Scarlett Woos Iowa With Epic, Husky-Voiced Campaign Speech For Obama

Scarlett Johansson is in Iowa supporting Obama! She was photographed in Coralville, Iowa (it's between Iowa City and Cedar Rapids, doncha know) giving a FIFTEEN-MINUTE SPEECH! Wearing a hat designed to subliminally remind us of that time Bill Clinton bombed the Sudanese pharmaceutical factory. Remember when you thought, like, so what's our beef with Osama Bin Laden such that we are trying to track him down in harmless little Sudan? Times change! And yeah, I thought I knew Scarlett, and I totally took her for a boring vote-for-the-first-woman-president person. She sort of reminds me of the pretty (I mean, pretti-er) version of Chelsea Clinton, for some reason. (They'd totally be friends! Can't you see Scarlett refusing to answer a nine-year-old's question with the line "I don't talk to the press"? I bet she wouldn't hesitate to punch out the twelve-year-old paparazzo.) But anyway, maybe she's changed. If only slightly, like her nose. Because this news makes me feel more positively about Scarlett, as opposed to more negatively (or, let's be fair, at all negatively) about Obama.

Maybe I didn't give her enough credit. For one thing, she bothered to show up in Iowa, and some retarded celebrity blog is the only media outlet that seemed to bother to show up. I checked three separate Iowa newspapers! Did you even know they had that many? Ha ha guys, just kidding. Anyway, we have no idea how bright or clean or well-spoken she sounded — though we do know she was typically "smoky voiced" — but we do know she looked cute and that Iowa is fucking cold right now, so like, until we hear reports of you offering to sew the hems of Obama's stinky pants — don't piss off Michelle! — points for good civic behavior, Scarj.

Scarlett Johansson Stumps For Obama In Iowa [OpenAllNight]