Jezebel
At 4:53 p.m., we received an email from Henry Seltzer at US Weekly informing us that the magazine had confirmed that in the event that Britney Spears dies, the Associated Press had an obituary written and ready to ship to the tens of thousands of news organizations that subscribe to its service. A few minutes later I IM-ed Anna, suggesting we sponsor an obituary writing contest, daring you readers to humor her while she was still alive with the type of false dignity and imagined significance she would no doubt be awarded posthumously in the pages of the Times. And about ten minutes after that Anna called me with some odd news: that the photo agency X17 had just posted a gallery of photos of Britney, labeled "EXCLUSIVE: BRITNEY SPEARS NOT PREGNANT" wherein a close-up of her crotch — clad in white panties and ripped fishnets — was displayed. The white panties were red with menstrual blood.
Usually when people in photos are bleeding I get a queasy feeling and have to lie down, but with Britney I just stared for a few minutes. And got up to grab a yogurt. I tried to figure out when I'd be getting my period, failed, and sat down again. (And ate some dates. Maybe soon? Whatevs.)
The moment this woman ceased to be an exaggerated symbol of the distinctly American phenomenon that is "peaking in high school" and started being something different entirely was so long ago no one even remembers it anymore. Was it that first guy she married? Breaking up with Justin? "Do you believe in...time travel speed?" We say we want her to come back, but hello! No we don't! All she ever was to this country was a celebration of our dumbest, vapidest, most brainless guiltiest guilty pleasures. Even her voice is like... the auditory equivalent of Bugle corn snacks. And there I go again, with the overwrought analogies we all use to justify the time I just spent trying to inject meaning into that which is ultimately devoid of meaning, substance into an individual who has none. Who was never allowed to have any.
Anna called up the agency to see how much the period photos were fetching. "They're not for sale right now," she was told. But they're currently visible on their blog. "It was clear she was conflicted about them," said Anna of the woman who co-owns the photo agency. But in this business you don't really feel conflicted until the thing's already up on the internet. UPDATE: Hence with the "obituary writing contest." I was making a point by admitting that. See here for another example an attempt to make this same point.
I don't care about Britney. Perhaps in another time her meltdown would be something of poignance. Even Ronald Reagan's fiercest opponents didn't swarm his house posting photos of him having his diaper changed because hello, mothefucker deserved it for the Falklands/Panama/Iran Contra/whatever. Maybe "hate" is somehow more humane than the sort of sheer, comprehensive indifference we feel towards Britney Spears, even as we have witnessed her every hair color, wardrobe and weight fluctuation fluctuation for ten years at this point. Yeah, it probably is.
I guess we won't know for sure until Lauren Conrad dies.
Comments
There used to be a line. Publicizing crotch shots of a menstruating woman... jesus.
Well, that's a new low.
Jesus Christ.
I can't believe they took those pictures and I can't believe I clicked the link to them.
I think the situation is sad, but, quite honestly, I never thought this girl was anything special. I mean, we're all special because we're God's Creatures and all that, but she was always so run-of-the-mill boring.
I don't like watching her lose her marbles, though.
This is perverse.
What. the. Fuck??
I never thought the day would come when they would take pictures of someones period blood.
As for the rest of this, I totally agree with Moe.
The picture thing is nasty, but what's more fucked up is the obituary thing. How horrifying!
Shocked at this. Really.
I'm horrified. It's safe to say she's mentally ill. Zooming in on her blood soaked panties and then posting it on the internet is like a grown man punching a child in the face.
um...she's not actually wearing underpants in those pictures. It's a napkin or toilet paper or something. ack.
Poor Brit. I'd hook her up with a tampon.
OK, alert the Pulitzer Prize patrol.
I'm now going to crawl under my bed and curl into a fetal position.
Wow. Preemptive obits for washed-up pop stars. Mr. Pulitzer would be so proud.
God DAMN. That's cold of them, even if the photos themselves are not for resale.
I have now crossed the too-much-information line when it comes to Britney. In fact we crossed it long ago, now the line is so far away we can't see it anymore. Anyone know if theres a Firefox plug in that lets me block out all mention of her?
Wow, remember how cute and processed she used to be? It's bizarre that this is the same woman.
