Jezebel
Tomorrow's Christmas, or, as I knew it throughout my childhood, that day when I'm bored and nothing is open. I'm 100% Heeb, and my mother was so anti-Christmas that we didn't even do the stereotypical Jew things like eat Chinese food and go to the movies. Doing those things would be a tacit acknowledgment that Christmas existed, and my mom wasn't about to kowtow to the status quo. I've elided all my severe Christmas envy into one mental image: me, at eight, pressing my hooked nose against the window panes of our Christian neighbors' houses as they embraced around the tree, tearing the wrapping paper off their brand new Nintendos in some sweater-clad, ritualized, yuletide orgy.
That was around the time I started begging my parents for a tree, and the answer was always no. "It's a Christan symbol," they'd tell me. When I was younger, my retort was always, "But...it's pretty!" That didn't really get me far. As I got older I probably responded with, "No, It's a Pagan symbol," but that didn't really work out either."This is a Christian country," my mom would say, "and regardless of its Pagan origins, a tree is for Christians. Case closed."
That twinkling inner desire for a tree never really dissipated, and this year I had an excuse to get one. I moved in with my Episcopalian boyfriend in March, and when December rolled around, I started lobbying for a tree. Dear Mom: Maybe if you had let me have a tree when I was a kid, I wouldn't be forced to date goys all the time. Just sayin'!
The WASPy bf sort of lumped my tree desires in with my other fake whims, like when I ask for a baby panda or say "Why don't we just move to Miami?" When he realized I was actually serious, he wasn't really on the tree train either. "It's messy," he argued. "Our apartment is small." I countered with "But we could keep in the backyard!" And he begrudgingly agreed. One day after work he brought a small fir in through our side door, and I squealed with glee. I didn't even mind that he made me keep it outside like an incontinent old dog. I thought that my childhood holiday dreams had finally come true, but in reality, only kind of.
Last week I went to buy some cheap lights and tinsel across the street. As I approached the checkout counter laden with garish candy cane festooned crap, I started feeling funny. It was just... wrong. Indescribably wrong! Like drawing a fake mustache on Anne Frank. Like taking a dump on the The Wailing Wall. I was somehow turning my back on thousands of years of heritage for some $1.99 ornaments.
I bought the supplies anyway, and walking home I realized that even though the tree has become a Christian symbol, it doesn't have to be one for me. Cheesy as it sounds, having a tree in my own home can just be an expression of warmth and joy. It isn't about wanting to be Christian, it's about wanting to take pleasure in rituals that I've always admired. That's me in the picture after I decorated the gimpy, listing tree with my boyfriend and some other people. I look sort of stoned, and one of my friends was all, "You're just high on Christmas!" I hope you all get high on Christmas, too. Happy Holidays!
Comments
Ah, nothin' says Christmas like a Jewish girl high on tree trimming. Join the club!
Har har. I want to be a jew on Christmas. Ya'll have so much fun. [www.youtube.com]
For the record, BEST CHRISTMAS EVE EVER I spent at a nightclub that threw a Matzah Ball, which was this Jewish singles party that went on until dawn.
Yeah, I was in pain the next day from the hangover, but what a kick ass good time!
P.S. Zero pangs of guilt. I'll take my pleasures where I can get them without fear of religious retribution.
My family is secular (to say the least), and I am an atheist (to say the least). I still love me some Christmas trees! You go ahead and make your own traditions to go along with the ones you grew up with, and have a lovely New Year while you're at it.
@bowlingfordollars: Yay! Christmastime for the Jews! Love that video.
And did I mention we're having a big ol' HAM too!
i am the proud offspring of two very fervent atheists, and i swear, i had no idea that there was religion behind the holiday until i was probably ten. then again, i didn't even know that such things as religions existed until i was probably ten.
@PaisleyPajamas: Ha! A friend of mine was telling me about this! One of these days I may just have to go...
But in the meantime, I'll be celebrating tonight in the best stereotypical fashion, with several close friends, great Chinese food, and the late showing of "Walk Hard." Happy Jewish Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
I'm not religious in any way, and neither is my hubs, but I fucking love Christmas.
You know what - everyone should celebrate Christmas. It's just a fucking great holiday. It's not fair that I get to celebrate Christmas just because I was born a WASP. I don't believe in Jesus any more than any random Jew or Muslim does. Sorry, Jesus. CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYBODY.
