You may be sick of expensive holiday present ideas (which we have decided to call "Christmas Grifts" from now on) but the stores are not! They need your end-of-the-year dollars, and they need them bad. Neiman Marcus begs you to do your part: They have 100 "gifts" you're really going to adore. Because your loved one's life will not be complete unless you drop $85 on a silver-plated baseball glove paperweight. A hoodie with sequins, fugly Uggs and a "Downtown" tote that costs more than rent downtown. All of it after the jump.
Listen, we get it. You're taking the helicopter to Gstaad for a ski lesson and you can't be seen in LL Bean. So Prada it is! But while the jacket's price can be rationalized because, um, it's Gore-tex™ and has a belt and fur-trimmed hood, the price of the pants makes no cents, har har.
(Prada ski jacket, $1735; pants $645)
A bag this large can carry everything but the kitchen sink. Though at this price point don't you wish it would make ice and dispense fountain soda?
(Yves Saint Laurent Downtown Tote, $1895)
Ew. Seriously. Why does it cost so much to be so unattractive?
(Pashaveneto shearling coat, $1625; Michael Kors cashmere hoodie, $395)
It is really hard to get behind "folkloric" shit when it is unfathomably fugly.
(Ugg emrboidered boots, $200)
This present says, "Dear Dad, you're too busy putting innocent men in jail to play ball with me but mom says that prosecutors have a lot of paperwork so here is something to remind you of what you're working for besides Mom's tummy -tuck. Love, Your Son."
(Silver-plated glove and personaized ball, $85)
Ugh, tic-tac-toe set with shoes and handbags? What a waste of time, energy, brain power, silver plating, rhinestones and the paper this abomination was printed on.
(Tic-Tac-Toe set, $65)
Everyone loves subservient Republican mascots!
(Elephant cake plate, $500)
Looking for something to wear New Year's Eve? Got five grand?
(Byte by Teso mink coak, $3800; Fendi bag, $1180)
Shopping doll. Head exploding, brb.
(NM doll in silk doupioni ensemble, $150)
People. Juicy Couture is neither juicy nor couture. It is a rip-off. Please avoid. Thank you.
(Journal set, $55; 14K gold, rhodium-plate and cubic zirconia layered charm necklace, $98)
"When I go to the gym, I like to have a little sparkle, you know? A little flash. I want people to notice me! First I walk by the cardio machines, then I visit the free weight room. Then I peep into the yoga studio, and I'm done! If I have a lot of energy, I'll do another lap, but usually just walking around one time is enough. Then I go have a cigarette."
(Juicy Couture sequined hoodie, $398)
Lands' End: Practical Presents, Pleasantly Priced
Uncommon Goods: Quirky Stuff For The Person Who Already Has Everything
Brooks Brothers: This Christmas, WASPs Are Mad For Plaid
Bloomingdale's "Gifted": Overpriced Brand Names R Us
Bergdorf Goodman: My Kingdom For A Fountain Pen
Barneys New York: Shiny Happy People & Crazy Expensive Clothes
Anthropologie "Giving": We Love To Hate & Hate To Love It
'Tis The Season For Crappy Christmas Gifts