Jezebel
In the wake of the story about how a pair of generously-sized underwear put out a fire, writer Caitlin Moran has written an amazingly funny piece for the Times of London on the "practical superiority of big pants." Is it time that big pants — or "granny panties", as they're known on this side of the pond [I call them "period panties" -Ed.] — made a comeback? Moran says she is "pro big pants" and argues that underwear is no longer something people don't talk about; unmentionables are totally mentionable! "In 2008, knickers are no longer a secret," she claims. "Pencil skirts, skin-tight jeans and leggings - they all allow us to witness an exact outline of the wearer's pants." The problem, Moran argues, is that "Instead of having something that, sensibly and reassuringly, contains both the buttocks — what I would call a good pair of pants — they're wearing little more than gluteal accessories, or arse-trinkets."
Moran pleads with women to try out granny panties:
'Why are we starving our bottoms of the resources - like an extra metre of material - to stay comfortable? Why have we succumbed to pantorexia? It is, of course, all a symptom of women's continuing, demented belief that, at any moment, they might face some snap inspection of their 'total hotness,' and have to reveal their underwear to a baying crowd, possibly featuring George Clooney. In this respect, women have communally lost all reason. Ladies! On how many occasions in the past year have you needed to wear sexy pants? In other words, to break this right down, how many times this year have you suddenly, unexpectedly, had sex in a brightly lit room, with a hard-to-please erotic connoisseur? Exactly. On those kind of odds, you might just as well be keeping a backgammon board down there, to entertain a group of elderly ladies in the event of emergencies. It's more likely to happen.'She continues by noting that guys really do not care what kind of underwear women sport. "They're really not that fussy." (Didn't Hugh Grant's character in Bridget Jones' Diary still shag Bridget despite her pillowy panties?) So women have no one to blame but ourselves! And she clarifies that she's not promoting the horrible flesh-colored briefs you may be imagining. Instead, think "bright teal French knickers in silk, ribbony bloomers, frilly cancan scanties and amazing satin shorts from the 1950s."
So how 'bout it, girls? You ready to ditch the thongs?
Coming To A Bottom Near You: Pantorexia [Times of London]
Earlier: Pants On Fire
Comments
That is hilarious! "Arse trinkets?"
@badmutha: My first thought, too. Someone copywright "arse trinkets" ... STAT!
There has never been a time in my life when "underpants" hasn't worked as a punchline. It was funny when I was five, it is funny now that I'm 30.
Pantorexia is genius!
they're called boyshorts. all the fabric, none of the embarrassing panty shots when your shirt rides up.
..Aaaaaaaand BAM! Victoria's Secret goes out of business.
that was the best moment in Bridget Jones, when he pulls up her skirt and says "helloooo mummy". as the lady says, once you're down to the underwear, the guys really aren't too picky.
I've always thought of panties as a way of protecting my clothes from my ass. Not a job for the thong!
I like to think George loves him a pair of boy shorts on a lady's bottom.
@howdybeep: My daughter and I will occasionally look at each other and shout "Undahpants!!!" Of course, we used to watch a lot of "Boy Meets World" and we're both deeply weird.
oh my god. "Arse trinkets" = now a staple fo my vocab, along with catbag.
And yes, I'll weigh in on the side who wishes undies were judged more for comfort and less for wow factor. Seriously cannot stand fabric UP my ass, when it's supposed to be covering it.
I think that arse-trinkets needs to be the Merriam-Webster Word of 2008.
I love my granny panties, or as my sister calls them "full backers". I own one thong that is saved for absolute dire needs. And that is.... Never.
I love granny underwear and I despise wedgies, so I endorse this campaign wholeheartedly.
@badmutha: "Arse trinkets" is phrase of the day.
@flatlands: That's funny too! Protecting your clothes from your ass?! Is your ass particularly aggressive? Just Kidding.
Arse trinkets is my new catchphrase.
And I can totally get down with cute 50s style stuff.
The biggest problem with giant granny panties isn't the VPL, though. At least for me, it's that they'll end up higher than my skirt or pants, even if I'm not wearing something particularly hip-hugging. I'm 5'2", clothes come in petite cuts, undies don't, so the granny ones are actually well above my belly button!
Oh yeah, I am all about wearing 'large pants'. But I do have a well-stocked arsenal of arse trinkets as well. Basically, I wear what I want and no one has ever once registered a complaint. Same with the bikini line maintenance... if dude's concerned about it, he's thinking about the wrong damn thing. The fellas I like like it every which way and god love em.
What a funny lady!
I'm all about the boy shorts. I haven't worn a thong outside the bedroom in a good 2 years or more.
I'm sooo pro big knickers! I refuse to wear underwear w/ foul names such as butt floss.
after spending my college years in thongs (when, if I'm honest, really having sex in a brightly lit room could happen at anytime). I wear pretty much only boy briefs, boy shorts or hipsters, and my ass thanks me. I also haven't had any complaints.
There are only two things that rile up my unflappable boyfriend: my insistance on using the words "underpants" and "poo." Sometimes even in the same sentence. Sorry, I'm sticking with them.
Also, I wish I was British.
@h_a_l: I know. Great word.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Nothing, but nothing beats a snug, but not-too-snug pair of black cotton boy shorts, yo. You get ass coverage, you get comfort, you get sexy. Also fantastic? Manties. Esp. by Adam, 2xist (I know, so gay) and Joseph Abboud.
