Jezebel
For three weeks before she moved to Southern California from San Francisco, Meredith dated Paul. "Un-exclusively." And because it is inevitably in those situations when a girl believes that she is entering an unambiguously noncommittal no-strings fling that she finds a guy who is ready to purchase adjacent cemetery plots with her, she had to break it off a few days before she left. He didn't exactly take it lightly. But it wasn't until she told him that an ex-boyfriend of hers with whom she was still friends would be helping her move — and I'm sorry, in situations like this you almost have to call up any borderline sane ex you have, just to assure you that the vast incongruity in your respective levels of perceived intimacy isn't an outgrowth of you having no soul — that Paul really went nuts, texting Meredith that she was "evil" and "a dirty little slut." (She writes: "He also used the phrase "for shame.") Shame indeed!
> From: "Paul"
> Date: January 14, 2008 8:13:14 AM PST
> To: "Meredith"
> Subject: Hi
>
> Meredith,
>
> The words I text you have been rolling around in my head since I sent it- wondering how I could have wrote it. How could I deliver those words. The answer is simple- to hurt. To get my feet underneath me in an environment and situation I am unaccustomed to.
>
> The situation- both heading over to your apartment, and before. If every word you told me was true, if you described was the whole and real scenario you were in, I saw my actions as generous, and facilitating your move. But it wasn't the whole scenario- there was a friend with history. You never mentioned this before.
>
> And so it unfolded- but what was missing was respect for me. Respect for the the good-will behind my actions. Respect for my intimacy, and the right for me to decide who I am intimate with- full consent based on all the facts- my partner's situation included. Where was that?
>
> I wondered how I looked to you in the elevator, with you standing next to your history-friend. Looking at me. Me wondering what's going on, but you not looking out for me. The night before irrelevant. "Breaking up," but wanting to be with me. Until the morning. And throughout the day- "I can't do this." Do what? Have any contact with me? Tell me the truth?
>
> And little respect for my situation- where I work, where I live. You may have been leaving, but this is my San Francisco, and Ninth Circuit job- this is me moving to an area with no timeline of when I will leave. It was a risk- dating you. Risking my reputation. Where was respect for that?
>
> Or even the conversations we had- sometimes just talking and talking and talking. Or the comfort I felt, and thought you felt, waking up before I flew back to New Jersey for Thanksgiving. But even then, there was an element of away- "even if we never see each other I'm still going to enjoy this," you said, or something similar.
>
> Or how "wonderful" I was, in the context of we probably won't see each other again.
>
> So what was real? What was true, and what wasn't? Did you envision a scenario where I visit you one weekend, and then another "friend with history" visits you another weekend? Did our first conversation, when we went out, discussing exclusivity and fidelity with intimacy mean anything?
>
> Where you deceiving me? How easy it was for you to watch me leave- present me with your cheek, after lying with me the night before. How come we weren't inevitable, as opposed to inevitable to be apart?
>
> But that morning, after seeing you and not hearing back from you- knowing you were most likely in bed with Mr. History, I had to have breakfast with my unit. My unit which was inappropriately informed about my intimacy- who I chose to share my bed with. And that person was leaving- apparently under the impression that whatever you said to me didn't matter. How I felt, and the feelings of confusing and betrayal irrelevant.
>
> And overall, just wondering why you didn't tell the truth. The whole truth of your scenario- not definitions of levels of intimacy (dating, history, friends with benefits, an "understanding," etc.) but what I could expect when I lower my guard with you. Me fully invested, and you- who knows. Invested partially? Fully? Why not just tell me...
>
> Why wait until I'm asked, when I see you while you are packing, if I'm leaving? And then you're not there when I get to your apartment to park my car, then presented with your cheek, your physical distance from me, and the message- you're out- forget what I told you. Walk away. No ackowledgment of me, of "us" in any capacity, or how the night before, you wanted to kiss me.
>
> But I'm still here- and I had to face your friends, so well versed in this rumor mill, that morning for breakfast. The full truth, and the faith that you would have informed me of anything that would disappointment or hurt me (regarding your dating situation) shattered. Somehow special to you, your life, gone. A cheapened feeling- no value given to my intimacy.
>
> So I texted you those spoiled words- just as irrelevant as any justification (why didn't you tell me that your friend is a friend with history, who would be spending the night?) that you felt not due me- "it doesn't matter what I say anyway."
>
> And if I would get partial credit for bringing out the worst in each other, then the worst it would be. If I was left alone with the message I thought you were delivering me the night before, then the worst it would be.
>
> No matter- it still feels ugly. And I still don't understand why the truth- the whole scenario- wouldn't have just flown from you. Without truth, there can be no true intimacy. At best, the inadequate salve of an orgasm.
Comments
"At best, the inadequate salve of an orgasm" is simultaneously the least true and most hilarious sentence ever written.
what. the. fuck.
I can't follow this at all. I hope Mr. Inadequate Salve of an Orgasm hands uses Strunk & White before he hands down the next 9th circuit decision.
I refuse to believe any of the authors of these CEFADs actually spend as much time thinking about their relationships as their overall verbosity in their break-up e-mails would suggest.
Wow. Some overworked law clerk has been watching too much Dr. Phil and reading too much Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
"the inadequate salve of an orgasm" - what the fuck??!!
He should also consider learning to write in complete sentences. It's generally expected of lawyers.
That's a whole lotta who-ha for three weeks.
What is his "unit"? Is he a cop or something?
Sentence fragments. I has them.
I had to have breakfast with my unit?
Blah blah blah -- shut the fuck UP already.
