It's almost Black Friday! And thanks to Wal-Mart, you may have two Black Fridays this season — the company petitioned some royal astrologer to officially declare Black Saturday a "Friday" as well. Clever, right? Anyway, we don't usually shop, but we love trying to interpret retail sales forecasts from the country's big chain stores: let's see, high-end stores like Saks are rolling in dough, while middlebrow type establishments like Target, Macy's and Kohl's et al are sorta "meh," and then back down on the low-end zone Wal-Mart is pretty optimistic. (Almost like there's "two Americas," right?) Meanwhile in the high school market, beacon of original consumption patterns as ever, Abercrombie & Fitch and its sister store Hollister — remember Hollister, of the backroom underage orgies? — is predicting a great shopping season. And say what you will about it all being a media-perpetuated scam to keep the shaky economy afloat until the falling dollar pushes interest rates so high the credit card companies will actually be forced to stop lending people money with which to buy stupid shit, Black Friday is awesome.

People all over suburbia gather peacefully in the early morning, in many cases braving treacherous conditions and serious motherfucking indigestion, all in pursuit of something they have been reared in decades of market capitalism to think they desire: more stuff. Okay, so it's all kind of stupid, but what else brings the country together like a snaking line in the dead of early morning outside a Simon property mall? I've actually watched people go on coffee runs for complete strangers on Black Friday! And what better way to spend the afternoon than drunk at Ruby Tuesday, preferably one with a view of one of those half-dressed Abercrombie greeters? Uh, well, almost anything, but as long as you're stuck at home...

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