Happy Halloween, folks! Know what this means? The PERFECT STORM of Slutty ShallowTween trend stories! Here's a quick guide. You start with the question, "Why did Halloween replace "scary" with "slutty"?" and usually the the follow-up, "Did witch and zombie costumes get replaced by costumes prefixed-'naughty' and/or 'sexy' maybe at the same time BRATZ DOLLS became acceptable?" The next-level story wonders if all this has something to do with the de-juvenilization of Halloween. Just when did self-respecting adults start dressing up like French maids? (And why, if French are supposed to be so classic and subtly chic, do their maids dress like strippers?) " Some commentators blame the gays, and the gays are not having it, and miscellaneous references to Kim Kardashian/Tila Tequila/Pussycat Dolls/burlesque/Hot Topic ensue, and at this point maybe we should return to Bratz — you can even be a Bratz for Halloween! And the big takeaway of it all is: everyone in this country between the ages of six and forty six is basically a slutty thirteen-year-old. And that is the new scary.
Take me. I have never been one of those people who needed a costume to be a slut, or a series of nine open-bar parties to be a drunk, but I've always appreciated Halloween for its generosity of spirit: the Loaves-and-Fishes communalism of bygone era trick-or-treating spreads, for that one fateful night, into the domain of alcohol, drugs, and more alcohol. (Only instead of putting razorblades in the apples, someone just uses them to lace whatever you're snorting with another slightly cheaper drug that probably won't kill you so it's cool.) Anyway, all I'm saying is: all these the "slutty" stories are missing the point. After all, maybe if I had worn a slutty costume I would have spent more time tugging at it self-consciously and less time being an actual drunk slut. In short: Halloween is scarier than it ever was. Also, I think I am still high.