Remember how in the Jackass movie when Chris Pontius put that matchbox car up his ass and got himself X-Rayed and you thought it was soooooooo original and hilarious and uniquely twisted and awesome? And then you met your first real-life seasoned ER doctor and you realized OMG real people are actually soooooo much more gross? Well, "Sex Sessions That Ended In The ER," a story in next month's Cosmo is — aside from being perhaps the least blueballing cover line in the history of Cosmo — is sort of like that, and although I'm sure they've done this feature before, why the fuck haven't I seen it? I've been reading this magazine for nine months; do you have any idea how many times they have suggested to me that lubricating his member with saliva from my tongue makes for good foreplay???

I'll never forget the time an ambulance brought a young slacker guy and his girlfriend. They had decided to get it on in his grandmother's basement while she was out of the house. They'd grabbed a tube of what they thought was lubricant. Unfortunately it wsa nitroglycerin paste, a heart drug that can cause a potentially fatal drop in blood pressure.

Grandma had found them unconscious and naked! Or what about:

A hysterical woman came into the ER. She'd just had a fight with her boyriend while sitting in his parked car. She said she had gotten so mad at him that she pulled the key out of the ignition and put it in her vagina so he couldn't drive home! Now she couldn't locate the key to get it out. I couldn't find it either...

Oh and there's more. A woman who got half a hot dog stuck inside her, a couple who got stuck, and a guide to medical code words for situations such as when you got something stuck in your ass and need their assistance —"scope and grab" — and are therefore and also on account of your STD walking funny ("PID shuffle").

Contact information for this author is not available.