John Edwards: Rohwr!S

So this occasion: just how historic? That and other pressing questions, from "doesn't Britney look way cute in those pix?" to "who is Chuck Norris's hot wife and is it Anna Nicole Smith she looks cloned from?" to "which candidate do you feel most sorriest for?" to "do you feel better or worse about Evangelical voters now that they've voted for a tax-loving bleeding heart former fat kid closeted crazy person in lieu of terrible capitalist chastity belt wearing Mitt Romney?" and "is this maybe even actually good for McCain?" asked and maybe even answered by us after the jump. Also, homoconservablogger Andrew Sullivan predicts "black America" is going to wake up. Because he speaks for that monolithic entity in a much classier accent than Al Sharpton!

John Edwards: Rohwr!S


MOE: I think I'm going to start a rule today and write subheads into my IMs
This occasion: Just how historic?
MEGAN: Can I be just a little, tiny bit sad that everyone was like, whoo-hoo, white people in the Midwest don't really hate black people?
MOE: Oh did you read Jezzie Does Des Moines?
It's not that they had a problem with black people,
it's just that they worried about Southerners having a problem with black people.
MEGAN: Because, while upstate NY isn't the Midwest, it's Midwest-y and I didn't hear anyone say anything about him. They're too busy all pretending to hate Hillary.
Right, I did read that! It was awesome. I love that she had her kid with her and still tried to pick up a guy.
MOE: And knitted!
She's totally my hero
Such a multitasker
MEGAN: She's definitely my hero! I could definitely only do 2 of those at a time.
MOE: Knitting looks so hard!
I can needlepoint but not knit
MEGAN: Also, while perhaps her baby was young and thus aslepp, I had a vision of a toddler running around
MOE: Her kid is four!
MEGAN: I can crochet and needlepoint but I never learned how to knit.
MOE: Def not asleep.
MEGAN: Whoa. That must've been one well-behaved child. Congratulations Iowa Jezzie!
MOE: Barbie made this little knitting thing once where you could knit Barbie tubedresses; I could do that.
But my hands were so small then!
Small like a child laborer's.
MEGAN: My mom knits. I got a scarf for Christmas.
MOE: ANYWAY, so I was kind of thrilled last night.
Where were you?
MEGAN: I was first at an Obama party that I had to leave to come home and blog and then was pissed I had to leave because he won
Preview of Wonkette party coverage: high proportion of men for Obama are extremely hot.
Also, I'm pretty sure I would've had a date if I hadn't left.
MOE: Oh my god, keeping in mind for New Hampshire!
Was there a big sense of "OMG historic" surprise? And uh, what about Huckabee?
MEGAN: Well, I left at just before 9 because I have that new boss guy and he wanted us to blog, but cheers erupted when the second set of results came out that showed him winning, so I can only imagine it turned into a wild time.
Oh, Huckabee. Him.
Did you notice that all through his speech the woman over his right shoulder was Chuck Norris' wife, not Janet?
MOE: Also, where was the Washington Post Style section on all of this? I remember some story of them going back and re-doing the entire section the night John Lennon was shot. I mean, this is not THAT but.
YES! YES
new subhead
Chuck Norris's Wife Is Hot.
Her name is Gena O'Kelley and she's maybe a former Brazilian model?
MEGAN: Although, she's is (at a minimum) Botoxed
but, yes, she was very pretty, though I do have to say that I liked what Janet was wearing when they eventually showed her. It had some sort of sparkly thing on the lapels. I like sparkly things.
What was REALLY funny it that Huckles turned around after the speech was over, expected to find Janet where Gena was standing and someone had to point out that Janet was standing the other way.
MOE: You know, I'm no "body language analyst" but I'd say Janet is maybe not thrilled about the prospect of her crazy terrorist family getting even more blogger attention from this crap. But that's okay Janet, I'm going to give you a pass on that because I just found this awesome website all about Chuck Norris. Sample entry: "Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried."
MEGAN: OMG, Moe, have you truly never experienced the wonder of the Chuck Norris fact generator?
That's the whole point of their commercial!
MOE: Says Julie "They're so gay for each other! They're like junior high boys!"
Chuck Norris is "like his one cool friend." It's a Superbad situation.
That commercial is awesome though.
Ughhhhh.
MEGAN: Also, yes, it is man-love.
MOE: OMG.
MEGAN: I was sort of happy I didn't really listen to his speech because I was too busy blogging Edwards', who by the way was like seriously hot when he got all forceful. No wonder he broke Elizabeth's rib with the hot sex.
MOE: See, here's the thing. Chuck Norris. Walker, Texas Ranger. THAT is his claim to fame. And maybe...Bowflex? Who the fuck is this guy?
Oh yeah, Edwards's speech was awesome.
MEGAN: Chuck Norris I believe was like a Bruce Lee protege?
MOE: John Edwards: Hotter than Chuck's wife.
MEGAN: Rowr
Like, usually I don't find the pretty boys that sexy because they're too girlie, but, mmmm, man candy.
MOE: His speech was wonderful.It was the first time I found myself thinking, OMG hottest presidential ticket ever.
Who Did You Feel Sorriest For?
MEGAN: Is Judith Nathan an answer?
MOE: Um, I was thinking more along the lines of Chris Dodd, but...
MEGAN: Did you see Rudy last night on TV? Slathered in makeup, sitting by himself in front of a background that said something like "strong and tested"
It was creepy

