Jezebel
Of all the embarrassing stuff that can happen during sex — urine leaks, unwelcome fingers in intimate places, saying the wrong person's name — queefing is right up there at the top of the list. It might be even more taboo than farting. But you know what? That's only because it's something that guys can't do, so they're freaked out by it, which in turn makes us women feel weirder about it. Dudes, on the other hand, find farts hilarious (and so do I, to be fair). But really, besides the fact that it can sound really funny, there's nothing gross about a queef. It's just an emission of air from the vadge that "does not involve waste gases and thus often has no specific odor associated," according to the Wikipedia page about "vaginal flatulence." (BTW, how much do you love that there's a Wikipedia entry about it!? Check out the discussion page that involves "odor edits.") Anyway, so here's the question: when a woman accidentally lets loose, what's the best way for playing it off without losing any of the sexy?
I don't know about anyone else, but I find that I queef most often when I'm switching up positions a lot during sex, especially if I go from an extended period of doggy to missionary. Through experience gained, I can usually feel when it's gonna happen, and I try to do this a sort of scoot/twitch/hip switch thing to try and get the air out of there relatively inaudibly before the dude has a chance to dip his dick back in.
But sometimes there's nothing that can be done about it, and I can't get control of it, and it's unstoppable and seemingly goes on forever. And then when I think it's stopped, some more squeaks out. I know in my head that it's stupid to be embarrassed about it, but when you're fucking someone for the first time, and your vagina is performing a symphony, it's kinda hard to not cringe with your whole being.
One time it happened but the guy was a really good sport about it, so much so that he then pushed down on my abdomen, and more came out, and so on, until he laughed so hard that he farted. That was great, actually. I should get back in touch with him.
But yes, laughing is really the best way to deal. Because if you try to ignore it, it just gets weird. At least for me, and then I lose my concentration and I can't come. And you never want to let manners come in the way of your orgasm.
Comments
Great story. And I agree about the laughing thing. You should marry that dude, because he sounds pretty awesome.
If he doesn't notice, don't say anything. But if he laughs or there's and awkward pause, just laugh. It's really more funny than anything else. I don't think they're gross at all because you really don't expect them, they just come. Plus they don't stink like farts.
I always laugh about it, and not just to cover...it's a legitimately funny noise.
the only thing that weirds me out about the almighty queef is that your pussy lips feel funny when you do it. i much prefer flatulizing (is that a word) with my ass because it feels soooo gooood. i think i enjoy it way too much.
i can't stand how much i loved this story. i've always managed to laugh it off with someone i know, but it can be super difficult to muster the confidence to have a sense of humor about it with someone new. queef with pride!
If someone gets weirded out, I say, "You're lucky you're getting laid. Now quit your bitching and get back to work."
It's never bothered me.
And since I quit smoking pot, I don't laugh uncontrollably anymore when it happens.
Queef away, ladies.
Yeah, my boyfriend usually just laughs and keeps going. He's done that to my stomach too. I guess boys just love funny noises, bless 'em.
Yay! I'm not the only one! Sometimes it happens when I've been sitting for too long at work, that's much more embarassing to me than during sex.
Agree with what the others have said - laugh it off and move on with the good stuff. If he's so immature that he get all awkward or grossed out by it, then I don't want him in my bed anyway.
Maybe I'm disqualified from responding, 'cause my husband and I are pretty familiar with all the stuff that can go weird during sex. Usually I'll warn him (sometimes I'll just shout, "Incoming!" and roll over), and he usually finds it pretty funny. Laughing during sex doesn't make either of us feel unsexy (and some of our best sex has sparked from both of us giggling like children), so no momentum is lost.
My man and I always just laugh it off.
With the current BF I just tell him it means I'm really moist down there from all the sexing, and he thinks it's a good thing when it happens, lol.
Proper Etiquette: Laugh at it.
Whatever -- queefs, in my experience, only happen at the pushing and shoving of a dude. They are to be heartily lol'd at.
i usually just laugh and say, "you did that, you know."
I stood up after sex once and let out the longest queef in history. We both stared at each other while this noise just kept coming from my nethers. It was bizarre.
I've never been embarrassed or bothered by a queef. They're natural! Plus, they don't smell.
Am I a hippie?
I always laugh and my boyfriend is always grossed out, but never enough to stop the sex.
My boyfriend laughs, but I still get super embarrassed by it, mostly due to the fact that they come ripping out in quick succession.
Yep, I just giggle about it and get back to the screwing. There's no use in feeling bad about it.
@bananaballs: Good point. I always end up squirming around on the bed because it tickles.
Agreed with the laughing! My boyfriend not only finds it kind of hilarious, but freely admits that it's his fault for stuffing air up there with his junk anyway.
Thank you for bringing such an important topic to light. This made me laugh so hard that I actually farted, how apropoos.
Aside, my husband has 'taught' our 9 month old daughter to laugh hysterical when she farts, and boy can she rip 'em.
I am laughing my ass off right now at that story SM! And I agree, laughing about it is the best way to deal. Plus, I think being able to laugh in bed, when it's appropriate, is a sign that the sex is good.
Can't say it's been a problem, but the fart-like suction sounds of two greased up bodies rubbing up against one another do sort of take me out of the moment.
I don't even care. It's usually pretty subtle anyway. Besides, the sound is completely different than a fart. It's usually a single rush of air, not a cavitating cacophony of cunt clattering.
p.s. I'd like to nominate this as the best image to accompany a Jezebel post in history. Amen.
