The morning time is when you can read the headlines and ask yourself the obvious, but earnest questions you'd never think to address later on in the day because they sorta spoil the joke: is the middle class really disappearing in this country? Is the ever-widening income gap contributing to the rise in hate speech lately? Was that bounty hunter show as good as it sounded? We comb through the major papers (i.e. Drudge) and ask the dumb questions so you don't have to —and today we even tried to make it concise and reader-friendly so you can actually follow!
LOBBYIST: So, wtf is up with the rich and entitled this week? When did racism get so fucking trendy?
MOE: So, swastikas, nooses and the N-word. Racists: from the Ivy League to Nobels to the Aloha state, still so super-original! That's why I have trouble processing this shit. I was watching Katt Williams on CNN last night — he's that pimp-cum-stand up comedian from Atlanta who is kind of amusing if you are drunk I think — and he wore a noose as an accessory to some awards ceremony and he was just like, "You know, I'm not here to educate people who hang nooses on trees." It's like, seriously? Are you seriously serious? I can't make sense of it. Speaking of, did you ever watch Dog The Bounty Hunter? Because I didn't even know what it was, but reading about it in the wake of him being suspended for saying the N-word, it sounds like such a really great show!
Which is to say, I guess I'm glad I didn't get invested in it?
LOBBYIST: You know, I did watch it on occasion. It was a totes train wreck, the sort of thing it was hard to flip past because people were always fucked up acting crazy on it. Plus, there was a hot guy (not Dog)
But, let's just say that it was never particularly highbrow.
Also, the NYT brings us a tearful French rape victim. Only, this time, it's a man! Justice for sex crimes in the Middle East: not particularly good!
MOE: Oh, I read that story, which is to say, I skimmed it because I imagined that reading it in its entirety might be overly depressing. Basically a 15-year-old French tourist got raped by three men while on vacation and there were semen samples out the ass (ha ha, LITERALLY) but they're getting treated like shit by the local authorities, who assured them all three rapists were "disease-free" when, ha ha ha, except for the one with AIDS, and part of it is a story about Muslim countries and sex crimes, and part of it is, in my mind anyway, a story about how phenomenal economic growth can so creepily mask government brutality/injustice/torture/mind control/miscellaneous fucked upness/etc.
LOBBYIST: Also, if you get forcibly sodomized, they stick a speculum in your ass.
MOE: Well that's the same with girls/vadges/rape kits, no?
LOBBYIST: Well, yes, except for the ass thing. Plus, once I had to get seen at student health services for an infection down there, and the inept mofo stuck one in my vadge without lube and swore up and down he couldn't use it without "ruining" his sample. So, again, ouch.
MOE: I also wanted to discuss with you today's stories about the economy. Growth is up, rates were cut, women are gaining parity with men, but the middle class is still vanishing, the upper-class is still getting richer as evidenced by this story about a corporate law firm giving its associates two year-end bonuses, money with which, according to the first most-emailed story in the Times today, they are outsourcing their kids' homework to where else: India!
I mean, basically, I don't know if you can link income disparity to the proliferation of hate crimes in this country, but, uh, it seems to go down that way in a lot of OTHER countries, ya know? And I would like to find an answer that isn't all-out protectionism and all I can come up with is .... um some sort of tax that will put teachers' salaries in line with first year corporate law associates'?
LOBBYIST: Well, I think somewhere in the WSJ article, it basically says that the middle class isn't having sustained wage growth because those are the people that never went to college.
I mean, the guy basically said that it's a study of the rewards of a college education
MOE: College is such a crazy ponzi scheme though, you know?
LOBBYIST: So, how about why top research scientists aren't making the same as corporate law associates
MOE: Oh right, or supreme court justices!
LOBBYIST: Oh, it totes is. My grad degree was the biggest waste of intellectual effort, and yet everyone thinks it makes me soooo smart.
And it cost a fuck ton of money
The only people without college educations seeing wage growth are professional athletes and entertainers.
MOE: Well I dropped out after two years, so I would belong to the camp without a college education, and having attended probably 15% of the classes I was supposed to attend during those two years, I can tell you that everything important I learned can be summed up thusly: rich Ivy Leaguers are just as douchebaggy as middle-class suburbanites, only with less Abercrombie & Fitch.
LOBBYIST: HA. Yes, luckily I went to a college and majored in subjects where I could ignore both those types of people completely! And hang out with the other freaks and geeks.
MOE: Oh, and look what just came up over the ticker: Coal mining is back as a career path! Awesome!
LOBBYIST: Oh, yay! Just the way to get ahead in this cold, cruel world. Strap on a respirator (maybe) and head underground for manual labor in the one industry environmentalists would like to see go away more than Big Oil! Speaking of going away, I usually don't read Maureen Dowd, but is she normally this incomprehensible?
MOE: Ooooh, a Slate story about Ashkenazi Jews and how they're smarter than us.
LOBBYIST: Also, she thinks it was haughty when my crush, Nicholas Sarkozy, refused to address gossip about his wife leaving him in an interview? Yeah, I saw that. I mean, can't we file that under the phrase "good stereotypes are still stereotypes?" Plus, with all the mixed marriages with us less brainy Anglos here, that'll change soon enough. We'll breed that out if it hurts. We're all Americans after all. We can't be too smart.
MOE: Honestly, I feel kind of bad for the Sephardim. Israel is a really small country. Beyond that, Maureen Dowd is kind of incomprehensible to me most of the time. Does that make me dumb, or smarter since she's obvs a Gentile?
LOBBYIST: Dude, I have no idea. But, if we want to go back to the subject of people with more money than sense, how about this kid, who offered a guy a new pickup truck to kill his mom?
MOE: Oh, man, the picture of that kid....southern Maryland....we've already dicussed coal mining today! It's all too much. I'm marrying a Jew.