Jezebel

All the guys I date say they think about me. I like smart men.

And baseball b/c, even when thinking about sports that don't have scantily-clad cheerleaders, they still manage to get the job done.

Not my boyfriend. He thinks about running toward me across a meadow in slow motion.

Oh and also: porn.

Apparently, per the Bad Girls Club thread, they think of milk.

@tailfeather: Hee hee. Always better smart than honest.

dear cosmo:
what do WOMEN think when they masturbate?
love,
me

i think of porn - duh.

xtube.com is a boys best friend.

@nikaoh: The same.

@DorothyZbornak: hm really? you mean men and women are both stimulated VISUALLY?

@nikaoh: Tailfeather.

@nikaoh: Paul Janka, obviously.

Themselves masturbating to themselves masturbating to themselves masturbating...

@notaclevername: Ha! I'm preening.

This is vulgar. I don't want to know anything about men masturbating.

Dear Jezebel,

We just wanted you to know, that we think of you and your awesome-ness constantly, as we twiddle our button.

Love,
Cosmo

I always imagined they were thinking of sandwiches or chocolate pudding, cause that's what dudes usually want after sex: Food.

@BAngieB: Awwww, Puffa. Think the happy thoughts; tomboys, spankings, bang fingers, you know...

@BAngieB: They do it, though. Even lesbians make them want to masturbate.

Even your sweet, pretty girl makes them want to masturbate. ESPECIALLY your sweet, pretty girl.

As such.

@TheGintheCity: That just makes me think of George Costanza trying to eat that sandwich while he had sex.

@ilikenoise: when are we NOT thinking of paul janka? i know i have told like, my room mate, all about him.

@ilikenoise: Ew. That is a clit-deflater if I've ever heard of one.

Yeah, sometimes porn. Sometimes previous sexual escapades I've had that were particularly hot and memorable. Most of the time it's a specific concept, not so much a mental image. Though sometimes that, too. I guess it's a grab bag. I just like to switch up my fantasies.

@lfw1031: oh now why you gotta go and get her all ruffled up like that?? now I'll never get her to sleep tonight.

@BAngieB: Breathe, deep breath in............annnnnnnnddddd cleansing breath out.

@ThaKadinskyPapers: Those are happy thoughts! And, strangely, those things are on my Christmas list.
@lfw1031: First of all, it's mostly those fake porn lesbians that they think of, and, secondly, you know that I am very uncomfortable with the sexualization of my pretty girl. Why do you try and hurt me? Guess what No. 3 is? Yep, that's right: you are dead to me.

@BAngieB: First of all, you're right...boys only like the fakers.

Second of all, she's legal now so the sexualization of your pretty girl is going to happen whether you want it to or no. She is a commodity to those dirty old men (and Dinah!) who sell her out in Hollywood.

Thirdly, and finally, don't you take a wee bit of comfort knowing that - by all accounts - Ms. Lohan neither dreams of men nor masturbates to them?

@ThaKadinskyPapers: I apologize. I'll send over a lavender candle or some soothing bath gel. I never meant to cause you so much grief, especially around the holidays.

@lfw1031: Maybe you aren't dead to me, but you are grounded.

I love that they ask "Do you do it frequently even if you have a steady girl?" Wait, you mean my Cosmo-dictated litany of overly complicated yet still somehow completely boring sex techniques AREN'T ENOUGH FOR HIM?! Seriously though, are they actually still encouraging that particular paranoia in women?

@BAngieB: I'll work overtime to regain a place in your good graces.

Quick, somebody! Post a Lilo Snap Judgement pronto! I must make good on my promise to BAngieB!

@BiscuitDoughJones: *squint*

They do not.

While I find a variety of things sexy, I don't think of specific actions or scenarios. My thoughts tend to be very abstract. A smooth hip bone here, or a back of a neck there. An open, moaning pair of female lips, slicked with black lipstick, tongue subtlety seen behind the teeth. An abstract, closeup of the vulva, a bit of wetness apparent. The laces of a black, patten leather corset hanging down across a round ass.

There ya go.

@lfw1031: Mmmm, replace 'lavender candle' with 'quarter .oz of dank' and we're good.

@Jeremy: I like to think about a dick going into a pussy.

@Jeremy: Like, a Nine Inch Nails video?

@tailfeather: BWAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!

It's funny you should mention that. Most of the imagery I shared, I experienced with a girl who loves NIN.

But no screaming Trent in these fantasies, thanks.

We look at porn.

Think about women.

I've been told they often think of disembodied female body parts.

I just want to say that I'm the dude who sent this item in and when I whack off I think of porn.

I'm into porn and I'm proud.

;)

@Jeremy: "But no screaming Trent in these fantasies, thanks."

Just screaming Trent in those fantasies! (OT, since I'm female, but, I had to say it.)

@drunkexpatwriter: And I bet that makes your RealDoll very sad.

/won't someone think of the RealDolls?

@drunkexpatwriter: shocking. how much porn do you own? Just curious, 'cuz I bet I own more porn than you do.

My boyfriend has more than once jumped up and down for me when he has a boner, to my great delight. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Jerking it is actually his solution to various problems - when I was worried when we first started dating that he didn't want to go downtown on me, he told me that's what he jerked it to. I didn't like my new haircut, and he said he beat it thinking about my bangs in my eyes. It sounds kind of awful, but it's his attempt at being a sweetheart, in his own really blunt, sincere way.

@ifoughtpiranhas: Aww, that actually does sound sweet.

It varies, but occasionally I just think of dirty things I've read. Sometimes even single words. Lots of machinery metaphors.

Am I the only one tempted to fill out a dozen of those forms, giving fucked-up answers?

@ifoughtpiranhas: that does sound sweet, in it's own way (which is all that really matters anyway). I dated a guy who had to take these short business trips, like a day or two, and he would get up and start driving really early in the morning and one night he told me that he frequently jacked off thinking about me while driving. I have the same reaction now as I did then, I'm at first like, 'WTF?!' but then I get hot thinking about it. I mean, what a time to be thinking about boinking someone, 'eh?

@LipstickLibrarian: like your weird guy spank bank list you mean??

LOL! I couldn't help it!

@ThaKadinskyPapers: That sounds brilliant, actually!

"Dear Cosmo, after my girlfriend goes to bed, I watch Seinfeld reruns and fantasize about Kramer's giant hairdo bobbing between my thighs."

@ThaKadinskyPapers: I actually own very little porn. Mostly because I'm paid to write it.

That said the "Best of Babelogs" feature on Fleshbot does the job nicely.

what DON'T I masturbate to?

@LipstickLibrarian: The problem is they might not realize they are satire and actually use them.

I mean, seriously, I could write in "I think about cleaning toasters." Flash forward three months and they'll be an issue of Cosmo where they advise the women to "Clean toasters in front of your man if you really want to get him hot!"

@drunkexpatwriter: Which is exactly what I had in mind! How fabulous would that be, to see our bogus advice in the pages of one of the most absurd magazines known to womankind?