It's hump day! Also known as the day in which we digest every major tabloid and pick out the good bits for you, gentle reader. In this week's rundown, Britney wore a really hideous Halloween costume and her kids' teeth are going to fall out, Angelina is possibly getting it on with either her new bodyguard, Billy, or her Wanted co-star James McAvoy, Us Weekly continues their probably lucrative love affair with the cast of the Hills, and Jezebel favorite Tyra Banks alienates her banker paramour's friends with her cray cray behavior. Intern Sharon helped us compile all the info you're secretly dying to know but embarrassed to be caught reading on the subway, after the jump.
Britney is SICK! Declares the cover, showing Brit with her broke-ass weave and hideously unflattering Halloween costume. Inside we learn that Spears got straight Fs on the Parenting Report Card graded by her court-appointed parenting coach because her home life is "chaotic." A "confidant" thinks Brit is suffering from adult onset ADD or postpartum depression. Us then provides a handy chart delineating the signs of mental illness for those of us not already convinced that Brit is batshit. In Hills news, the axis of evil known as Spencer Pratt is allegedly shopping a sex tape "under the guise that it had been 'stolen.'" The tape shows Pratt n' pals hooking up with a bunch of Brazilian hussies. Later, Audrina catches JustinBobby making out with a redhead at L.A. club Opera and has since begun dating Australian pro BMXer Corey Bohan. Also inside: did Katie Holmes run the marathon without a bra (but with lipstick and eyeshadow)? Are Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson really dating? "Did Brad Get Dissed by Barak?" Are Christina Applegate and ex-husband Johnathon Schaech back together? What is the meaning of life?
Grade: C- (cold mac n' cheese the next morning)