Iowa Caucuses Tomorrow! And Al Sharpton And Michael Moore Are...Fat Blowhard Pussies

OHMYGODOHMYGOD, it's almost January 3! Do you live in Iowa? Hillary has an underage baby-sitter for you. Go to college there? Barack Obama has a bus waiting to take you back so you can exhibit your youthful delusion that a black man could be voted president in this terrible country. Today is a very exciting day, because both Al Sharpton AND Michael Moore, pillars of the fat ugly blowhard hater lefty establishment we all so love, have finally chosen to weigh in on the Democratic candidates, and their choice is...well they're still on the fence. Here is a theory: the candidates are all too pretty for them. I mean, would you even do a double-take if you saw Elizabeth Kucinich walking down the street with Barack Obama or John Edwards? After the jump we discuss beauty, socialism, whether the country is irredeemably racist, and somehow, professional basketball, for your voyeuristic pleasure!

MOE: OMG THANK GOD YOU'RE BACK HUGE DAY HUGE DAY. How's your car? And happy new year
MEGAN: happy new year! and, it's not in great shape
i barely passed the inspection i was supposed to have had done last month and, given that cops drive my my place constantly, i didn't want a ticket for a lapsed inspection on top of everything else
MOE: Oh my god srsly. This one time when I lived in LA I was driving around and got, like, arrested for having a missed inspection. Or not arrested but they insisted on towing my car. Whatever. CARS. I hear those come in handy in places like IOWA.
MEGAN: almost as useful as tractors!
MOE: We have like nineteen minutes but annoying michael moore non-endorsement of anyone out. He likes Hillary but she refused to be interviewed by him for Rolling Stone so he doesn't like her. He likes Kucinich but Kucinich is endorsing Obama. He doesn't like Obama because he "doesn't think Wall Street is such a bad place" although that's sort of unsourced. He likes Edwards because he fell hook line and sinker for that fucking "corporate greed" line, which is admittedly a good line, but corporate greed is directly responsible for why John Edwards has made so much $$$$ suing corporations that he can now lavish buying votes in Iowa which he has been doing for the past four years.
MEGAN: At least he's not endorsing Ron Paul?
Also, Hillary Clinton is the love of Michael Moore's life? Way to beat the charges that you traffic in hyperbole, Michael
MOE: Ugh the statement bothered me so much. For one thing, insurance companies are really nowhere near as evil as pharmaceutical companies, they're just an easier target.
And seriously, corporations are not inherently greedy but, ehhhhh, that's another story I guess. Did you read To Be Young And In Love With Ron Paul??? I skimmed.
MEGAN: It doesn't surprise me that they smell bad?
Wait, I'm still skimming? They can't drink, toke or fuck? They're really just high on life?

MOE: Yeah they're total losers now I understand why you hate them in other news what REALLY SERIOUSLY REALLY FUCKING BOTHERS ME about Michael Moore, back to Michael Moore — who I love, by the way — but this statement:

Sen. Obama has a big heart, and that heart is in the right place. Is he electable? Will more than 50% of America vote for him? We'd like to believe they would. We'd like to believe America has changed, wouldn't we?

MEGAN: Wow, he actually went with "a black guy can't win"? Sigh.
Oh, Michael. Way to call everyone racist while being kinda racist
MOE: If you must believe that half of America is so irredeemably racist and foul, Michael Moore, then why is he the favorite Democrat candidate of Republicans? Why are independents the ones who are supposed to tip the scales in his favor???
Hahahaha exactly.
He has no real problem with Obama other than maybe he suspects him of being a lightweight... and then goes on to almost-endorse John Motherfucking Edwards???
MEGAN: I mean, I think my grandpa would have trouble voting for Obama, but not that much if he was facing Huckles.
I love, btw, that Morre had to "get past" Edwards' hair.
I don't want to get past his hair! I want to run my fingers through it!
MOE: Personally I would like to house-sit for John Edwards.
I'm sure there's a poll somewhere of that right?
MEGAN: Ooh, good call. But, no, would still rather run my fingers through his pretty, pretty hair.
Ooh, good call. But, no, would still rather run my fingers through his pretty, pretty hair.
MOE: That just made me think of how FUCKING ATTRACTIVE those two Dems are. Imagine Obama w. Edwards as his running mate. And Elizabeth, all skinny from the cancer! And their pretty spawns. These candidates don't get enough credit for being hott IMHO.