In high school, I once had a guy kiss me in the car on our first date (just a kiss!) and then immediately launch into an explanation as to why he needed to be free to date other people since were both going off to college in a few months... As if he was letting me down easy because I was oh-so desperate to snag his sorry ass. I can see him writing a letter like this.
"So I texted you those spoiled words..."
"the salve of an orgasm" is the least sexy phrase I've ever heard. what a complete tool. I guess it shouldn't surprise me how many of these e-mails you get your hands on, but another part of me just can't believe how many people write ridiculous missives like this. Gah. Morons everywhere.
this letter sounds like it should be turned into a song. sung by mary j. blige or keyshia or anyone else always singing about being betrayed
Straight dudes is crazy.
And by the way, I find that Salve of an Orgasm is great for minor cuts and scrapes, and for momentarily stfling the howling black chasm of my loneliness!
"It was a risk dating you--Risking my reputation"
He so wants to be Mr. Darcy....
"Without truth, there can be no true intimacy. At best, the inadequate salve of an orgasm."
In other words, I just babbled on for 2 pages about how much you hurt me, but call me if you still want to fuck.
Um, wha? And obviously this guy has never had a decent orgasm, because I wouldn't call it an "inadequate salve."
His mention of his "Ninth Circuit job" leads me to conclude he is a lawyer. That, and the fact that he sounds just like every loser I dated in the three years of dating hell that some people call law school. I christen him "Juris Douchetorate."
Top to bottom, hilariously crazy.
"after lying with me the night before"? How very Biblically quaint.
And anything that gets me "the inadequate salve of an orgasm," is not such a bad deal.
"Salve"? Like Unguentine?
@entonces: Me neither. But it was entertaining to imagine it delivered--- haltingly--- William Shatner-style.
hahahahahahahahahahaha.
that's a whole lotta words to say a whole lotta nothing.
What the Douche?
"I had to have breakfast with my unit."
Whaaaat? Does that really mean what I think it does?
What happened to just accepting the fact that somebody doesn't like you any longer. To waste so much time sending an email to somebody who really doesn't care for you any longer is borderline insane.
@entonces: Hear, hear.
Good lord. Congrats to Meredith for getting out while she did. Unless they were living together or were engaged to be married - or something equivalent -that manner of email is crazy crazy crazy.
@badmutha: It sounds like he gets bubblegum dick right before he's about to cum.
@athertonmerriweather: Did someone say Mr. Darcy? Where's our Colin Firth photo?
"it doesn't matter what I say anyway."...Ummm...Exactly.
"Did you envision a scenario where I visit you one weekend, and then another "friend with history" visits you another weekend?"
This is my ideal scenario, actually. Sorry.
What is 'my unit'? I am so confused. This man uses way too many dashes.
omg i want to have inadequate salves of orgasms all weekend! no, really, next time my boyfriend gets all passionate with me i'm gonna be all "honey, can't a girl just get a simple inadequate salve of an orgasm, you know, without all the mushy shit?" god, what a tool.
So I'm taking this undergraduate writing course and the other day we had to review each other's work and I think this guy might be in my class. Actually, I think he might be every guy in my class! (I hate "writers.")
@bessmarvingirldetective:
I was going to say it sounds like something Percy Bysshe Shelley would write - if he had a massive head wound.
My unit's more "midnight snacky" than breakfast-oriented.
@tokenblackgirl: Ahahahahaha! I don't know if that's original but I'm co-opting it nonetheless.
Theres a guy in my office that sends these kind of emails to the girlfriend of another co-worker of mine, about how hes in love with her and she's been the most influential woman in his life blah blah blah.
They NEVER dated, never kissed, this has been going on for OVER A YEAR.
She FWDs all his emails to me, and I promptly share them with the rest of the office. Good times all around!
"And if I would get partial credit for bringing out the worst in each other, then the worst it would be. If I was left alone with the message I thought you were delivering me the night before, then the worst it would be."
This paragraph makes no sense whatsoever.
i will be referring to my exes as "history-friends" from now on
God, what a bore. I don't think i could have read this whole thing even if it had been addressed to me!!!!
So...just because she is still friends with her ex, they are automatically still dating? I can just picture him wagging his little finger, and scowling self-righteously when he is bitching to her about "Mr. History".
". . . how I could have wrote it." Yeah. That, or how you could have "written" it. For someone who clearly prides himself on his eloquence...
I'm sorry. What?
He could have (and unquestionably should have) just said, "you hurt my feelings." So much simpler. SO MUCH SIMPLER.
This one isn't enjoyable, it's just awkward and bizarre and hard to follow. Vague. Also vague.
I feel like I don't speak english.
Unit? Wha?
I can't even understand what he's trying to say! And I love the repetition of "your history-friend" and "Mr. History", like her other ex is a former classmate and not someone who previously may have provided orgasm salve.
@JennaW:
One time a guy forced me to take his number--he actually typed into into my phone--and then promptly told me that he was really busy at the moment and had some other people he was seeing and he might not be able to hang out all the time. ??????????
I would swear this was written by my ex, but he doesn't live in San Fran.
Some people's children...
HA HA HA!! I haven't even read the rest of it, but wanted to say "present me with your cheek, after lying with me the night before" is FUCKING CLASSIC.
Does this guy think he can, like, write or something?
YES I forgot how much I missed this!
Oh- the drama that must evolve from poorly pieced poetry, such as. Thy reek of high school emo- and with gratitude to a dig at her ruining his reputation, then one of the worst it must be.
Puke.