Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue a virtual spanking to the internet's most popular gossip bloggers for their Crimes Against Womanity. Guys, I have a confession. I just could not get offended this week. Maybe it's because I just got engaged [Mazel Tov! -Ed.]. Maybe it's because Obama killed it in Iowa and I am so excited that I just can't get worked up over gossip blogger bullshit. Or maybe it's because I'm feeling upset over Britney Spears and it's taking my focus away from Missdemeanors. But regardless, I do think our usual suspects have taken the meanness down a notch this week and have upped the funny to the point where I literally guffawed over a Todd post on "I Don't Like You In That Way". WTF? So in honor of my general warm fuzziness, I'm giving out pats on the back this week as opposed to clamping on the cuffs. With one exception. (Perez still sucks.)
The Charge: Spewing Endless Amounts of Bullshit
The Accused: Mario Lavandeira from Perez Hilton
The Evidence: Basically every post he's written about Britney Spears in the last fucking year, including this one, in which he has scrawled "INSERT" between Britney's legs.
Points For Good Behavior: None. I am so fucking fed up with Perez's "concerned for the children" routine. Like he gives a fuck about Tater Tot and Small Fry! Like he gives a shit about children anywhere. Obviously Britney is a fuck-up and a less-than-awesome mom. But Perez loves and eats up her downfall, no matter the cost to her children. If I have to read one more iota of pseudo concern for Sean Preston and Jayden James, I am going to stab myself in the eyes.
The Sentence: I don't know, I just want him to rot.
YAY! Now for the real winners this week: our usually offensive, piece of shit bloggers who actually broke out the funny and shut out the cruelty.
The Funny: Coining the nickname "Tommy Girl" and other hilarities about the farce that is TomKat.
The Winner: My future gay best friend forever (call me!) Michael K at DListed.
The Hilarity: "Awwww...poor Katie. Somebody really needs to sit her down, pour her a cup of Chamomile and gently break the news to her that babies don't come from storks. She's probably sitting by the window every single day waiting for her delivery. I mean that's where Tommy Girl said Suri came from, so what's Katie supposed to think?"
The Prize: An invitation to a Jezebel Cuddle Party.
The Funny: Finding something interesting to say about Fergie and John Duhamel
The Winner: Still-a-loser-but-atleast-he-has-one-redeeming-moment-in-his-life Todd at I Don't Like You In That Way.
The Hilarity: "Josh Duhamel is on a Mexican beach painting. Seriously, he has an easel. Painting. Maybe next time he can sit under a parasol and wear a silk scarf. Which would be about 100 times better than what Fergie is wearing. Apparently she went to Mexico to read people's fortunes. Is she some sort of gypsy? If so, will I get that big promotion? Oh Fergie, please do tell what the stars have foretold!"
The Prize: Duh, our stamp of approval for once.
The Funny: Totally calling out Milo Ventimiglia for his weird stroke face, which has bugged us since episode one of Heroes
The Winner: Surprisingly-docile Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Hilarity: "[Milo Ventimiglia] talks out of the side of his mouth like he had a stroke. It's wildly irritating. I feel like he's trying to tell me something in code, like he's trying to whisper that someone is behind me, so an episode of "Heroes" is nothing but 60 minutes of me turning around again and again and saying, "what, where?""
The Prize: That was so funny, we might be willing to kiss him, should he ever get the privilege of sharing the same breathing space as us.