I've come to realize that there are six basic elements upon which all the lady talk shows are based: food, sex, gay men, crazies, Joy Behar's vagina, and Tyra's weave. Oddly, I'm not deterred by any of these, and in fact, I find them really engaging. This week, Tyra and The View both had Lance Bass on their couches to promote his book Out of Sync, his story about coming out of the closet as a gay man. Tyra was the only one with the balls to ask him if he had a crush on her. It's like, "Duh, Tyra. He said he likes dudes not...drag queens." Heidi Klum and Seal went on Oprah to discuss how perfect their lives are. Oprah asked them when they first knew they were in love and Heidi said she knew the minute she met him—because he was wearing bicycle shorts and she could see how big his dick was. No joke. After the jump, crazy people!

There's nobody crazier than Tyra Banks. She kinda looks like a vampire here, right? Fangs 'n' Bangs.

Heidi Klum Tells Oprah About Seal's Giant Black Cock

Except for the two old ladies with dementia that she had on her show. Julia, the one on the left, kept talking about her children, but the number of children that she had kept changing throughout the interview. Seriously, I don't think I've loved a daytime TV interview more than this one.

Heidi Klum Tells Oprah About Seal's Giant Black Cock

And speaking of crazy, did anyone else notice in that clip of Heidi Klum talking into her camera that they are playing Seal's "Crazy" in the background? Sometimes you have to really give it up for the subtle genius of television editors.

Heidi Klum Tells Oprah About Seal's Giant Black Cock

OK, so when did Lance Bass stop having gay eyes and start having crazy eyes? Those are some for real Miss Cleo googly shit. He kept making that face throughout his interview.

Heidi Klum Tells Oprah About Seal's Giant Black Cock

And is it crazy for me to hope that Elisabeth Hasslebeck's labor is extra painful?

Heidi Klum Tells Oprah About Seal's Giant Black Cock

Lastly, just for shits and giggles:

Heidi Klum Tells Oprah About Seal's Giant Black Cock