Awww, you feel weird about your tree just like I feel weird about being high during Christmas, but we do it anyway 'cuz it makes us happy - Happy Holidaze!
I, for one, always wanted to be Jewish as a kid. I even made my own Menorah one year. shrugs
Does anyone still celebrate Festivus?
I was raised Jewish, but my mom could never give up the Christmas celebrations of her Catholic upbringing. And yet, I was always so jealous of my Jewish friends' Chinese food plus movie nights. I used to beg my parents to let me join my Rachel and Sarah and the other Jew girls for a sleepover instead of sitting around the fire for a read-around of "The Night Before Christmas."
And I don't even like Chinese food. Sheesh.
Yeah, we're a bunch of atheists in my family but we celebrate christmas just so we can decorate our house all gold and sparkly. And get presents. Then we make some Latkas, and then we go skiing.
Same with Easter. WOO EGG HUNTS AND CHOCOLATE BUNNIES! What? Jesus?
Awww. That's sweet. They can make a heart-warming holiday tale out of your 8 year old nose against the window, and your tree that needs to be housebroken. I hope you'll buy and wrap some presents for your bf, that's really the best part...aside from pie. And pie is not Christian! It is just awesome! Happy Holidays, whatever they may be!
Well, my sis got married and declared that a) she wasn't buying anyone presents because she was so kind to include us in her wedding, b) spending the holidays with her new husband and his family, and c) leaving the day after for a mini-honeymoon, so could you watch my kid for the next week, 'cuz I know you have nothing better to do and d) no, I'm not going to leave you any money because he's your nephew and I shouldn't have to pay to to entertain him for 7 whole days. Oh! and e) my dad's in the hospital, f) my mom's got to spend all day and all night with him to make sure he doesn't try to slip by the nurses station, so g) she's not cooking dinner. So there will be no presents, no dinner, my dad's in poor health, I don't have boyfriend AGAIN this year so Christmas pretty much sucks this year for me.
Happy New Year!
P.S. Next time skip the garland. My mom taught me that it looks tacky (although it is a lot of sparkle for 5 bucks!)
@ceejeemcbeegee: Bless you my friend. I'm sending you some vodka to make things better.
I am family-free this evening and all day tomorrow for the first time ever and I am ecstatic. Looking forward to going out with friends as they recover from spending time with their families tomorrow night. Drinking is what Christmas means to me.
@ceejeemcbeegee: ::hugs::
@ceejeemcbeegee: If you want some advice...Go do something nice for somebody, somewhere, somehow. It will help you more than them, I promise. How old is the kid? Ask if you need suggestions for entertainment. Def not cool of your sis to take advantage. Hope your Dad is better soon!
@ceejeemcbeegee: Things can only get better. And you don't need no stinkin' boyfriend to have a good Christmas! Hugs from afar.
@ceejeemcbeegee: Now that's a real Christmas! It's all about coping through the Horror-days. Did anyone else notice it's a full freakin' moon for Christmas?
Hope your dad feels better.
P.S. Your nephew is going to remember you as the coolest aunt ever, and that's worth gold, my friend. Gooood karmic return.
Mmmmm....Hanukkah Bush.
My mom's the same way. She felt deprived of a tree all those years, so even though our family are committed atheists, she gets a small stubby tree every year, and calls it her Hanukkah bush. We open token presents around it and then go to some offbeat arthouse film and eat chinese food. :-)
@ceejeemcbeegee: uh, yeah, that sounds like a Bridezilla to me. Sending a hug and guest pass to my open bar.
@PaisleyPajamas: Yes! I was nervously (and yet in awe) watching it on my Cannonball Run from WI to TX yesterday. Is it supposed to be good or bad?
@ceejeemcbeegee: Aw damn. I hope you'll be chugging some heavily-spiked eggnog for the next week and getting some carefree ass on New Year's.
@ThaKadinskyPapers: Are you referring to full moons making people crazier, i.e. "Lunatics?" B/c my friend is a psychiatrist and she said that there is a direct correlation between crazies and full moons in her experience. Hey, it makes the tides on earth move. Why not?
"Dear Mom: Maybe if you had let me have a tree when I was a kid, I wouldn't be forced to date goys all the time."
