It's Wednesday, which means stacks of freshly minted tabloid goodness arrive at your local newsstand. Jess here, filling in for Dodai (who is filling in for Anna) and wading through two TomKat covers (OK! says they make it work, Star says they're torn apart), more Britney pregnancy rumors, a possible Brangelina wedding, and a guide to dating from the Hills' Lauren Conrad — Audrina says she deserves someone sarcastic and tall (what?). Trusty intern Sharon helped separate the tender nuggets of good gossip from the pages of lame diet advice and product shilling. After the jump, everything you don't really need to know but feel compelled to find out!
"My New Dating Rules!" Lauren Conrad's perky face beams from the cover. L.C. has had a ladyboner recently for artists and musicians because "they tend to be more sensitive." Her new rules for dating include reading The Game, googling prospective sweethearts, waiting for boys to call her, letting boys pay for dinner, and not hooking up with boys on the first date. Sounds like someone has been reading The Rules as well. Lauren also has a crush on Zac Efron because "his hair is always so pretty!" Meanwhile, Us devotes six pages to two separate Britney features, more notably an interview with Brit's former assistant, Kalie Machado. Kalie, who earned $4,000 for her 3 months in Spears' employ, mostly goes over old territory about Brit's sobbing jags and crappy mothering, but adds, "I never saw her take prescription medication — but she needed it. She needs mental help." In addition: Angelina and Jen battle it out on separate covers of W Magazine (Jen is "shocked and disappointed" that W decided to run the cover, which has a fake signature from Jen courtesy of artist Richard Prince); Jerry Seinfeld dabbled in Scientology 30 years ago ("I learned some things about communication that really got my act going."); Cate Blanchett might be sporting a baby bump; A feature about celebs mating with men who look like their fathers (J.Lo's dad looks creepily like Marc Anthony); Lilo drops out of her New Year's Eve hosting duties at Pure in Las Vegas — maybe she'll really stay sober this time around!
Grade: B+ (Ryan Gosling's hotness level in The Notebook)
"A Wedding to Keep Brad," announces the cover, which In Style calls an "Exclusive," but mostly includes old Pitt quotes from British Cosmo. A "confidant" tells the mag that Brad wants to get hitched because "Deep down, Brad is haunted that, if they split, Angie would automatically get to keep the kids." Also inside: another week, another Britney article, but this one has a quote from Hyde-goer and L.A. musician Scott Kohler who says, "I watched Britney let a guy do a line of coke off her chest." It's no purple drank, but it's still a pretty scandalous. In Touch also wonders whether Dannielynn might have mental issues because of Anna Nicole's drug use while pregs (though baby daddy Larry Birkhead insists, "She is just fine and advanced in her developmental milestones."); Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson are hanging out and possibly banging ("They cracked each other up."); Lindsay is talking about moving in with new beau Riley Giles (though 79% of readers think she's "moving too fast"); crazed Mariah Carey fans get "M" tattoos in honor of Mimi and knocked up Halle Berry is now officially a D-cup. Finally, Mary-Kate Olsen may have found Jesus (or conversely, is Jesus). She was overheard outside the Beatrice Inn shouting, "Christ saves all! I save all! Consider yourself saved!" It sounds like she found Jesus at the bottom of a bottle of tequila.
Grade: D+ (Ryan Gosling in Lars and the Real Girl)