Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue a virtual spanking to the internet's most popular bloggers for their crimes against Womanity. As requested, this is a delightfully NAME REDACTED-free edition, though we were tempted to deliver a beatdown of His Tubbiness for boasting this week about buying an admittedly adorable puppy from a breeder — we're rescue dog lovers here at Jezebel, but we suppose when you want your dog to fit in with Tinkerbell and London, you've got to go designer. Anyhoo, we've decided to ignore the bastard this week and bring you the sins of our most favorite blogger, Michael K at DListed, alongside habitual offender Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do? and newbie Nick from Celebslam. Let the Jezebel Justice System begin!
The Charge: Ugly Uglifying
The Accused: DListed's otherwise wonderful Michael K.
The Evidence: "I'd tell his ass to go wack off to pictures of Mr. Ed...I mean Hilary. I'd check his dick for teef marks from Hilary's horsey mouth."
Points for Good Behavior: Here's the thing. We were all for calling Hilary Duff horsey when she got those ridiculous veneers put in that looked like chiclets and made her jaw look super pronounced — when cosmetic changes make a celebrity look like shit, they're fair game for ripping on. But Hilary got those teeth whittled down, and now she looks great and really, we're just annoyed with bloggers in general calling her, and Sarah Jessica, horsey. Cause they're not. But we still love you Michael K, especially since you posted this anti-sexual assault gem about America's Next Smartest Model's Andre who claimed that since he already has sex with the girl he groped, he couldn't be at fault. "Just because you slept with a girl once doesn't mean you have the right to grab her ass whenever you want."
The Sentence: Two weeks with no Phoebe Price sightings for you to post about!
The Charge: Cellutarding
The Accused: Heinous, horrible Todd from I Don't Like You In That Way (we don't like you in that way either, douche).
The Evidence: "Hayden Panettiere went shopping for a camera in Los Angeles on Monday. At least I think it's Los Angeles. I'm not too sure about how much hail they normally get this time of year."
Points for Good Behavior: In fairness, a few other (straight, male) bloggers pointed out Hayden's apparent minute amount of cellulite. That said, we don't reward bank robbers because they're copying something they saw on an episode of Cops.
The Sentence: F-f-fireddddddd!
The Charge: Mis-defining Rape
The Accused: Nick the straight loser behind Celebslam, a lovely new addition to our collection of creepsters.
The Evidence: Refers to accused rapist David Copperfield as someone who "likes it rough."
Points for Good Behavior: It's a first-time offense so we'd normally cut Nick a little slack and give him a week to prove himself, but rape jokes are on our list of irredeemable offenses. Sorry bro!
The Sentence: We'll turn Nick's threat against Copperfield around on him. "...since his anus is going to get more beat up than Johnny Fairplay at an awards ceremony!"
The Charge: Promoting Dangerous Body Image Expectations
The Accused: The Godfather of gossip scum Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do.
The Evidence: "Thank god Scarlett Johansson didn't cover it in chocolate or the tubby bitch would have eaten it. No, fatty, put that down! Not everything is food fatty!"
Points for Good Behavior: None. Scarlett Johansson isn't fat. She's not even what Rian from The Skinny considers "curvy". And even if she was remotely close to the standard, medical definition of "fat", we're pretty sure that basement dwelling slob Brendan has her beat.
The Sentence: Twenty-four hours of watching fat porn non-stop.
The Charge: Annoying the Fuck Out of Us
The Accused: Oh Rian. How we hate you and your Skinny worshipping.
The Evidence: "I happen to feel personally that America Ferrera is wrong - and that Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria are both in fact curvy. True, they are very slim women. But they have hips... they have a waist and boobs and butts... just because they aren't flabby or have excessive poundage doesn't mean they aren't curvy!"
Points For Good Behavior: If she actually wrote well, we might give her a point. But she doesn't. So, if we're to understand Rianorexic, curvy basically means anyone who isn't totally fucking skeletal, because the last time we checked, women who are size zero (as both Alba and Longoria are) do indeed have "hips" and a "butt" and this mysterious thing called a "waist". So does everyone, including a newborn baby, halfwit.
The Sentence: Too busy stuffing ourselves with a grande burrito to waste any time on this twat.