Wal-Tart Julie Roehm's Sad, Slutty Fight With Wal-Mart Is Over

For some time I have been obsessed with Juile Roehm. She used to have pretty much the most objectionable job possible, which was to try and convince consumers Wal-Mart was "hip" through the powers of marketing, but then she was fired in a way that actually made Wal-Mart look like the good guy, because apparently the only kind of respectable policy they have is to not inadvertently contribute to waste by accepting free shit from advertising agencies and vendors and she broke that a bunch of times while on extended business trips to New York that were even further extended by the fact that she was screwing her underling, and then when she was fired she sued and Wal-Mart released all these lovey-dovey emails between them that maybe they got from the underling's wife — they were, natch, both married — and suddenly the tabloids filled up with all these reports of them showing up in pajamas at the Bentonville Starbucks and generally carrying on like two Access Hollywood reporters clinging to one another in the middle of a war zone.

To make matters weirder, she kept denying that she's had an affair (and her husband was like, totally standing behind her) while she and Wal-Mart just kept ratcheting and ratcheting up the legal stakes and smearing one another in the press until...well, until now.

Because the saga appears to be finally over. Julie Roehm gets no money, and also, because like everyone in marketing she's a bubbly narcissistic princess of self-hype and no one really likes her, she gets no sympathy, as conveyed through the copy of this parody ad that's been making the rounds on the internet:

If you come to Wal-Mart, please don't fuck your co-workers. But if you do, and we fire you, please don't fuck us with your frivolous lawsuit. Because our legal team will fuck you for every penny you've got...right down to your kid's college fund. Guaranteed.
Sigh. I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness that this whole thing. Because while Julie Roehm was probably not the person you'd want as a boss, you can't help but think there are some lessons in her rise for some of those ethical, modest, under-appreciated and undersexed wage slaves out there among us. So Julie: if you want a gig as a Career counselor, drop us a line! It will only take, like, twenty-seven years in the job to pay of your legal fees...