Jezebel
Auntie Anne just wrote a memoir. Why the fuck would you want to read a book about the life of Auntie Anne? Well, see, she's a centimillionaire motorcycle enthusiast who grew up a Mennonite in Amish country. She met her husband through a youth group, and married as a teenager. Her second daughter was run over by a tractor and killed when she was a toddler. The death filled her and her husband with grief so immense it nearly ended their marriage. Then they healed their wounds by confiding in their Evangelical pastor and a counselor. It changed them so much they started counseling other Amish country couples. They started a little pretzel business. Her loving and dutiful husband Jonas mistakenly added a "secret" extra ingredient that made them taste awesome. They loved their pastor so much they uprooted their lives and the business to Texas to follow him. And six years later, it turned out Auntie Anne was leading a twisted double life!
Screwing the pastor, of course. This is back in the eighties, when Evangelical ministers were straight.
The very first time she had gone to the pastor's office for help, six months after Angela's death, she recounted, "he seduced me. I was a grieving 26-year-old mother who had just lost her child, with no reason to believe I couldn't trust a pastor, and I felt like I had lost my husband, too, because we couldn't connect anymore. That first day as I left his office, he told me, 'Jonas cannot meet your needs, but I know I can.' "Just reading about the pastor, you get a really sick feeling. It was one of those consensual-nonconsensual relationships that lonely people who do not have a lot of experience with sex find themselves in.
"Jonas and I call him 'The Beast,' " she says. "I would threaten to tell, but he would always say no one's going to believe you, that I couldn't live without him, that I needed him. I was clean for six months before I was able to tell Jonas."God, I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to fuck up your make-up on a Friday night, but is this fucking sad or what? It's okay, they forgive themselves and each other and go on to found a bunch of centers dedicated to counseling people through shit like this, and oh yeah the becomes a pretzel tycoon and makes a shit-ton of money but that's sorta beside the point. Her motto: "Life is hard and God is good and you shouldn't confuse the two." Almost as good as "Be nice to one another and always use condoms"!
The look in Jonas's eyes was unbearable, she recalls. "I'm really sorry, and I'm a very sorry person," she remembers telling him. And she hurried off to work after confessing. Jonas wasn't there when she got home, but eventually, she heard his little truck in the driveway. He came into the kitchen.
"We just stood there, side by side, not touching, and he said, 'Honey, I don't have a whole lot I want to talk about. I just want you to promise me one thing. . . . I want you to be happy. So promise me you won't leave me in the middle of the night with a note on the dresser. If you need to leave, we'll plan it together. I'll help you pack your bags, help you find a place to live, but you have to take the girls."
It was the last bit that broke through to her, Anne remembers, penetrating her own wall of self-loathing.
"I felt overcome by the fact that he thought I was a good enough mom to take the kids with me," she says, crying hard at the memory.
Auntie's Awakening [Washington Post]
Comments
soooo..what's the secret ingredient?
Whoa. So I guess honey mustard isn't the only thing you can get on the side at Auntie Anne's.
super good motto. it's so cute when moe's christian comes out!
Uh, was Aunt Annie supposed to take the kids because she was such a "good mom," or was poor Jonas ready to party once he got rid of the cheating wife?
@bananaballs: as far as i can tell, hot butter injections.
@bananaballs: That's what I wanted to know! It makes me a little worried.
They're still my favorite guilty pleasure mall food.
And...that story made me tear up a little bit.
What al lovely pastor. He's counseling a grieving mother who lost a toddler and he thinks sex with him is the answer? What is it about clergy that it seems to attract people with "I am God's Chosen" complexes where they think they can molest their parishoners/congregants/"flock"? Shame on him.
Wow. So you don't think he just didn't want to get stuck taking care of the kids? Because I know guys who would say this and that would be their motivation. Just sayin'.
That guy's a dick. "Yeah, if you leave, go on and take the kids because I really don't want them anyway."
Oddly enough, it's stories like this that make me believe in love.
@MyFirstAndLastName: @jenndavo: Are we just cynical?
Fun fact: the Auntie Anne's stand in my local mall used to sell weed. The managers and the whole staff were in on it. Awesome.
@hortense: You're hilarious, you fucking dyke.
@MyFirstAndLastName: That's how I saw it, too! Maybe we're just heartless bitches.
I'm also loving the motto, never heard it said quite like that. It is super frustrating when people wail, "Why would God do this to me? He must hate me." etc.
Oh, and how horrible! That same pastor was molesting her preteen daughter at the same time! Ugh.
@MyFirstAndLastName: yeah. "my daughters will only remind me of how much of a cheatin' whore my wife was."
@bluejeans: oh THAT secret ingredient. niiiiice set up. you can score and satisfy you munchies in one easy trip.
