Where Is The Shoe That Could Unite American Women?

Yesterday Mitt Romney, political mastermind that he is, visited the headquarters — I was going to write "factory"; joke's on me! — of the New Hampshire-based boot company Timberland, and he left without picking up a pair. He had no time! And yes, he is losing, McCain is winning and Bill Clinton is hastening the ascent of Obama and all of this is a lot of pointless babble because Mitt couldn't pay most people to vote for him, but this paragraph in the Washington Post story has to make you wonder:

Not many products in our society speak so neatly, so metaphorically, to bridging divides and appealing to everyone. Tims are worn by the rich and the poor, by kids in the inner city and outdoorsmen in the Rockies. Ladies wear Tims. Timberland is the independent voter.
Where is the shoe that unites us? And yeah, I realize that "ladies wear Tims" and ladies is pimps, too etc. etc. etc. — but with all the media fetishization of female shoe fetishization why is there no shoe that unites WOMEN?? Oh sure, I have a few friends who also exclusively wear black Chuck Taylors, but there is something somehow unpresidential about that.

And while Anna and Jennie both have Tory Burch flats, I would DEF steer clear of a Presidential candidates who supported that cold bitch. (Sorry Jezzes!) The female president of my most audacious hopes and dreams most certainly doesn't rock the Rockport/Naturalizer/dorky white sneaker DC lady shoeiform: a girl can never really LOVE a pair of "sensible" shoes, and a girl who can't love shoes is obvs...a lesbian!

But there's the rub! We can't have our female president browsing for Ferragamos whilst thousands of the lands most destitute go thirsty in an anarchic feces-strewn stadium either! In fact, we don't want her wearing pointy shoes whatsoever in times of war and sadness and poverty and human suffering probably.

No, we need her to be wearing shoes that indicates she is a uniter. Not a frivolous Cosmotinilini blue-state woman of loose morals! Not a fucking dyke! Just a solid, down-home American woman.

And OMG! Don't say "Uggs." Too polarizing.

Alas, Mitt Romney Doesn't Get The Boot Washington Post