep it even though we'd only been dating for two months and were all ready not getting along. he wasn't conservative at all, but apparently he really wanted a kid and made me feel like shit later for killing his "son" (we had no idea what the gender of the baby was).
there is no doubt that having these abortions were the right decision for me. i really think women do themselves and their children a disservice by forcing a birth they are not ready for - financially, emotionally, whatever. i know i would have resented my child(ren).
even though i was a little upset and depressed after each one (those hormones stick around for a while), i really hate that i was/am supposed to be devastated by what i did. i actually never think about it. but the way women are afraid to talk about them, or are judged for having had them, always makes me feel like i have to break down crying and say that i think about my dead babies everyday, or something. i'm tortured, i'm guilty, etc. nope. i wish i had been more responsible, i wish i'd cared about myself a little more and not had unprotected sex with my boyfriends all the time, but when i think about my abortions what the feeling i have is gratitude. thank fucking god i live in a country where abortion is legal. i am so lucky. then, of course, my next feeling is terror - what if that changes? i think that's my responsibility now - to make sure our reproductive rights are upheld, and that people have even better access to abortions and reproductive health care.
if anyone else had a boyfriend who made them feel bad about what they did, i suggest reading Rebecca Curtis's short story Near Son, which is hilarious and on-point about that situation.
i can't speak personally, but my ex's mom talked very candidly about the fact that she had two (or three?) abortions, all in her thirties. and she was a journalist and then a med student and then a doctor. she just wasn't ready to build a family. and when she got pregnant with my ex while in a relationship that she wanted to make permanent, she had the baby (at the age of.. 40, i believe).
she expressed no regrets. her life would have been very, very different if she had decided to have children earlier. and it was and is HER life. once you have kids, it's their life too. before that, it's just yours. that's not selfish... it's the way it should be.
I'm glad to see more women be open about their abortion experiences. I admit that I'm very torn by the issue. I understand and respect every woman's reproductive rights, but there are many times when I think of how many of my wonderful cousins who were "accidents" could've been easily terminated by abortion.
@unfortumissy: Yeah. That's another thing that I can't get over. If I did have an abortion, I can't ever picture telling my mom. And I tell my mom everything. I just thing she would be so disappointed in me. And I hate that. I mean, I've gotten her to come around to Gays are All Right (at least in some ways), and she's pretty open and everything about sex. We can talk about sex and laugh and joke.
But I just can't ever picture telling her about this. Partly because my grandmother had a lot of trouble conceiving, and I remember her seeing something on TV and remarking about how sad abortion was. And my grandmother is gone now, and I just...gah. I can discuss a lot of topics with my family. But I just don't think abortion is one of them (although when a younger, brainwashed relative told me in 2004 that Kerry supports killing babies, or some crap like that, I did say "You know, it's not like I go into the voting booth, pull the lever, and then perform an abortion.")
Anna, that's a really great piece for today.
I never had an abortion but did have several lengthy and painful cervical and ovarian cancer-removing procedures which have left me with a few key reproductive parts functioning at only a minority of their power. I always knew that if I got pregnant it would probably be trouble.
That said, I also knew that getting pregnant would be increasingly difficult and unlikely every year of my life. It was like I entered my late thirties instead of my late teens.
Three miscarriages later, my doctor told me I had to go on birth control and stop miscarrying all the time, and I adamantly refused. I struggle all the time with wondering if I am doing the right thing.
I had one about a year ago, having just turned 26. I had only been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 months, and neither of us were (or are) ready for parenthood. It's that simple. I had my best friend accompany me to the clinic, and the boyfriend took a half day and came home with an Entourage DVD. We spent the rest of the day on the couch in each other's arms and that was it.
I don't know what it's like, however, for women who live in rural areas without proper education. Living in NYC, it's just not that big a deal. I can't imagine how different the experience would have been for me if I was living in a town in the middle of the country with no resources or support. Everyone I know is pro-choice, so there was no shame involved. Although, I never did tell my parents, but that's just the sort of relationship we have.
Good job to Anna and the commenters.
I had one at 20. I remember that right after the procedure, I sat up on the table, looked the nurse right in the eye and proclaimed - loudly, "That was the best decision I ever made!"
I was probably wobbly and swaying from the anesthesia.
She probably thought I was fucking crazy.
But it was and I actually laugh about the honesty of that statement today. I never mourned, never cried. I might be a good mom, but I never want to be.
I have nothing to share, but I do want to thank you for sharing. Very much.
Only now, after having a child, and being fully and completely besotted by that child, do I realize how lucky I was to live in a state where abortion was not only legal but safe when I got pregnant the first time and decided to terminate. If anything, being a mother has only reinforced my vehement and uncompromising support of a woman's ability to dictate her own reproductive health choices.
Kudos to you, Anna.
