The good news? It's almost time for a few days off. The bad news? Your flight is probably already delayed. Before you search for a Valium or consider jabbing the armrest-hogging guy's ribs, reach into that seat-back pocket and pull out SkyMall. Return tray tables to the upright position: Part two of a two-part series begins after the jump, featuring a laser comb, a suicide-assisting neck traction device and, uh, a day (of the week!) clock.
You've heard of "gilding the lily"? It's when you adorn something that is already beautiful or perfect, thereby sort of ruining it. Well, these roses are hand-dipped in gold, for some unfathomable reason. They "last a lifetime" but actually are only weirdly intriguing for 20 seconds. Or less.
($59.99 or one dozen for $598.99)
Footie pajamas have made a huge comeback. The Vermont Country Store had 'em in plaid, and Jumpin Jammerz offers penguins, lips, guitars, ducks, pink, camo and skulls. Also? It's not weird at all that that pigtailed woman is doing a split. Nope, not at all.
This is the kiddie LoJack. Straight out of a James Bond film, the "watch" is actually a tracer. Grown-ups can find their kids in a crowd or backyard by using the tracker, which points to the general direction of the child. Of course, by that time, any kid worth his salt will have attached the thing to the dog.
Um, if your problems are this bad, shouldn't you see a professional? Psychiatrist, that is?
Oooh, lasers. For your head. Sure, sure. This dude totally has that "Shit it's not working" look in his eyes.
(LaserComb, $545 for 9 beams; $395 for 5 beams)
When you hide the litter box in a pot with a fake potted plant, people are bound to ask you why your faux-liage fucking reeks.
Which is sadder? That this product exists, or that some poor soul is thinking, "Hmm, Grandma needs that."
No lie: This is a fantastic idea. Two, please!
This pornographic device is a "core exerciser" that simulates horseback riding, which does not explain why the woman in the ad is watching swimming on TV. Also, the fact that this copy reads, "Sit there and enjoy the ride" seems to be enough evidence for sexual harassment in the workplace.
When you push a button on this "featherweight" wallet, it ejects the corresponding credit card. And the cool thing is, it's not bulky, weird, large, cumbersome, unwieldy or too big for the pocket of your jeans!
($39.99 for six card model; $59.99 for 12 card)
This is not haute couture. This is horrifying. It's a ($375) 6 ft. 3 in. woman with a light bulb for a head. The only thing worse would be some kind of yeti or Big Foot sculpture.
Earlier: SkyMall: Shopping The Friendly Skies For Pointless Products
Sur La Table: Expensive, Accidentally Sexy Cookware
Victoria's Secret's "Last Minute Gifts": Whose Fantasy Is This, Anyway?
Neiman Marcus "Big 100 Gifts": 100% Overpriced, 100% Stupid
Lands' End: Practical Presents, Pleasantly Priced
Uncommon Goods: Quirky Stuff For The Person Who Already Has Everything
Brooks Brothers: This Christmas, WASPs Are Mad For Plaid
Bloomingdale's "Gifted": Overpriced Brand Names R Us
Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady Catalog
J. Crew's "Very Merry Gift Guide"
The Vermont Country Store: For Old Alcoholics & The Kids Who Enable Them
Bergdorf Goodman: My Kingdom For A Fountain Pen
Barneys New York: Shiny Happy People & Crazy Expensive Clothes
Anthropologie "Giving": We Love To Hate & Hate To Love It
'Tis The Season For Crappy Christmas Gifts