How China Is Conquering The Universe One Beauty Pageant At A Time

The New Miss World is Chinese! This is important for a variety of reasons: namely, she's the first Chinese Miss World, it was one of the first Miss World Competitions held in China, and on top of that it was only one of the first beauty pageants China has ever entered because the Communist Party used to ban them for being, if you can imagine this, "demeaning to women." (Another thing they banned: the ancient practice of breaking women's toes in childhood and wrapping them with supertight bandages so as to prevent them from ever walking, effectively fleeing rapists, etc.) Anyhow, so what does this mean? Obviously it means that once you allow them to compete in something the Chinese are better at everything, so watch out! They'll take yr jobs if the lead n thr Barbies don't poison u first!!!

Ha ha ha, did you think i was serious? Nah, you could tell bc of the "Lolcats" type spelling I was using, right? That's an indicator that something is not entirely sincere! Another indicator: that you are reading it on this site and it isn't prefaced by, "okay, I'm [reference to menstrual cycle/hormones/somesuch] right now so humor me while I get really earnest about this thing for a minute" or somesuch. So humor me while I get sincere for a minute! I was saddened to find that I had been named a "Disgrasian" recently on some blog that looks out for the interests of Asians. They took issue with the fact that I said I "practically am Asian." Here's what they said:

But let's get one thing straight. You ain't almost Asian just cuz you know that the young folk use AZN to show their pride or cuz you spent two years in Hong Kong, most likely butchering the shit out of Cantonese and its eight muthafuzzing tones.
Duuuuuude, I would never sincerely claim to be "practically Asian." I mean, how would I ever get my kid into a decent college that way???? Kidding! For serious though, I think sometimes it is okay to engage with and poke fun at ethnic stereotypes if you're fairly informed about them, so here goes: I was a Guailo, and thanks to its shameful legacy of colonialism most Hong Kongers speak passable English so, like, no way was I running around that shit trying to learn Cantonese and every one of its NINE motherfucking tones. Thanks to Mao's shameful legacy of totalitarianism everyone in China and Hong Kong soon too sort of has to speak Mandarin, so that is the language I went around butchering for most of the nine years total I spent living there. Anyway, if you want the truth, living there I learned that not all Chinese women have awesome bone structure or Zhang Ziyi metabolisms. Also, not all of them are short! Look at Miss World; she is 6'1, but she is from the northern province of Hebei, and it's more common there, but actually you'll see real tall people all over China, again thanks to Mao, who liked to relocate people from one place to another, which is why you'll see Turkish looking people with green eyes selling pita bread and bagels all over the place too, and also, why the Dalai Lama can't live in Tibet. Anyhoozle! This and a lot more I learned living in China, and funnily enough, when I came back to an American high school, I'd spent so much time there some of my classmates actually did think I was Chinese. Isn't it so awesome that they knew sooooo little about ethnic sterotypes that they'd think some nerdy blond kid with absolutely no aptitude for math was Chinese??? Yes? No? Look, I don't know. I have to post like nine times a day, including now, and sometimes I am going to piss some of you off but really in the end I win because they're paying me by the pageview anyway and pretty soon I'll be outsourcing this shit to India, so like, have fun with that.

P.S. I really do love all people and I have no idea what the point of this post was. Isn't Zhang Zi Lin pretty, though? They're saying this is an "accomplishment for China." Like I said before there are hundreds of millions of pretty women in China so I don't know why one of them winning an obviously fixed beauty pageant would be considered an "accomplishment," but whatevs. I love you guys!