"I always imagine what it would be like to go on Howard Stern, because I know the first thing he would ask is, 'What is it like to give an 80-year-old a blow job?'" explains Heather Randall, who married the now-dead comic-philanthropist-Odd Couple member Tony Randall in 1995, when she was 24 and he was 75 and Viagra was three years away from FDA approval, to next month's Marie Claire. So uh, what's it like? She doesn't really say. But: "we had frequent sex until he went into the hospital." Not the time they conceived children, though. That required a fertility clinic, which the tabs reported. "His masculinity was called into question!" Heather laughs. "He actually called his lawyer about demanding a retraction, something he'd never bothered to do before." And the story goes on and on like that. She wasn't a gold-digger. He wasn't gay. She didn't have father issues. He didn't have dementia. They were just a normal, loving family. And Marie Claire seems to believe her! Age is just a number of course! Although Heather does have limits.

"I hope I don't become a cougar anytime soon," she adds with a laugh. "I throw out all my animal-print dresses recently out of fear of exactly that!"

Um ok. So cougars wear Cavalli? Does Heather even know what a cougar is? She uses expressions like "drop me like a hot tomato." And Tony, it turns out, didn't know who Billy Joel was. Did he even know what a blow job was? Didn't he and Rock Hudson probs have some weird fifties code word for that thing they did? Are we spending too much time conjuring mental images we don't want? Yes. Is it possible this couple, like any other unlikely romantic pair whose deeply passionate connection is inscrutable to the average observer, just really loved each other? That beauty is skin deep etc. etc.? That they spoke their own language and as she said when they married, she just liked him because she was an "old fashioned girl"? Sure. Sure it is. It's even possible he was somewhat straight.

But she's still got issues. Maybe she was looking for a grandfather figure?

The Odd Couple [Marie Claire]