"There's Still Time To Find Jessica And Start Punching Her In The Stomach"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue a virtual spanking to the internet's most popular gossip bloggers for their Crimes Against Womanity. Oh my god, so much controversy over last week's post! A response: Obviously we know that most (but not all coughRIANcough) of the bloggers we bitch about are participating in a little thing called satire. To a certain degree, Missdemeanors is engaging in a little satire as well. Emphasis on "little". Because the problem remains that all of the sites we pick on are guilty of focusing their "satire" on picking apart, belittling, sluttifying, and insulting women, which means they're completely and totally asking to be taken to task. The day WWTDD, Drunken Stepfather, and IDLYITW start directing their barbs towards men as well, is the day we will shut our cunty dyke feminazi pieholes. So... let the Jezebel Justice System begin.



The Charge: Passive Aggressive Judging
The Accused: R! I! A! N! RIAN! from Anorexics R Us aka The Skinny
The Evidence: "Here are some pictures of Karolina Kurkova, doing a Victoria Secret photo shoot in St. Bart's earlier today. I don't know if it is the line of clothing she is shooting or what, but she seems to have a tiny tummy bump going..."
Points For Good Behavior: Damnit, Rian, last week you actually seemed like you were learning something, but this week you're back to your usual delusions of grandeur. Jesus Christ, if this chick has a fucking bump, then we are pregnant with whale quads. You're like Rain Man, Rian, with the crazy anal estimating about weight - like you could tell that this model chick gained 1/8th of a pound overnight just by looking at a photo. We're pretty sure if you could tell that, there would be a job for you in the government doing something useful with your time.
The Sentence: Out of compassion, we sentence you to a year in a mental institution where professionals can help you with your "visions."


The Charge: Violence Against Pregnant Women
The Accused: Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Evidence: "The good news is there's still time to find Jessica and start punching her in the stomach before her perfect body begins it's terrifying metamorphosis. I know it sounds extreme, but I've never been more certain of anything in my life."
Points For Good Behavior:Quite a few of Brendan's posts this week were actually funny. That said, he's made the joke about punching a pregnant woman in the belly before and the first time it wasn't funny either. Yeah, we get it, you don't want Jessica Alba to be pregnant because then she'll be "fat" and not as easy to jerk off too.
The Sentence: Cleaning up the afterbirth when Alba has her child in the spring.


The Charge: Sarcastic Uglifying
The Accused: Todd from I Don't Like You In That Way.
The Evidence: "I don't know if anybody is as turned on as I am right now, but Ashanti's sister Kenashia (a.k.a. "Shi Shi") is a beauty that comes along once in a lifetime. I love a woman who shows off her black belt in self-esteem even on her fifth trip through the buffet line."
Points For Good Behavior:None. This dude is a twerp. Anyway, clearly the "joke" here is that Ashanti's sister does not turn Todd on because he thinks she's fat and ugly. Also, this chick is not famous. Isn't it kind of a low blow to go after someone who isn't in the limelight?
The Sentence: Spending 24 hours in a octagonal room with mirrors for walls. Naked! Not so funny now, huh?