Campaign 2008 Got You Hating Women Yet? We Can Solve That!

You know how genders? They're different? And thus in society? Their roles: traditionally different? Do you accept this? Have you outgrown it, sorta? And like, we're all adults here? (Well, you know.) So when Hillary calls herself your "girl," and her husband refers to her opponents as "those boys," and then McCain gets knocked by liberal bloggers for not "condemning" it when a supporter refers to her as a "bitch" — oooh ooooh! rub index fingers together!!! — and then you read about how women sorta like Hillary, because she's a girl and they are girls, but on the other hand they know enough of competitive girls to keep a distance, do you not feel, just a little, like everyone's appealing to some electoral elementary school principal? Salon's Rebecca Traister does, I think, which may be why she adds this imagery to a story today about all the other women we send to the White House next November:

Far too many contenders seem to have selected their better halves from the Political Helpmate Bin made available to eighth-grade boys who already know they want to be president. I often wondered if these guys were spirited away during gym class and presented with a kick line of apple-cheeked, god-fearing, pearl-wearing, cookie-baking girls willing to sacrifice independent thought, sensuality and their postgraduate education in service to the highest office.

But guess what! Times have changed! Kids in eighth grade these days, they're having anal! (Fuck, they're probably doing that Dirty Sanchez thing!)

And at the same time, it's crazy, I know! Presidential marriages have gotten, well, much more COMPLEX. Even Fred Thompson's hot wife — "the notion that she is a slutty twinkie is just the wet dream of every hard-up pundit on cable news," writes Traister. And today, for instance, you can have a First Lady who is actually smart enough to be the president. Like Elizabeth Edwards!

Isn't it amazing????

So yeah, this whole thing about Hillary: She can't show her tits or guffaw without being scrutinized! She just can't win! But at the same time, it's inevitable that she does win! So we are still stuck in some Cold War eighth grade gym class? But we're not, because we're about to elect a WOMAN.

Guess what? UNSUBSCRIBE.

I = OVER IT.

See, Hillary is totally one of those women who wants to have it all and I hate her for that because it's impossible to have it all and everyone knows that she doesn't have it all, that you have to make sacrifices once in awhile, that the twenty-four hours in a day and the howevermany tons of fossil fuels are a zero=sum game and everyone knows it so why don't you just admit it already????

Seriously, admit it! You would maybe be happier if you weren't so fucking ambitious and greedy! Maybe there is a lesson in that for all of us!!!! Or maybe it's just my generation, because you fucking Cold War boomers totally spoiled the dream! And left us with fucking Vladimir Putin. And...that's why people like Michelle Obama don't make it to the White House. Better luck next wartime!

America's Next Top Spouse [Salon]