Vanity Fair, taking a page out of the teen magazines we all loved so dearly, has created a quiz of sorts on their Vanity Fair Insider website to allow readers to see the perfect gift for everyone on their holiday shopping lists. Visitors are asked to set sliding scale thingies to denote the gender of the recipient (does halfway mean that your gift-receiving sweetheart is a transsexual? a transvestite?), whether the recipient is more classic or more modern, whether the gift should be tech-based or not, and whether it should be "modest" or a "splurge," amongst other categories. I created as many different combinations for made-up friends and lovers in my life as possible but, no matter what I did, the ubiquitous MasterCard gift card was offered up as a suggestion. My adventures with the Vanity Fair gift finder, after the jump.



First I created an imaginary boyfriend who is modern, likes gadgets, and would appreciate a modest yet personal gift. I had no idea that a MasterCard gift card (below) would meet said imaginary boyfriend's needs.

A MasterCard gift card, I soon realized, that I couldn't even buy — but could only win in a raffle. And then give away to encourage him to buy something modern and personal that he would actually like?

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I decided I needed a new imaginary boyfriend. One who would want an of-the-moment gift that was practical. Apparently, this would mean the not-really-a-gift MasterCard gift card or a subscription to Vanity Fair. I start thinking of the men in my life. I can't imagine a one of them who would want a subscription to Vanity Fair, for Christmas or otherwise.

Maybe my problem was that I was only selecting modest gifts and was unwilling to splurge? I took the plunge. Apparently not.

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At this point I decided to dump all my imaginary boyfriends and look for gifts for myself. Boucheron jewelry? I suddenly re-invent the imaginary boyfriend, as there is no way in hell I am shelling out this kind of cash for myself.

Hoping to be a modern, independent woman I change the meter back to 'modest,' hoping to find something for myself I can actually afford. You guessed it.

So I decide to end my life of extremes! What lies somewhere in between classic and modern, indulgent and practical, modest and a splurge? Posters from the Vanity Fair cover archives, apparently. I am sorely disappointed.

I veer once again to my true nature: Modest and indulgent both. Perfume? Seriously? I am baby powder and a good shower kind of girl, thanks. Or a cologne girl, if i feel like splashing the flacon.

Maybe the problem is that I am a Luddite? I change my preferences to high-tech. To no avail.

Throwing caution to the wind, I go whole hog: Indulgent! High-tech! Splurge! Not-so-personal! Who needs meaning and feelings when you can have expensive things? Well apparently not me. I tried to fuck the gift finder and all I got was this stupid MasterCard.

Vanity Fair Insider
Related: Some Gift Cards Sorta Friendlier, Thanks To FTC [Consumerist]