The 5 Steps To Recovering From The "Modern Love" That Will Make You Hate Women

Okay so by now at least half of you have read that Modern Love column in the New York Times of last Sunday by a woman who, ever since being date raped, hates women. It makes more sense than that! He was in a fraternity; she a sorority. He was partaking in some ritual whereby a frat guy takes a drunk girl to a ledge and fucks her in full view of his frat brothers; she was said drunk girl. But she was actually too drunk for the ritual to work and not be "rape," and although no charges were filed, she didn't even consider that etc. etc. he was exiled from his fraternity, and before long college altogether. And then, she was exiled from her sorority, in one of those evil gossip campaigns orchestrated by that sort of female groupthink that makes Lord of the Flies look tame, and oh my god the sorority sisters were so cruel they were like, evil movie sorority sisters... and now 20 years later she still can't get close to women. She's a femalesogynist. One of those girls who only makes friends with dudes! One of those women whose brain is constantly playing host to those rogue neurons whispering: "WOMEN. Why the fuck are they so complicated? Why the fuck are they so cruel sometimes? And competitive? And high-maintenence? Fuck women! I'm never hanging out with them again..."

So yeah, I wrestled with all this shit and figured that there were five stages of "WTF" you must endure to get to the answer.

1. Accept that you've spent some time hating women.

2. It probably had to do with high school. Women are crueler at younger ages and get nicer as they get older. It's a scientific fact. Men are the other way. Remember how Hitler used to be an art fag? Yeah.

3. Realize that you were too busy empathizing with this woman — because you're a WOMAN! you're naturally empathetic!! — to realize you have nothing in common with her i.e.

I begged off on baby groups when my children were born and haven't been able to bear book clubs, the charity circuit, women's fitness classes or the country club scene.

Seriously, the "charity circuit"? Just as you don't overcome the pain of being ostracized in high school by joining a sorority — that was maybe your first clue! — you don't overcome the pain of being ostracized by your sorority by joining a fucking country club.

4. Realize you actually hate this woman more than her sorority sisters for not having the fucking balls to confront the woman who betrayed her back in the day, and yet managing to notice she'd had some work done:

former goddess turned caricature: too lacquered, too accessorized, too fit.



5. Read it one more time and accept that, you know what? You just hate yourself. That was the problem all along! It's okay, writer Kelly Valen of St. Paul, Minnesota. You know there's this great band from your hometown that could have made it all better if you'd just discovered them in high school along with that beer you got so sick on. Send me your address! I'll send you a mix CD...

Oh, and lastly, can you believe there was a time a guy could get excommunicated from his fraternity for date rape? I thought that was, like, an intramural sport at this point.