I generally just ignore it. I had an ex who was actually turned on by it, and would do that abdomen thing on purposed just to make me queef. He is a little strange.
I'm much more embarrassed when this happens during yoga class. For some reason shoulder stand gets me every time.
@washionfore: When my daughter was about 3, she had to be informed that "honey, we don't fart AT people!" because she thought it was hilaaaarious to aim her butt at folks and let one rip.
*hysterically. ouf, I'm a bad typer today!
@lolly71: LOL...my nose just pecked my keyboard while I was cackling at that one.
@meaghan2k: You stole my comment.
God, I love this. Sometimes I laugh so hard at queefing, I can barely continue...be you just got to get back on the horse...er...dude...
@scrizzlescrazzle: I agree! Farts I find generally hilarious, except for the smelly ones. So queefs are pretty funny...noise without the smell.
I am not embarassed by the actual queef; I' m just afraid they'll think I'm farting! That's why my bediquette when it happens is to loudly go, "That was my VAGINA, you know." Sexy, right?
@lolly71: I know this is going to happen, I just know it. I only hope she doesn't cup it and ask her grandma to smell it.
Another benefit of being married to a doctor. It's nearly impossible to gross him out.
Thank you for posting this!! I never understand why guys are so grossed out by this. Its just air, like an armpit fart. I definitely do it after doggy-style. But for me it is far more embarrassing when I do it during yoga class. Whenever we do that legs behind the head position (plow?) and then roll back down, I invariably let out a loud, slow one. It helps if I cross my legs and squeeze as hard as I can, but then my yoga teacher looks at me funny.
@lolly71: Hilarious.
my guy gets totally turned on by it, because to him it just means there's some real hot pounding going on.
When I was in high school, I was teamed up with an incredibly hot Junior Olympic athlete in gym class. He and I were ultra-competitive and flirted madly in every physical situation we were in (dodgeball, field hockey, badminton, everything) always trying to one-up each other. Anyway, I used to do a lot of situps and discovered that, sometimes when I was on my period, a gassy sound would trumpet from my vagina when I cruched my abdominal muscles. Since we were prepping for the Presidential fitness test, Mr. JOA was my partner and would hold my feet down when I did situps and count my pushups, etc. I decided to reveal my fear to my mom (that this would happen in his FACE) and ask her for advice. The first thing I asked is, what is this expelling of air CALLED, assuming she would know the medical nomenclature (she usually does). She thought it over for a minute and said, "I don't know, a pussyfart?"
I was so mortified. That conversation was over and I had to go hide in my bedroom for three hours to recover.
We usually just laugh it off and get right back into it, but the first time I queefed during sex with my boyfriend (it was still early in the relationship) we were both laughing way too hard to continue, but we were both totally ok with it.
Oh, and once I definitely queefed while standing up at my desk at work. And I had headphones on, so I couldn't tell how loud it was, but I definitely got a few weird looks from neighboring cubicles.
Once, my cousin wanted to know if guys could queef. She then proceeded to crack herself up visualizing it, because she said a dick with a queef coming out would look like "a snake eating a mouse."
And I just realized, I have WAY too many anectdotes about queefing.
@Ananas: Glad I'm not the only one.
Oh my god, thank you, this is my first genuine laugh of the day!
Yeah, it's funny so I laugh. I don't think I've ever been with a guy who thought it was weird or gross though... I mean, it's sex. If it's gooey, hairy, and makes silly noises, you're probably on the right track.
Wow, I think I may have killed my sex drive with that sentence though.
Oh my, I am crying with laughter right now.
Once my boyfriend and I really went at it doggy style, and I could literally feel the air going in every time he thrusted, by after I came I sort of forgot about the fact that it was going to have to come out eventually. So after everything was done, I rolled over onto my back and went to sit up again, but the muscles in my abdomen just forced it out. And it was fucking LOUD. But then my boyfriend just started laughing, and then I started laughing, and then it just kept on coming out.
I don't think there is any sexy factor to queefs, but I think it has potential in showing your sexual humour factor. Which is a good thing, I suppose. Personally I kind of like having that sort of uplifting moment after sex; it's better than going on about how good it was.
@lolly71: @Jeremy: Dying laughing. Fantastic.
And I don't even think it's a funny situation! Ignorable, in my book.
I don't know about you guys, but laughing makes me queef EVEN MORE, which creates a cycle of giggles that ruins any and all gettin' bizy. I don't know where guys get off being grossed out by it though, it's his goddamn fault that air got in there in the first place.
I would probably play it off like in The Hearbreak Kid "That's not what you think it is!" considering that bf and I both saw the movie. Oddly enough queefing has only happened to me once, when I was 20 and having lots and lots of sex.
I'm going to have to play the race card now, because this is only weird for white people. For Black people this is known "She's talking you, baby."
I also think the menfolk probably (most of the time) think it's a fart. Because I've never had the crazy long extended queef - mine always just sound like a little toot fart. But frankly, if you just keep going, it's forgotten in about 2 seconds.
What I hate is when I get them in yoga. Especially in shoulder stand, when my legs are above my head. Sometimes I can just feel the air sucking in, and I think "oh crap, the woman next to me is going to think I've farted when I come down."
@lolly71: That is fantastic!! Farting at people is better than giving them the finger in my book.
@washionfore: Parenthood makes you say some of the most ridiculous things. And then you stop and wonder "did I just say....don't lick the dog...?" This is why parents drink.