MOE: I did see him sounding weary and depressed. The party I was with HATES HATES HATES him. I don't hate him that way. I think, "Oh my god nowhere near Bush." The problem that he and Huckabee and Bush all share is that arrogant hormonal certitude about everything. The thing Dick Morris says is Hillary's biggest failing, only she adds sanctimony to the mix. That's the thing that scares me. I actually found it somewhat hopeful that Evangelicals would rather vote for a fiscal liberal who liked to free convicts from prison in the name of forgiveness than Mitt Romney. I don't think it was his Mormonism that scared them off though I could be wrong. I give Iowa conservative Caucus goers more credit than that. For some reason.
MEGAN: No, I agree, it doesn't seem like it was his Mormonism as much as his CEOism
MOE: Okay also Britney crazypants looks kind of totally cute in this picture.
Also maybe we should discuss McCain.
MEGAN: Also, people at the Obama party last night kept hounding me about whether I was really an Obama supporter despite me saying that I was there to cover it for Wonkette so I finally caved and said that I didn't like Hillary, but wasn't sure about anything else and they were cool with that.
MOE: Yeah isn't it weird to talk to your reporter friends who are actually "objective"?
MEGAN: I have reporter friends? I know, like, you, and three other reporters/
MOE: My friend Madden has been covering Huckabee the whole time so he's like, blinded by the Huck.
Every night he IMs MOE: "Hanging out with friendly Christians is...trippy."
And I'm like but WHO DO YOU LIKE????
He doesn't know.
The same cannot be said for Andrew Sullivan.
Now watch black America wake up.
MEGAN: Wait, what?
What?
This I do not understand.
"Black America"?
MOE: Right, this is their siren song
MEGAN: Because black people are a monolithic entity?
Also, why is there a woman in the cartoon with Andrew Sullivan?
Also, it would be like saying Gay America is a monolithic entity
MOE: And they listen to bareback Catholic british AIDS-infected bottoms.
MEGAN: Like, say, that they all vote Democratic all the time
MOE: Hahahaha.
MEGAN: Power bottoms
Also, in the cartoon, the dog appears to be looking askance at Sullivan's ass.
Which, if a dog won't even sniff your butt, you got problems.
MOE: dogs love my entire body waist down. Maybe because I rarely shower and therefore smell more like their excrement than normal humans? Also I still don't know what to say about McCain. Oh also, are you concerned about the Clintons hate machine now that Obama is so popular? My aunt called my mom to say she was worried about that.
MEGAN: He was very gracious about Huckabee winning, slammed Romney for negative ads and kinda looked like a decent guy.
Her pretty little hate machine? Well, here's hoping that McCain's right from his speech last night that going negative doesn't appeal to voters in NH, because it sure as shit works on everyone else.