Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue a virtual spanking to the internet's most popular gossip bloggers for their Crimes Against Womanity. Happy Holidays! We're totally in the spirit of things, even though we dropped a glass on our foot this morning and are still gushing red, Christmas-y blood. Unfortunately, the gossip bloggers are not in the spirit of giving and are being just as misogynist as ever. Perez Hilton makes his return to our list, appropriate considering the great article we just read in EW called, "The Influence of Perez Hilton".
"Yes, these outlets of the tawdry, the titillating, and the tabloid have finally broken through the ''legitimate'' news- source barrier: In 2007, more than 2,000 news stories were sourced to TMZ. With attention spans dwindling and the appetite for celeb gossip only growing, blogs like Hilton's are increasingly making fast, furious, and famous the marching orders of the mainstream media."Some of you have wondered why we bother linking to these bastards and I suppose it's so you can see for yourselves what mockery these guys are making of what could be a fun, but small, indulgence (as gossip on this site often is). Our hope is that in 2008 the truly funny, insightful, and witty gossip bloggers will remain (we love you DListed!) and that those who are only polluting the blogosphere, and now our other media outlets, will go the way of New Coke and Fashion Café - foggy memories of inconsequential stupid bull crap that captivated us for just a moment in time. Let the Jezebel Justice System begin!
The Charge: Gratuitous Fat Jokes
The Accused: Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Evidence: "Tara Reid is in Bali this week for a bikini photo shoot, and she looks like she's lost a ton of weight lately, and good for her. Why did she do it? How the hell would I know, I'm not a social worker, I just like skinny whores. Remember girls: nobody likes a fatty. A buddy of mine slept with one once and when he woke up the next morning, his hand was in her mouth, and she was lightly chewing on it while dreaming, presumably about cake. True story!"
Points For Good Behavior: Okay, we get the first part. See girls, he's pretending like dudes actually find it attractive when you starve yourself so thoroughly you start growing that weird peach fuzz shit on your chin, but he's being ironic because, duh, most guys aren't interested in girls who look that bony outside of death camp circumstances. But that fucking "true story"? The only amusing thing about it would be if she'd devoured you...err, him, for breakfast.
The Sentence: I think we just wrote our sentencing guidelines...
The Charge: Playing Doctor Evil
The Accused: The "surgeon" behind Truth In Cosmetic Surgery, John di Saia.
The Evidence: "A mini tummy tuck looks a bit too small to fix her [Britney Spears] tummy at least from that which I have seen."
Points For Good Behavior: So a tummy tuck is too minor a procedure to fix Britney, huh? Right, because she is so disgustingly obese. She hasn't confirmed she is in pregnant, and she had her last kid ages ago, and we all know that you're allowed six weeks after birth to lose all those gross unnatural parts your body develops in order to support the development of a human life, so WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING HER SO LONG, RIGHT??? Um, yeah, so "none."
The Sentence: Is it wrong to wish for a minor hand injury that would prevent this douche from operating again?
The Charge: Professing To Take Pleasure In The Pain Of Others When You Aren't Even Fooling Anyone Anymore
The Accused: Yawn. Mario from Perez Hilton.
The Evidence: Basically, Perez is really joyful about describing the latest updates in American Idol's Jessica Sierra sex tape/in jail/knocked-up/on drugs scandal.
Points For Good Behavior: On one hand, Perez hasn't been offending us lately with any over-the-top girlhating lately; on the other hand, that might be because even when he is trying to be offensive he is really effing boring. (Ex: "Now we know she's trailer trash just like her sister!!!!!!" re you-know-who. Yeah, I can't get offended either) Is it possible that his 15 minutes are almost up? Is that why he seems to be reveling so in stories of drug-addicted head cases and their ill-conceived (heh!) pregnancies? Like, Sierra is pregnant. And on drugs. And in jail. Not. Funny. At. All.
The Sentence: The Beef Curtains will finally close on this guy. Our 2008 prediction? He gets outlived by his fave Communist dictator.