Hey, it's Condoleezza Rice sipping strawberry juice in the Emirates! Looks like she could use a little of what Hil adviser Sidney Blumenthal has been having!!! And yeah that means DISTILLED SPIRITS. OMG We are so hungover. (How's that for a predictable attempt at self-parody after last week's kinda Michael Richards-y attempt at self parody? We kid, kids.) Lessee. Maybe sipping strawberry juice and conversatin' is preferable to amassing pretend evidence of weapons proliferatin? Because along with John McCain and Barack Obama's poll numbers diplomacy is making a comeback! Oh yes, and speaking of comebacks, all that Barack Blowbama drug use smack talk resurfaced BIG TIME while we were gone thanks to the morally upstanding founder of B.E.T. Also, Wesley Snipes belongs to a weird religious cult that doesn't believe in taxes. Will he be Chuck Norris to Ron Paul's Huckabee? All that and Hillary's horoscope after the J.
MEGAN: Happy Monday crappy hour!
MOE: I'm not sure what happened just then but I'm grumpy.
Did you see Hillary on MTP?
MEGAN: Bits and pieces after the fact. I might've been out a little late on Saturday night.
Are you referring to the part where she blames Obama for promoting her recent statement, which she claims was misunderstood, that it "took a President" to give African-Americans their civil rights?
MOE: Uh no I just saw a little of it. I Tivoed it meaning to watch it and then didn't, because, well, Top This Party: Orange County was on. But uh, I feel like if it had been important for me to watch it I would know that by now? I'm pretty sure the most important Hillary Headline of the day is: Hillary: well duh, she's a Scorpio.
MEGAN: Well, as a fellow Scorpio, I hope this puts to rest all the rumors that she has a sexless marriage.
MOE: And you're in such good company: " After all, it was in the stars: she is a Scorpio and Scorpio rules the instinct for survival. Scorpio also rules cockroaches. Did you ever try to spray or drown them? They can hold their breath and play dead until you walk out of the kitchen and turn out the light. Then they scurry away, laughing. "
MEGAN: Actually, my favorite quote may have to be: "Scorpios do lack subtlety when they have a goal. They get fixated. They zero in. Hillary can't help it. She's an assertive female. (That's why Bill married her. He likes to get slapped around once in a while.)"
MOE: Oh man, so Barack and Bill are both Leos? Interesting.
And Michelle turns out to be a Capricorn. Hmmm. But she's almost cuspy.
Oh man, Bob Johnson of B.E.T.
MEGAN: Hillary needs to stop letting people talk about Obama's drug use, because it always backfires.
MOE: I love how he was all "How DARE you all misconstrue my statement??"
"And to me, as an African-American, I am frankly insulted that the Obama campaign would imply that we are so stupid that we would think Hillary and Bill Clinton, who have been deeply and emotionally involved in black issues since Barack Obama was doing something in the neighborhood - and I won't say what he was doing, but he said it in the book - when they have been involved."
SIGH. I mean, I don't really have anything to say about this. I mean, the dude founded B.E.T. He's one of our nation's foremost business and cultural leaders.
MEGAN: Because that is obviously talking about his political organizing in the African-American community! Not his drug use! Obviously!
MOE: Hey, here's something I didn't know about Bob Johnson: His private equity fund is financed partly by the Washington-based Carlyle Group, while his hedge fund has backing from Deutsche Bank.
He's also partners with Harvey Weinstein.
He should be smarter than that.
MEGAN: He probably is.
But it didn't work as well when they had an anonymous white guy saying it.
I mean, the MLK statements she made were kind of controversial. The article I referenced above is one in which the highest ranking African-Americans in the House of Representatives (and a South Carolinian) publicly speculates on endorsing either Obama or Edwards in time for the South Carolina primary in violation of his promise not to get involved because of Hillary's statements on MLK.
MOE: Yeah, I checked out the comments on that. SinisterRouge got all up in that piece and forced ManchuCandidate to earnestly defend his political views. It was heartwarming! But you know, why don't we talk about our common enemies for once. Polls over the weekend show Hil is still neck-neck w. Obama; McCain is suddenly the wayyyyy frontrunner for the GOP; but back in lame-duckland there is still a whole world out there that could blow us up before November and there is something I did not realize.
MEGAN: Wesley Snipes' trial starts today?
MOE: And okay, I'm ignorant, but the State Department is relevant again? The same State Dept that Colin Powell had to so valiantly break with to launch this awesome war?
MEGAN: But, Moe, they both start with "Ira," they're obviously, like, totally almost the same place! And who better than the State Department to know that?
MOE: Glad you brought up Wesley Snipes. He is arguing that he is not actually legally required to pay taxes on the $38 million dollars he made starring in movies seen by little brothers across US America because he is a member of the Nuwaubians, "a quasi-religious sect of black Americans who promote antigovernment theories and who set up a headquarters in Georgia in the early 1990s." Um, so ...I'm guessing he's a Ron Paul supporter?
I can see Wesley Snipes stumping for a Ron Paul Alan Keyes ticket.
MEGAN: Huckabee wants to scrap the IRS, too, but Ron Paul is crazier, so I'm guessing Ron Paul.
MOE: Do you think Wesley Snipes could beat up Chuck Norris?
MEGAN: Well, Wesley Snipes is significantly younger than Chuck Norris, and significantly hotter.
MOE: Last I saw of him was in White Men Can't Jump so ... yeah. I dunno. Though from the looks of it he hasn't aged. Black men seem to age pretty well though. How old is Eddie Murphy? Like 55? It would be an interesting twist, Barack Obama, on the whole "presidents age 10 years in the first three seconds in office" dynamic. But whatevs.
I'mma support Wesley Snipes because he's part of some wacky fringe group and
Wall Street will always, I repeat always make the shadiest motherfucking tax evaders look wholesome by comparison.
MEGAN: It is, I guess, as an amateur tax-evader, hard to compete with the professionals.
Also, Wesley Snipes was smoking in all of the Blade movies.
MOE: You know who's smoking? James McEvoy!
Atonement just won Golden Globe.
OH wait I think we should discuss Sid Blumenthal
MEGAN: ( Random shirtless picture of Wesley Snipes)
Oh, the drunk? Sure. At least he didn't say "Do you know who I am?"
MOE: what was "aggravated" about his DUI? I was TOO LAZY TO CLICK.
MEGAN: Aggravated just means he had an extra high BAC.
MOE: Oh, like this?
MEGAN: Sorry, that's just here.
No, not that bad. It was aggravated because he was doing 70 in a 30 and drunk and refused a Breathalyzer.
MOE: I wonder if his advice is better when he's drunk.
MEGAN: How good can unpaid advice be?
MOE: Nah, it was the cryin.
MEGAN: [Finishes laughing] I think you get the last word today.
MOE: Haha ok tomorrow I want to discuss Mitt Romney's saving the Salt Lake City Olympics and the McCain's little feud with the Prince of Darkness which is obviously why he's in the lead right now.
MEGAN: Only if we don't call Novak the Prince of Darkness. I don't think he's that high in the rankings. Like, Earl of Minor Despair is more appropriate.
Minor despairs like spotting while wearing your favorite underwear.
MEGAN: And McCain's in the lead because he's like the guy you dump in college because you don't want to settle down, but then you test drive the MBA guy and the minister's son and even flirt a little with the crazy doctor and realize you should've married the college boyfriend and you go back to him and he's still waiting because he knew it was always meant to be.
Which makes the Republican party a total slut.