That just made me think of how FUCKING ATTRACTIVE those two Dems are. Imagine Obama w. Edwards as his running mate. And Elizabeth, all skinny from the cancer! And their pretty spawns. These candidates don't get enough credit for being hott IMHO.
MEGAN: Well, don't forget Michelle!
Well, don't forget Michelle!
MOE: Michelle goes w.o saying obvi.
Michelle goes w.o saying obvi.
I will just slobber if I allow her to enter the conversation at this point.

MEGAN: And, yes, they all had fucking adorable kids.
MOE: But wait, speaking of pudgy blowhard pillars of the leftstablishment I personally love but in whose irrelevance I am taking great enthusiasm AL SHARPTON.
Did you read that NYT story of a few weeks ago?
I mean a few days ago
In which it is revealed that Jesse Jackson's daughter was one of Michelle Obama's bridesmaids
Found it.
MEGAN: no! i only read the Post one where he talks about how important he is
MOE: Yes but does he talk about himself in the THIRD PERSON???
MEGAN: No. Thankfully. One annoying thing Al Sharpton doesn't do.
MOE:
"A black candidate doesn't want to look like he's only a black candidate," the Rev. Al Sharpton, the civil rights activist, who ran for president in 2004, said in an interview about Mr. Obama. "If he overidentifies with Sharpton, he looks like he's only a black candidate. A white candidate reaches out to a Sharpton and looks like they have the ability to reach out. It looks like they're presidential. That's the dichotomy."

MEGAN: Also, I cannot abide Al Sharpton. Al Sharpton who said that me and nearly every person I ever knew until I was 18 (because I spent my entire life in upstate NY) were all unreconstructed racists because of what we "allowed" to happen to Tawana Brawley.
10:06 AM
Tawana Brawley who the grand jury said faked it all, and who ran away to avoid a civil judgment against her.
So, I try not to write about Al Sharpton too much because he basically said that all us rural white folks are irredeemable and I somehow can't hear him talk about race relations in this country without the bile rising.

11 minutes
MOE: I forgot about Tawana. That just made me think of Tawana Iverson. That was her name right? Allen's wife. And her weird fruity cousin who made up all this shit about how he was a wifebeater. And how the Philly cops bought it hook, line and sinker. Because Iverson was an ungrateful thug who didn't go to practice. And yeah they were racist, but not irredeemably racist. A lot of black folks thought Iverson was a nogood thugpunk whatever too. And I dunno, I personally think Iverson just had some demons; he was a really interesting wiry little dude who would have been happier playing in the days of Magic Johnson and Larry Bird, back when basketball was a true team sport, with honor etc. etc., before the nine-figure sneaker contract he got bc little kids identified w. his realness and little kids had no way to really understand that buying a hundred dollar pair of sneakers is the ultimate way to express one's realness. I'm going off the rails now, but I think the thing that Barack Obama understands that Michael Moore does not is that no one is irredeemably racist. Or greedy. Even corporations. We are all at some level complicit in the system that got us here and the failure is of government to provide an adequate balance to all of it. There is no ENEMY.
MEGAN: The enemy is us? Yeah, that seems about right.
MOE: I mean, if I learned anything from The Devil Wears Prada it's that not even Anna Wintour is the enemy.
MEGAN: Because she brought turquoise back? I'm cool with that. I look nice in blue.
MOE: Ooooh, that reminds me, on New Years I made a frantic shopping trip to Urban Outfitters and I bought a dress with COLORS. I don't really wear colors. But it was on sale.
MEGAN: How very un-New York of you. Virginia must've rubbed off on you.
MOE: I know, right? And I saw my friend Susie last night, who used to be the Beijing correspondent at TIME and is now taking time off to, like, go to SCHOOL and learn new things and shit. And I remembered that living in a society where everyone wears the same fucking thing in the same drab colors... I mean, I might be okay with that, but most people get really bored by socialism.
MEGAN: Socialism, and winter.