Meet Anonymous Lobbyist, Your Substitute Hardened Cynic For The Next Two Weeks

Please welcome Wonkette's Anonymous Lobbyist. She'll be filling in for the next two weeks while Anna retreats to her undisclosed location — she says she's going to Australia, but I'm pretty sure that's how far I would have to say I was going to keep her from calling me on Saturday morning with some brilliant new scheme about how she wants to go get her hair saturated with formaldehyde just to see if she would die and can she get the company to expense that? Anyway, Anonymous Lobbyist first came to my attention when she started sending me old Crap emails, and then I started reading her weekly column about the government and had a realization: all of life is really just a series of immature, emotionally unavailable egotistical dudes. And that is why we blog. After the jump, Anonymous answers the pressing question of a certain blogger. And for the next two weeks you, too, can ask her your pressing questions if you email us.

I thought that years of observing the harsh realities of urban decay/religious fanaticism/late capitalism as a journalist-cum-unemployed person-cum blogger had qualified me for the title of "realist." Then I started reading about your life as a lobbyist and suddenly filled with all these new, dare I say more cynical thoughts, like, maybe I should try to enroll in business school before I get too old to use the chance to find a husband/bombing Iran wouldn't be the worst idea in the world/ I should probably freeze/sell my eggs before I hit thirty and also find a new job doing PR for a defense contractor or something. OK, so, the important part here is: will I ever find love?

Well, first off, I think the only women that do post-graduate MRS degrees go to law school, and the money-hungry B-school types generally marry, like, school teachers to stay home with the kids and bang strippers on the side, so you may wish to reconsider that particular path. As for Iran, can't we all agree it's better to bomb the shit out of it rather than actually send troops in? Freezing your eggs involves really big needles stuck in really soft places, and you're already too old to get much money for them (the folks who advertise in college papers seem to prefer donors under 25). Defense contractors don't do much PR that isn't lobbying because they don't really care if you think they're a bunch of money-grubbing, government-cheating, civilian-killing assholes as long as the government keeps giving them your tax dollars.

And I don't know that you can find love unless you want it so badly that you'll accept the closest facsimile until your eventual divorce. You can't find an emotion, you either feel it or you don't. So the best you can do is pay attention to your own feelings, try to not fuck complete assholes in the mean time and be open to the possibility that the least probable guy in any given circumstance is maybe the one who will cause you to feel it (oh, shit, can you tell I got laid last night? that last part sounds way too idealistic).