Shower Rape Jokes Do Not Make Women Horny

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue a virtual spanking to the internet's most popular bloggers for their crimes against Womanity. OMG, you guys. This week's offenders do not include good ol' P-Nasty, not because we were trying to avoid him but because, gulp, he just didn't offend us in any noticeable way. Is he changing his ways? Or are we just desensitized to his cum-scribbling? Regardless, rejoice! Michael K is noticeably absent as well — he's been a good boy and left all his nasty shit-talking to those who deserved it. Alas, this week our attention was focused on some of the usual offenders — Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do? and Karl from The Superficial. But surprise, surprise, our humorless feminist outrage targets Jenny as well as Todd from I Don't Like You In That Way because, hey, she called us cunts and only our mom has the right to do that. Let the Jezebel Justice System begin!



The Charge:Fat-ernizing
The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way's girl-hating twosome Todd and Jenny.
The Evidence: "Strip away the Hollywood fairy dust and the studio magic, and [Jennifer Lopez] is just a fat chick who's [sic] voice sounds like kittens in a fire. Her career, at best, should consist of her parked at the corner of an intersection beside the mall, selling those giant rugs and Puerto Rican flags to help cover the cost of night school."
Points for Good Behavior: Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. How we misjudged you. At one point we brainstormed over IM ways of freeing you from Todd's misogynist clutches, because clearly, no respectable, smart woman could ever like or defend that guy. And this week we even admired a few of your posts — the one, about Hayden Panetierre's mom having eyebrows that look like apostrophes? That was hilarious! But alas, we saw that you called us a very not nice word (well, unless it's coming from Slutmachine!) and for that we must declare war. P.S. Please tell Todd that Jennifer Lopez is not fat, his teeny, tiny penis pressed up against his laptop screen just makes her appear that way in comparison. Also: It should be whose, not who's.
The Sentence: Girl fight!


The Charge: Anti-Androgyny
The Accused: Painfully virginal Karl Wang from The Superficial.
The Evidence: "...it is not cool for chicks to look like dudes. I don't care what style of sex you have. I mean, what if she turns around? Then it's all tears and confusion and questions about your sexual identity. Just like my prom night."
Points for Good Behavior: Some of you have argued that The Superficial is funny and we agree, sometimes it is. We get that some of this stuff is supposed to be tongue in cheek, but it's hard to swallow when the person who's cheekily insulting a woman's looks, or sexual behavior, or role in society is a straight dude who probably has Mommy issues. Also, there's no denying that Fergie Ferg's plastic surgery is a wee bit over the top and scary. But let's not insult all of those extremely sexy and beautiful women out there who do rock the androgynous look okay?
The Sentence: Kicked out of Mommy's basement!


The Accused: Rian from The Skinny who, wow, no offense to Todd and Jenny, is rapidly becoming our most hated blogger, like, ever.
The Evidence: "I have always admired [Queen Latifah] for being so obviously comfortable in her skin, despite her weight. She is 5′10 and weighs "somewhere in the 200's". She might be a bit overweight, but her weight hasn't skyrocketed up and up over the years - she seems to have chosen a range and stuck to it."
Points for Good Behavior: Well, it's a seemingly innocuous post, except for the fact that Rian is totally fucking lying. You know she is thinking to herself, "Queen Latifah is such a fat ass. What do you guys think?" There's so much distaste oozing out of every post this bitch writes about any celeb who's on the curvy side (Eva Longoria and Jessica Alba, that includes you too!) while admiration just beems from posts about super skinny celebs even though she tries to act like she doesn't approve of extreme weight loss. Rian must be the world's worst poker player. All of her "tells" are on total display, 24/7.
The Sentence: Pro-ana websites blocked from her laptop!


The Charge: Sexualizing Rape
The Accused: Wow, Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do?, you've hit a new low!
The Evidence: "I hope Jessica Biel gets arrested, because if she's in the showers, doing time for bonking a photographer with an umbrella, I have to imagine she'd be the one getting raped."
Points For Good Behavior: None. Sometimes WWTDD makes us laugh, but then we read the comments section after posts like this and we're very, very scared. Some of these bloggers might try and make the argument that they're doing satire. But satire isn't supposed to be so vague that you get a slew of people echoing, "If only i could bend her over and tap that ass until my dick turned to dust and blew away", "Damn, I want to make a kabob out of her...", and "Of all the girls on my 'to rape in the shower' list, she is like in the top 5."
The Sentence: We're feeling a little Lorena Bobbitt today. To quote Rian, "What do you guys think?"