Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue a virtual spanking to the internet's most popular gossip bloggers for their Crimes Against Womanity. This week we're laying off of Rian from The Skinny because it's the holidays and we know Thanksgiving must have been awfully hard for her. But Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do? goes where no one should ever go [hint: rape joke(s) + Zahara Jolie-Pitt = bad news]. As an aside, we want to send out huge kisses to Michael K from DListed, who, despite his usual sardonic slaying of every celebrity on the planet, was possibly the lone gossip blogger this week to leave little Lourdes Ciccone alone, saying, "I applaud Madonna for not allowing Lourdes to cover herself up in make-up and look like a cheap hooker like other girls her age." Amen! Let the Jezebel Justice System begin.
The Charge: Predatory Fantasies
The Accused: The perv behind Drunken Stepfather
The Evidence: "I love insecure girls because they get naked for me without much convincing, they just like the pat on the back or cum shot stamp of approval because it makes them feel wanted and for a person who hates themselves, feeling wanted is important."
Points for Good Behavior: Yeah, no. The child molester implications in his name alone earn him a few thousand lashes.
The Sentence: A diddling at the hands of a Catholic priest perhaps?
The Charge: Unacceptable Standards of Beauty for Little Girls
The Accused: Mario Lavandeira from Perez Hilton
The Evidence: "What's worse? For a woman to have a unibrow or hair on her lip?????"
Points for Good Behavior: That oh-so-subtle jab at little Lourdes possibly pissed us off more than any other blogger who took shots at Madonna's daughter. An 11-year-old is not a woman and she should pluck her eyebrows when she damn well chooses, even if it's never.
The Sentence: Having that face is punishment enough.
The Charge: Rampant Sexualization of Stereotypes
The Accused: Ball-scratcher Todd from I Don't Like You In That Way
The Evidence: "Vanessa Minnillo looks like the girl that gave my dad water in the P.O.W. camp. And if I remember the story correctly, that's not the sexiest look you can have."
Points For Good Behavior:Todd and his colleague Jenny have been pretty mellow lately and we like to reward good behavior with treats. We'll take it easy on you cuties this week.
The Sentence: Washing all of the Jezebel's Thanksgiving dishes.
The Charge: Fostering A Nation of Pro-Rape Commenters
The Accused: Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Evidence: "Zahara's mom was raped (not this one). Wow, Zaharas mom must be really pretty to get that guy so turned on like that. I read somewhere that the reason dudes rape girls is because they think the girl is really pretty. It's basically a compliment. That same study said that the leading cause of pedophilia is "sexy children". I think it was in the bible."
Points for Good Behavior: We get the fact that this is supposed to be a joke and that Brendan doesn't really believe half the crap that he spews, but is he really doing the world any good with jokes about rape? Take this comment from "Joseph", who responded to Brendan's post with this gem: "Okay, I admit that I'm the guy who raped Zahara's mom. MmmmMmmm... and that was one hot distended-abdomen, flies-in-the-face, skull-of-death-looking piece of ass. A little bony, though. And I had a hard time jamming my raperator into her dried-up vag, so I had to use the knife to 'open things up a little.' On the plus side, my pre-episiotomy allowed the kid came out with a perfect round head!"
The Sentence: Two weeks volunteering in a rape crisis center while wearing a placard that reads "I think rape is funny".