Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue a virtual spanking to the internet's most popular gossip bloggers for their Crimes Against Womanity. Now that we're in that period between Thanksgiving and Christmas, we're kind of suffering from seasonal affective disorder, which could explain why basically every blogger on the Interwebs was getting on our last fucking nerve. We narrowed the list of offenders down to four, all of whom are on at least their 5th strike. Drunken Stepfather makes horrid disparaging remarks about a now-dead teen, while Rian from The Skinny continues to work out her annoying body image issues in her typically boooooring style. God, we're in a foul fucking mood.
The Charge: Speaking "not all that hot" of the gruesomely murdered.
The Accused: The disgusting creep behind Drunken Stepfather
The Evidence: "I am thinking this has to be staged only because there's no fuckin' way a site I've never heard of would have 30,000 subscribers at 40 dollars a month and if they do, then I am in the wrong fucking business, not that this is a business. I am sure I could find a hood rat of a girl to get naked enough for perverts to want to fuck and subscribe to the site because let's face it, she's really not all that hot...."
Points for Good Behavior: Once news broke that Sander was found dead and that contrary to DS's stupid assertion that her kidnapping was "some publicity stunt, because now we're all thinking to ourselves, why the fuck are so many dudes into this bitch, shit's gotta be good," he admitted that he was wrong. Not wrong about all of the comments he made that seemed to suggest that if you're an internet porn star you're kind of asking for it, just wrong that the kidnapping was a joke.
Pre-emptive guilty plea:"But you know what I'm saying....stalkers aren't normal and get abnormal thoughts in their mind and if you've got myspace, they could be watching you and if you're reading this site, they probably are you.
The Sentence: The establishment of a Drunkenstepfather webcam business with 30,000 subscribers, on which he teaches SAT vocabulary and current events in his tighty whities. Oh yeah, and they have to pay.
The Charge: Faternizing
The Accused: Lonely loser Todd from I Don't Like You In That Way
The Evidence: "Jennifer Love Hewitt has been wearing maternity clothes for the past three years, so I guess now we know why. Holy shit. I would say more, but if you'll excuse me, I need to go get my penis. He just stuck his head in the oven."
Points For Good Behavior: None. I mean, what the fuck, so she's gotten some curviage since fucking Party of Five. Did you really think, with tits like that, that she wasn't going to? Have you ever actually fucked a real woman, Todd? A woman whose tits you didn't have to chip in for, I mean?
The Sentence: 40 hours cleaning the toilets at the Renfrew Center.
The Charge: Promoting Violence Against (Pregnant) Women
The Accused: Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Evidence: So Christina is prego and naked on the cover of Marie Claire, and one of Brendan's trusty subordinates takes it upon himself to airbrush her tummy away. Resourceful! Then this: "Do you see how quickly a naked chick goes from creepy to hot once you remove the human being crawling around inside of them? So if you see Christina Aguilera today, and you see a guy next to her who isn't punching her in the stomach, rest assured, that's not me."
Points for Good Behavior: Okay, to be fair, it is really annoying how nudity is only acceptable in American magazines when the subject is eight months pregnant. Because it either means: "well, she's pregnant, so no one could possibly think we're running this because it's sexy" or "being pregnant is so sexy and beautiful, pregnant women! Don't you feel SEXY?" So yeah, this shit makes us want to punch someone, too. Maybe Brendan!
The Sentence: Standing in front of firing squad of 10 hormonal pregnant woman wearing a hat that says "I like to punch pregnant women in the stomach for fun!"
The Charge: Drooling Obsession With Weight
The Accused: Sweet, bland Rian from The Skinny
The Evidence: "It has been determined by many of the voters in our Desperate Housewives Body Poll that Teri does not have the best body on the show because she is too skinny. Which is quite interesting if you think about it - especially given the fact that many of us are so thin-obsessed. I can't help but wonder what she eats to stay so skinny..."
Points for Good Behavior: Oh god, this post cracks us up because finally Rian is not only unable to contain her envy for the woman her readers have just deemed "too skinny," but for once she doesn't end the post, "What do you guys think?" Because she doesn't want to know. It's like sitting in the hall waiting for your therapy session and overhearing someone else really boring talk about their problems, and then when your shrink emerges to tell you it's time you can tell by the look on her face that the look on your face is unable to disguise the thought "oh man, that chick is a customer for life."
The Sentence: Admitting you have a problem is the first step, Rian!