I'll never regret the two abortions I had at young ages, just like I don't regret changing my mind at age 27 while on the table for the third and now carrying this baby (and marrying its daddy). I think with decisions as huge as whether or not to abort, the thought process is so drawn-out that, by the time the doctor performs the procedure (or we do the at-home), we're pretty comfortable with our choice.
It may be the circumstances that LED to the pregnancy that we smack our foreheads over, but not the very conscious decisions whether or not to abort.
i'm 22, have a steady job, and will probably be married by 25 (we've been discussing for over three years, no snark please). i know that, as i'm waiting for the arrival of the monthly visitor, if it doesn't come? i will march straight over to PP with no hesitation. i have never wanted to be a mother, have an autoimmune disease that would make pregnancy extremily high risk, and i also know that i couldn't support it, emotionally or financially. how is this a matter of sin, a decision to be disrespected?
thank you, all you ladies who are comfortable (if not proud) of your decision. there are millions of us who back you up.
one of my best friends in austria had one, and didn't tell me until like 8 months later. it was difficult to hear it, because although she was a nurse and extremely independent, she said she the experience was still terribly emotional, and wished she'd had more support throughout it.
it's a tragedy that so many people let themselves be brainwashed into a position that has such a detrimental effect on other human beings.
I had one at 21 when my now 4 year old son was about 6 months old. I'm still not sure how I got preggers again as I was on birth control, but it happened. I knew one kid as a single mom was going to be hard, but I knew I couldn't raise 2 kids on my own.
I still think having the abortion is one of the best choices I've ever made.
I'm still a single mom, and my life is still a little harder than most 25 year olds, but, at least life isn't hard for my son.
Which, if I hadn't had the abortion, I know, my son, would be getting the short end of the stick, and I loved him enough to make damn sure that I could take care of the one I already had.
I had one at 26. I wasn't particularly young or poor, and I kick myself sometimes for being careless about birth control. I don't regret the abortion, though. I was and am too immature to put someone else's needs so entirely in front of my own, was drinking heavily during the 11 weeks before I found out I was pregnant, and wasn't even sure who the father was. The world already has enough children born into bad circumstances, no need to add another one to the list.
When I had one as a senior in college, I was only a few weeks pregnant so I was able to just take a pill combo that forced a miscarriage, instead of having to go through the surgical procedure. For me, that made it a lot easier to deal with.
The hardest part of the whole deal was having to battle through a group of protestors who ambushed me as I was getting out of my car, luckily there were volunteer staff from the clinic who helped fight them off. I was just so mad because they didnt know me or my situation yet were saying some pretty hardcore things to me. And the cherry on the sundae was that the receptionist at the clinic was a girl I was enemies with in high school, and she totally recognized me but did the whole awkward pretend not to recognize me routine. So much for anonimity.
Just like Tracie said in her post, every once in a while I do a little math to see how old the child would be if I had had it. Thats about it.
I always feel like an outsider in these discussions because although I am pro-choice, I am also anti-abortion. Far be it from me to judge any else's decision, and I certainly wouldn't hesitate to terminate a life-threatening pregnancy, but if I found myself up the stick at 18, I would have kept it. But I 100% believe it is a personal choice that no government should be allowed to make for you.
you ladies make me very sad.
@dayglo: that's a wonderful way to put it- I wholeheartedly agree.
Also, it makes me oddly proud and happy that Roe v Wade is older than I am.
@the.bleach: *sending hugs*
this whole discussion is about choice. no one can force you to go on birth control/get an abortion, and no one can force you not too. you're doing the right thing by making the choice.
as someone who works in the reproductive justice movement, i just want to say that these stories are the reason i do the work i do. and to plead with everyone here who has shared to support reproductive justice work with your time, your money, whatever you can spare. i'm the first to find many faults with the major repro rights and feminist organizations in many ways, but the anti-abortion folks truly are very calm, focused, and directed in their long-term strategy to criminalize abortion. if you have a spare penny or a spare moment to give, please consider doing so. or just talk to friends and family, or spend your political vote on candidates who support abortion rights. i'm sorry to be so earnest and sincere but it both inspires me to see so many women sharing their stories and saddens me that so many women (not necessarily the people here, just in general) who have enjoyed the advantages of access to abortion for their own autonomy and freedom don't make time or space to help keep that right for the next generations.
i think de-stigmatizing abortion is important, and it's great to hear everyone open up. but can we talk about the fact that the reason the percentage of abortions had by white, middle/uppermiddle class women with educations and sometimes partners and great jobs is going up is because availability is going DOWN? that it's so much easier to get an abortion when you have health insurance and live in an area that actually has an upper-middle class? that, probably, it's not that MORE women of this demographic are having abortions, just that fewer women in lower socioeconomic brackets (or in their teens. or in rural areas) can get the abortions they want?
so...at what point does life begin? If not at conception, then when....at the moment of birth? How do you feel about partial birth abortion, or the story featured here on jezebel last week about chinese women being forced to adopt in the weeks before their due date?