Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady Catalog

The company called Doctors Foster and Smith sells pet supplies, and have cat, dog, fish, ferret and horse catalogs. After the jump, Slut Machine and I discuss the crazy cat supplies. (Neither of us have a cat, by the way.)

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady Catalog

Dodai: What kind of self-respecting cat would stand for this? A jacquard ruff? With jingle bells attached? It's so humiliating.
Tracie: This functions in the same way as a cock ring, in that when you put it on the cat, it gets stiff and stays that way. So I guess that makes it a pussy ring?

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady CatalogS

Dodai: I'm going to be honest, this "furniture" is nicer than my apartment.
Tracie: You should totally cover your apartment walls with carpet! Then it will be like the arcade in the mall in my hometown.

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady CatalogS

Dodai: Hammock! I want a hammock. In my apartment.
Tracie: I sort of wish I could crawl into a cubby hole like that today.

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady Catalog

Dodai: This thing goes floor to ceiling. You have to be extremely dedicated to your cat. Or cats. And admit that the felines are running shit. [I have one. They are. -Ed.]
Tracie: Well, now we know what can be done with those self-installed home stripper poles once people tire of them. Are you listening, Kardashian klan?

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady CatalogS

Dodai: So the thing about being a cat with a leopard bedspread on a four-poster bed is this: You're aspiring to be wild, but admitting you crave the comforts of domesticity. This cat obviously could never cut it in the jungle.
Tracie: That cheap '80s bed frame and leopard print bedspread is so brothel it's like straight outta the Moonlight Bunny Ranch—whose reality show is actually called Cathouse, so I guess it's really fitting.

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady Catalog

Dodai: This cat's clearly thinking, "fuck you."
Tracie: Ahh!!! The look on that cat's face reminds me of the movie Cat's Eye that terrified me as a child, and made me soooo afraid of cats, even though the cat in the movie was actually supposed to be good, and saved Drew Barrymore's life by fighting the evil troll that tried to steal her breath when she was sleeping. I guess I just didn't like that the cat knew about things, was strategic in its planning, and silently judged the humans in the movie. That cat there in that basket is thinking about something, and it's making me uncomfortable.

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady Catalog

Dodai: I don't know which are scarier, the mice that look like mice or the mice that look like they're on LSD.
Tracie: When I was about 7 years old, my mother told me that Richard Gere was brought to the hospital one time to have a gerbil removed from his butt. I was like, "How did it get up there?" She said, "It's a gay thing," and gave no further explanation. Those mice on the bottom are totally gay things.

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady Catalog

Dodai: Do cats have nightmares? Because this is the stuff bad dreams are made of. And is this cat named Jonah?
Tracie: I was completely unaware that fish other than sharks had teeth—or eye balls on their asses. But I trust this catalog for my factual information. It was written by doctors, after all!

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady CatalogS

Dodai: "Hey, Fluffy, let's play "quarantine!"
Tracie: The cats in the penthouse are snorting lines of cat nip off each other's nipples, which you know always makes them want to lick each other's butts.

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady CatalogS

Dodai: I predict that these will result in a situation where the aliens come down from space and think the cats are the rulers and a higher species.
Tracie: You know, when little girls put the family pets in their baby strollers, they always get scolded. Why is it OK for adults to do it!?!

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady CatalogS

Dodai: 1 Cool Place? LOL!
Tracie: These are like Extreme Makeover: Homeless Edition.