Tis the holiday season, and what better time to discuss un-immaculate conceptions, uneaten Christmas hams and unloved, adorable babies in the manger? That's right kiddies, it's Midweek Madness again, and this week the tabs are all still talking about Jamie Lynn Spears. (She made the cover of Us and Life & Style.) Meanwhile, over at the OK! corral, those kooky Brits took the week off, so we were forced to substitute the Midweek Madness staple for the truly tepid People. In other celebrity news, Tara Reid looks like she hasn't eaten solids since October, Angelina Jolie doesn't like Shiloh as much as her other, more "ethnic" children, and Spencer Pratt has gay porn potential! Check out the trashy goodness of Us, In Touch, Star, Life & Style, and People after the jump.
Jamie Lynn and Brit Brit, "Destroyed By Mama!" cries the cover of Us. Inside is a long article full of statistics like 13.8% of Louisiana teens are up the stick (the fifth highest in the US!) and quotes from "insiders" and "family friends." One of Jamie's chums from Kentwood, Louisiana, tells Us, "It ain't uncommon for a girl from here to get pregnant at 16." Another of these so-called buddies speculates that Jamie's unplanned pregnancy was "on some level [Jamie Lynn's] way of getting out of Hollywood," and also, out from under her mother's thumb. In other news, a feud's allegedly a-brewin' between Kate Holmes and Nicole Kidman because Nic's kids Isabella and Connor from her marriage to Tom Cruise call Katie "Mom." Tony Romo's ex, Carrie Underwood, thinks the Dallas quarterback's relationship with new girlfriend, Jessica Simpson is a "joke." Finally , Us is irrevocably in the throes of babymania, with 18 whopping pages devoted to Hollywood's celebuspawn.
Grade: C+ (new, but dumpy, underwear in your Christmas stocking)
The cover declares that "Tara's Too Thin!" and speculates that Ms. Reid's desiccated physique is down to a mere 95 pounds. The article chronicles Tara's weight in pictures since 2001, and an eating disorder specialist wonders if Tara "wants to fit into the mold people expect of her, even if it's an unhealthy one." Also, Taradise took a job hosting something called "the Hookers Ball" in Australia this month. Also in the magazine: Angelina Jolie may be extending an olive branch to estranged dad Jon Voight, In Touch decides which stars look better with makeup (Salma Hayek — better without! Madonna — needs some concealer!), and Hills baddie Spencer Pratt is being approached by gay-porn directors. CEO of porn-purveyor Lucas Entertainment, Michael Lucas, tells the mag: "There are many things I value about Spencer, especially his incredible energy and his in-your-face enthusiasm for attention. I know how to put all of that to excellent use in gay porn." I know something else Spencer might be getting in his face if he takes Lucas up on the offer!
Grade: B- (A subscription to the jam of the month club)
Jamie Lynn's been lying, says StarStar has it on authority that alleged sperminator Casey Aldridge is not the real father. They claim that JLS's true baby daddy is an older man who would face statutory rape charges were his identity leaked. Star's sources also say that Casey is a serial cheater who got a different barely-legal honey pregnant in early 2007. Also: Was Jake Gyllenhaal shopping for a ring for Reese? Unclear, but homeboy bought her a $3,050 necklace either way. Were Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis given bonuses for putting up with Kim Cattrall's diva behavior on the set of Sex and the City? Sounds like they deserved it!
Grade: C- (Itchy socks from your grandma)
Life & Style
L&S is concerned that nobody likes Shiloh! Angelina says that little Shi is going to be the outcast of the Jolie-Pitt brood because of her Aryan aesthetic. "The other kids came with a personality," says Ange, and on Brad's birthday when Zahara, Maddox and Pax got to go bike riding with Mom and Dad, Shiloh was left with the nannies. Plus: Ashton and Demi are allegedly considering paying a surrogate mom to carry their genetic load, since Demi's eggs are reaching their sell-by date.
Grade: F+ (A lump of coal)
This week's People is chock full of end of the year lists. (What a total snooze.) Patrick Dempsey is the star of the year, Chris Crocker of "Leave Britney Alone" fame is web celeb of the year, and Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz had the breakup of the year. People also indulges its motherhood fetishization, with a recap of all the celebrity babies born in 2007. (They're really scraping the bottom of the barrel with a full page devoted to the children of "former TV teens." Tina Yothers' baby is totally cute though. )
Grade: F- (A used lump of coal)