Viva la granny panties!
I honestly think thongs are just more comfortable! The grannies cut into your butt cheeks or get all asymmetrical and stuff on your ass. Thongs all the way!
@knitsandwich: I can't do boy shorts. Maybe it's my thighs or something, but they manage to ride up into that crook between my leg and my vadge and get uncomfortable with all that extra fabric. I'll stick with my grannies - I don't care if people know I'm wearing underwear.
I was all in until "ribbony bloomers." Now I'm imagining strolling along the beach under my parasol, scandalously exposing my ankle to the sea air when there's nary a gentleman in sight.
I love my granny panties, but am freakishly worried about panty lines. Hence, my large collection of thongs. Suggestions on how to get the best of both worlds?
I just hate how granny panties stick out the back of your pants when you bend over! It's just as bad when the thongs do it, but I need something low cut enough to stay, y'know, hidden.
I will now be using "ass trinkets" ad nauseum. Thank you, British slang.
I can't think of any reason why I would need a thong...sure I have my stash of emergency I don't want pantylines thongs, but I'm mostly all about the boyshorts. Also, French can can frilly things? where can i find those?? I would totally rock that and to me that's much sexier then some sheer fabric up your arse
I only wear panties when I am on my period, and then it's normally thongs just to avoid panytlines. I like boyshorts, but i still get panty lines with those. (Maybe it's because I have A BIG FAT ASS?!?! Or maybe it's because I am a skank and I wear tight jeans.) Anyway underwear for me is never comfortable no matter what size and shape, which is why I veto it all the time except for special dress up for the bf in full out matching lingerie and garter belt events.
I live in London and we haven't worn thongs in a year and a half. Everybody's wearing the french knickers or lovely ones with ribbons and flowers on them.
I loved throwing those uncomfortable bastards away.
Huzzah! I love "granny panties," or briefs, as I call them. I want my butt fully covered and I don't want to be yanking underwear out of my crack all day. I tried wearing a thong once; the experiment lasted all of 10 minutes before I was driven witless by the experience.
i ditched my thongs the day i got them - those things are instruments of torture.
Nope. I will keep wearing my sexy panties. Because they make me feel sexy. And I find them much more comfy than granny panties. I will trade thongs for hiphugger/boy shorts (the Vicky's hiphuggers in their Body line are actually quite delicious), but I'll stick with minimal skivs, thank you very much!
I do have special "I might get laid tonight" panties for when I'm going out... But everyday undies are cotton Marks & Spencer's in dizzy patterns.
@badmutha: Definitely an immediate part of my vocabulary!
This is hilarious, and true. I'm tired of my ass eating my panties because there's not enough fabric and they ride up. But I'm still not sure I'm ready for granny panties.
I LOVE the fact that the times let her write "Men have sex with bicycles!" is giant blue type. I just love Caitlin Moran, actually.
@flynnchick:
What are the French knickers?
That sounds so pretty.
How timely, I just got back from my annual underwear shopping spree. Down with thongs, up with cotton granny panties. Zexy!
@zute: Probably the moment ever in any movie.
My friend swears by granny panties. Back in high school when everyone was switching to thongs her bloomers got bigger and bigger. I prefer boyshorts myself. They cover my butt and I think they're sexy.
oh my god i HATE the word "panties." hate!
i wear boxerbriefs. but sometimes my girlfriend wears frilly lacy things from VS and i die. why am i sharing this?
I recently coined an acronym LUPA to describe the body shape most suitable for Victoria's secret undies.
If I can't walk around my bedroom wearing just the undies without feeling gross about myself, then I don't wear them. Hence, nothing that makes my ass feel like two hamhocks.
Darlin', I ditched the thongs a loooong time ago. They just weren't worth it, and there are other panties out there that don't cause the dreaded VPL.
But yeah,@badmutha: arse trinkets? Lurve!
I bought panties that had a big tag that read "Get Cheeky". They were not full panties and not thongs, but somewhere in the middle. Soooo comfy!
@raleighrolanda: i'm with you on that one. i don't do thongs and have very few in my possession.
@flatlands: clothes need protection from our booties. for real.
@wilmawonker: Same here! I've tried numerous styles of boyshorts, and they just don't work with my arse. They either bunch up, or because I have a bubbly butt, they don't cover my bum all the way and I still end up with a panty line.
Maybe I need to look into some French knickers to alternate with my Hanky Panky's and granny panties.
Arse-trinkets makes me think of those awful metal charms and rhinestones that have been showing up on (esp. VS) panties as of late. Horrible looking *and* must be god-awfully uncomfortable. Plus the boys hate them, and if there's any other reason for buying flashy-showy underpants, I haven't heard it.
This whole thing is just funny. Which is exactly what I needed today. Thanks Jezzies.
Ok, did anyone else notice, in the new Victoria's secret swimwear catalog, there are some of these huge underwear-looking bottoms?
Please see p. 9 - the Red Carter Retro bikini which comes up to above the belly button. (which is not on the website, for whatever reason)
meh, thongs have been 'out' for years.
I kinda hate the word "panties." It's an awkward word to say out loud.
My roommate back in college and I had this conversation where she was like, "you know why women don't rule the world? It's cause we have to wear these stupid things called panties instead of regular old underwear."