Isn't it actually common for news organizations to have files of prepared obits for famous people? Jude Law mentioned this in "Closer."
Oh come on! It's not that horrifying--it's just a period. Who among us doesn't own at least one menstrually scarred pair of chonies?
There should be a global Mental Health rights movement. I am mental and proud.
Actually, prepared obituaries are standard for all public figures. They get updated anytime something notable happens... it's not at all unusual that they have one for her.
That's actually pretty funny.
It's common practice to have prewritten obits and you can bet they've got them on everyone from Winehouse to W to the Queen of England. The period pix-- I have to say that's a new low even for the paps.
@hammerimissu: And I can't believe that I'm upset that the page won't load for me. Gah!
I feel bad for her. The whole family obviously needs help and aren't getting it.
Does anyone else feel like the focus on Britney is similar to the Victorians touring the insane asylms and laughing at the inmates? Kind of pointless and cruel?
for fuck saake.
I vote yes, please for the fake obituary contest.
@Cocotte: But also, people used to make sure they wore pants or a skirt before they went out. I think, or maybe you're right and they just didn't catch Marilyn or Jackie O. or whoever that time they left the house in a jacket and ripped fishnets and dirty underwear.
@Cocotte: I know right? I can't remember the people, but a prominent public figure died back in 2000 and the obituary in the New York Times was written by a journalist who had died two years before!
really, are there no limits. i mean seriously?
as for the paps, really? you mortgage a house w/ photos like that? nice.
her family? um, HELP!!! my mom and dad would KICK. MY. ASS.
and k-fed? stop holding out for the cash homey, go help the mother of your fucking children you waste of space cum machine simpleton.
@LuxLisbon: Yes, it's common. I worked in the newspaper industry for many, many years and lots of obits are ready to go. It's sort of creepy, but handy, too.
@amandahugnkiss: The worst thing about the obituary, to me, is that it would take someone roughly 5 minutes and a trip to imdb to conjure that up. So it's just kind of cruel.
It is sad when you post a picture of how she "used" to be, and the context of the post. And the sad part is- I cannot even indignantly ask myself "How did it come to this?"- Hell- I watched the whole thing happen with a bazillion other people.
Do they want her to off herself? Will they feel a sense of glee when she finally does? What's wrong with everyone?
With the recent news of Jamie Lynn, and watching Brit unravel, I can only imagine she suffered a fate like Jamie Lynn's, i.e., probably molested at a young age. The word "handlers," when used to describe the people who manage these little girls -- who are peddled for Lolita-esque tantalization -- is emerging as a more horrible truth than anyone imagined.
@Cam/ron: Scooped!
@rocknrollunicorn: There were many stories about Monroe and her penchant for not using menstrual products. But I bet there aren't any pictures of it.
The pictures are pretty rancid. X17 has hit a disgusting new low.
However, Britney's outfit and her choice to wear that hideousness..UGH! that is the first piece in this mind boggling puzzle of how and why we are seeing her period stained underwear. It's just all so bad. The jacket as dress, the torn ripped fishnets, the cowboy boots...WTF?
@NatalyaPetrovna: Its a blessing!
Seriously wearing white panties and no pants is not a good mix on you ladies week.
holy crap.
Actually, the paps did this to Mischa Barton last summer. Poor child.
I understand that it's standard practice for celebrities, but is it standard for someone that young? I always thought that practice was reserved more for older celebrities, who could be expected to go any minute (I'm thinking of the premature Bob Hope and Joe DiMaggio obits). Maybe I'm wrong.
That is nasty. Why did I look? That poor child needs to go home, sober up, and wash her hair. And then buy a Diva Cup.
Every major newspaper and wire service has pre-written obits for hundreds/thousands of famous people on file (and there are people paid to update them from time to time). Why they feel the need to announce that they've done one for Britney is beyond me (other than an obvious desire for publicity).
I can't look at the X17 pics but yet another piece of me died knowing that they're out there.
@savaro: Well, I guess it's standard for anyone who seems likely to die. I'd bet the Anna Nicole obit was ready to go as well.
On one hand, it's low that paps took that picture and x17 posted it. On the other, when I'm on my period, I tend to wear a tampon, underwear AND pants.