:-)
@bowlingfordollars:
@andBegorrah:
@PaisleyPajamas:
@badmutha:
@dingosmom1:
@MSDIRECTOR:
Y'all are SO sweet! I think I will go volunteer somewhere, eat some Chinese food (been DYING to get back to Woo Lae Oak), see the Great Debaters, then drown my sorrows in vodka!
Yeah, xmas trees are great, period. I'm also a huge atheist, but still celebrate. Except for this year, tomorrow we're going to see Sweeney Todd. I mostly like the idea of seeing it on xmas day...
@elevendy: Me too! Minus the menorah. My stepmom and stepsister are Jewish though, so I figure I'm kind of a Jew by proxy. Plus, you know, I'm a ridiculous mix of European as far as heritage goes, so I figure somewhere back there was some Jewishness. Or that's what I tell myself to get through the day. Happy belated Hanukkah!
But I'm still all about the christmas, too. Yes. Have and eat cake!
@badmutha: My mom's a nurse, and when she worked in a hospital she HATED HATED HATED working during full moons.
@ceejeemcbeegee: Aw, that's the spirit! Best wishes for your dad to make a speedy recovery.
Atheist with a 9' tree and garland and a crazily-decorated house at home. I mean, I'm so fucking pro-Christmas ritual that I simmer cinnamon and cloves and lemon peel on the back burner so it smells all fucking Christmasy. I make fucking cookies, and if you knew me, you would know that was sheer Chrisanity.
today is the one year anniversary of my mom's heart attack...Oh yeah, its also christmas eve. this year should be better as i will not be opening christmas presents in a hospital room in downtown St. Louis, hopefully.
When I was little, I wanted to be blonde and Jewish, even though I'm Asian and Catholic...it never happened.
Anyway, I think it was unreasonable of your parents not to let you celebrate a little for Christmas. So by all means, enjoy your tree :)
@Trillian: Haha. That reminds me when I saw "Kill Bill" on Christmas night. My friend said, "I can think of no better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord than to see a really violent, bloody movie."
Merry Chrismaskuh...or Merry Ludacrismas!
@ThaKadinskyPapers: It just means that there will be that extra *oomph* in the craziness. I think it's going to be a memorable Christmas, to say the very least. :) Bottoms up, everybody!
I laughed hysterically!
Then cooled down and thought - Hell, painting a mustache on Anne Frank. Someone should do that!
I guess it'll have to wait for the next Southpark season :)
I JUST found out about the whole chinese food and movies thing today from my sister! Where have I been and why didn't I know this was some sort of common knowledge?! Someone explain!
Happy Winter Solstice!
I am at work for the next few hours. When I get out of here I am going to rent some movies, grade some papers, and work on getting royally drunk. Then I might make some cookies. Making cookies is much more fun when one is drunk.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, Jezzies. I'm lining up for the midnight show of Alien Vs Predator. Christmas really is for everyone.
I am so WASP that I have fucking had it with the Christmas tree -- you can have mine. This year I went to the country and cut one down and it is a monster that I have been cursing and wrestling with for three weeks. I want to kick the shit out of the tree.
@angelicola: Jew by proxy, awesome. I'm atheist/agnostic, usually 60/40 but the percentages fluctuate. If I was to marry a Jew, is it bad that I would convert? Heavy. Anyway, Happy belated Hanukkah right back, Angel!
I told my non-Jewish boyfriend that it's extra special good luck to screw a Jew on Christmas. Guess where I'm going later? To his house, to do it under the tree.
Now THAT's how all Jews should celebrate - though I should watch out for the dropped needles.
That little article was very well written. An enjoyable read.
@bowlingfordollars: Ludacrismas!! I just figured out what the kid and I will celebrate tomorrow. "Want some eggnog?" "LUDA!!!"
In my brain, it's hilarious.
OMG, my Jewish husband has been taking me to the movies on Christmas ever since we were married, and I had no idea we were being stereotypical. How embarrassing.
We never did the Chinese food, though. No such thing as a good Chinese restaurant in west l.a.
Merry Ludicrismas!!!!!!!!1
It's a filthy Christmas miracle...
I'm totally waspy Christian and my family *always* goes to the movies on Christmas. We do the mass at midnight Christmas Eve, presents and breakfast Christmas Morning, play with presents... but by 1pm or so we're all itching to get out, so we go to the movies and then home in time for the big dinner. Yay - tomorrow!
@ceejeemcbeegee: AW, honey. If you live in Austin, come to my place. I'll have plenty of food.