I would threaten to tell, but he would always say no one's going to believe you, that I couldn't live without him, that I needed him.
Good God. That doesn't sound consensual at *all*. It sounds like one of those horrific Catholic priest abuse stories.
That pastor was a snake and a sexual predator--preying on the weak and vulnerable, using his power as a trusted advisor against her.
Shit. What's next? Mrs. Fields running drugs? Are there no happy food court stories anymore?
@luciolebizarre: Okay. Seeing that, now I'm convinced that it was less seduction than brainwashing and rape.
What a sick fuck.
@badmutha: @titania1285: @biscuitdoughjones: We're supposed to be bitches today, right? Sensitive Moe confuses me.
@RosemaryF: Yeah, what's wrong with that shit?
I see it the same as Moe. I think he probably wanted the kids too but knew it would tear her apart more to not be with them or something along those lines.
@MyFirstAndLastName: Maybe we are just allowed to be. That's good too, right?
@hortense: The Pretzel King remains a just and kindly ruler.
Also? This is back in the eighties, when Evangelical ministers were straight. is probably the funniest thing I've heard all year.
@MyFirstAndLastName: @bigleggedwoman: @titania1285: @biscuitdoughjones: Sensitive Moe confuses me too. What is happening at the Jezzie HQ? Lots of sensitivity. What does it mean?
since when does "oh and you have to take the kids" translate into "OMG he's so nice to let me take my kids!" Sounds like he tried to ditch them when her pesky fidelity kicked in (albeit too late).
Can she or anyone else explain why there are TWO auntie anne pretzels in my mall and four in my airport? never liked the taste.
@MyFirstAndLastName: That is a pretty high level of cynicism you got there. You should probably have that checked.
I don't get the judging of this man based on out of context quotes from a story that is clearly aiming to say the opposite of Husband Bad. There are generational and background issues here that make what he said to her read very movingly. These people were both suffering and damaged by the death of their daughter... why the hate toward hubby when pastor deserves the loathing?
Because the hate for the pastor is a given.
@jenndavo: Maybe I'm a total cynic, but that's how I read it.
See, I'm going to go with Auntie Anne was the one actually engaged in the conversation with the husband and is the only one who knows the full context of the statement. So I'm going to go with Auntie's interpretation that he thought she was a good mother and not call the husband a dick when he actually still wanted his wife after she cheated on him with the pastor.
Heartbreaking story.
@JennaW: Thanks for reminding me! I have my cynicism blood taste later on this afternoon!
@RosemaryF: Same here. There's gotta be a lot of love between two people to weather the death of their toddler child and infidelity.
Wow. We shall overcome.
@bigleggedwoman: He didn't leave. He didn't run. He didn't kick her out. He was upset and hurt, but he came back seemingly with the intention of working on it. And he said that if she needed to leave, he would help. There could have been a whole lot of ugliness in that moment, but there didn't seem to be any.
@MyFirstAndLastName: Ugh, test. I'm not a cynical vampire, after all.
I want to see the lifetime movie of this.
@hortense: My dad worked on the deal when Mrs Fields was sold to some large company---in addition to cookies, she owned this super kinky mail order lingerie company. the more you know.
anyone else curious about what happened to the pastor? did she ever confront him or move or did he step down or what? yikes.
You can buy weed at any food court in any mall in any town all across this great country. Trust me. Also, a pizza delivery guy without his stash is not doing his job and should be fired.
@RosemaryF: agreed! and he clearly loves his wife enough that perhaps seeing his children everyday would be too much of a sad reminder of the woman he couldn't satisfy if she left?
He said, "...but you have to take the girls." Not you get to take the girls or I'll let you take the girls. No, you HAVE to take the girls.
That sounds like jerksauce to me.
@badmutha: Synched periods, fo sure.
After watching American Beauty, we had the "if you're ever unhappy, please tell me" altered version of that conversation.
@sequined: Starring Meredith Baxter as Auntie Anne!
@j_dot: Yikes. My mom used to have her cookbook. She looks exactly like I thought she would, strangely.
@jenndavo: Betty Broderick is the miniseries to end all miniseries. SO SO Bad. And Meredith is TREMENDOUS!
@hortense: I will seriously watch that shit whenever it's on, Tivo be damned.
@hortense: ha my dad said she looked like you turned barbie into a real person and aged her and teased her hair. it was the 80s tho so ill cut her some slack...
My take is he wanted her to know that she is still a good person and not to leave with her tail between her legs. He did offer to help her pack and plan her move.
Then again I still believe in Santa.
@leah: But this is a quote from memory, and we aren't getting the delivery, just the words.
Honestly, that whole bit about him helping her find a place and making sure she was okay? Not balancing this out for any of you? I thought I had dude issues, but apparently not.
@MyFirstAndLastName: Great! Just in time for the weekend :)