And, yes, the AP probably has pre-written obits about anyone notable who's (a) old or (b) hard-livin'. I thought it was sad that the NYTimes didn't have a pre-written obit for David Halberstam (wow, second DH reference of the day!). My favorite episode of Mary Tyler Moore is when she's assigned the job of updating all their obits. She and Rhoda get drunk (I think, I haven't seen it in, like 12 years) and she writes all this random crap, except the dude DIES and Ted's stupid and reads it on air.
Huh. I honestly did not expect to see pictures of a, er, publicly menstruating celebrity. I'm actually sort of amazed. As someone who spends way too much time on the internet, I'm not used to that feeling.
@asketchymess: I'm guessing US checked with the AP to see if they had one. US is the org publicizing it. I can't imagine an US obit.
Yeaaaah. Just when you think we couldn't possibly sink to a new low. And I dunno why we're all just sitting back and watching. By "we", I mean her family and anyone who has ever really cared about her as a person.
Assuming there are any, of course.
@savaro: Nope. Any public figure considered to be "in danger" -- the president, foreign leaders, pop stars with a self-destructive streak -- are profiled, per AP policy. And not just the AP -- anyone remember that CNN snafu a few years ago? [www.news.com]
Anyway, not necessarily defending the AP's policy -- yes, it is a morbid one, y'all -- but it's the nature of 24-hour news. When you've got to "feed the beast," as it were, you do it in incredibly unplesant ways.
God, I don't know whether to thank or curse my content blocker thingie at work... Damn. I would say she brought in on herself, behaving as she does, but it's clear the girl has no social barometer. Someone needs to get her a social worker.
@PICKLES_IN_MY_TUNA: I think this is another way for her to play the paps. I think those pantie-less crotch shots are deliberate, and I think this is too. First she openly shops for pregnancy tests, and now this? I thing she is addicted to the attention, and she's running out of tricks. The paps need to stop feeding into her mental illness.
@savaro: Britney could go any minute, right? The way her life is now?
I'm not indifferent. I think it's heartbreaking to see anyone - famous, infamous, anonymous - spiralling downwards, while surrounded only by total (money-grubbing) motherfuckers who just don't give a shit.
Insert the Mos Def "Mr. Nigga" Wooooooooooow here, please.
The whole Britney thing is so sad! As I was drifting off to sleep last night I actually considered how bad things must suck for her right now (yeah, I was stoned). She's obviously mentally ill, and not only does she not have a support system of family or friends to help her, she has the opposite: a whole country of people ready and willing to exploit and humiliate her. Britney Spears' trajectory is like some horrible metaphor for what's wrong with America. Britney needs help, sure, but America does, too!
Who's ready to toke up?
On my first day of film school at NYU I had to write my obituary in 10 minutes. Amazingly some people were able to write like 5 pages.
@calloo_callay: I remember that. She wearing white pants. I felt bad for her. I've been there, as have a lot of women, I imagine.
You have to care to hate.
Pretty fucked up. I know the paps have always set the bar pretty low as far as like, basic standards of decency and respect for others, but I didn't think it was THIS low. I just kind of feel bad for her. I mean, who hasn't experienced this? Granted, I don't think most people would leave the house sans pants while on their periods, but still.
@Threadtrend: I don't think it's so much the period that's horrifying, it's that someone zoomed in on her ladyfriend and snapped away to make some cash.
But yeah, there are plenty of wounded soldiers in my undie arsenal.
Oof. I am ashamed of myself for really needing to see those pictures.
Her life, even without the family drama and the mental illness, is my absolute worst nightmare. The only way I got through adolescence was clinging desperately to the belief, instilled by my mother, that no, everyone in the world was not staring at me and noticing whatever embarrassed me most that week.
OK. To me, the most offensive thing about this is not that someone published photos of a clearly menstrauting woman (I mean, she knows she is heavily photographed and she still manages to not wear pants all the time, so is it not kind of bound to happen? Dude, we've seen photos of her naked vajayjay before, that was WAY more offensive!).
The most offensive part about this is that X17 calls the pics NSFW and "extremely nasty." Can we all just get over the fact that blood comes out of vaginas every now and then? Please?? Why is a bloody movie scene awesome and visible menstrual blood nasty and shameful???? Soapbox vacated.