Wednesday is tabloid day! This week, Angelina lands two covers, each painting her as a liar and villain; two covers are devoted to body issues and/or cellulite, and one cover is reserved for the trout-pouted trainwreck that is Miss Britney Spears. Also, today Midweek Madness is brought to you in part by Intern Sharon — she's new! — who was brave enough to wade through the detritus, flotsam and jetsam of the weekly rags to help us find shreds of actual, scandalous gossip. Not an easy job!
"Broken Promises," an "exclusive," claims the over. The story inside is about how Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's son, Maddox, has lived in 15 homes all over the world, and was crying when he had to leave the Waldorf Towers in New York so that Angelina could start shooting a movie in L.A. "Angie went back on her word," swears In Touch — she promised a stable life for Maddox, she said she'd settle in New Orleans, she didn't make up with her father, she keeps accepting more movie roles and she's disrespectful to Brad. "Brad sees breaking promises as a big deal," says a friend. And yet these two are still together! Also inside: A story on Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes: "One year later: Are They Still Happy?". The answer? "To be honest, I think she gets bored sometimes," a source says. This story, like one in Life & Style recently, ends mid-sentence. Editing error! Also in the issue: Jennifer Lopez is getting ready for her baby by building a pricey nursery with a $75,000 antique crib from France and angels painted on the ceiling; Britney Spears has body issues that drive her to lip-plumping and liposuction, plus she has a "new Britney" closet with clothes that are too small but she hopes she'll eventually fit into; Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are moving in together; Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham has bunions from her high-heel habit and could need surgery; Kimora Lee Simmons says, "I'm a breeder. It's my job and I do it well," and wants "one, two or three" more babies. Plus: 10 guys who went from "Total Cad to Devoted Dad" include Ashton Kutcher, Mark Wahlberg, Colin Farrell, Michael Lohan and, you guessed it, Kevin Federline; and kids who have the same hair dos as their parents, including Jennifer Garner's daughter Violet, David Beckham's sons Brooklyn, Cruz and Romeo, and Donald Trump's son Barron.
"Secret Meeting With Kevin," shouts the cover, but inside we discover that such a meeting has yet to happen. The better scoop is this: Britney eats 5,110 calories a day! Frappucinos, chocolate-chip cookies, In-N-Out burgers [YESSSSS! -Ed.], McDonald's and Taco Bell. There's stuff about her bad body image, too — she buys anti-aging creams, got her lips done and wants more surgery. Also inside: John Mayer is a player — he kisses other chicks even though he's dating Minka Kelly (they're not exclusive, says the mag); Lourdes Ciccone Leon Ritchie, Suri Cruise, Kingston Rossdale and Zahara Jolie-Pitt are spoiled by their celeb moms, though Katie Holmes might (gasp!) make Suri's Halloween costume herself , as she was seen buying "red felt fabric and purple furry fabric" for that purpose; at home with CSI star and super hottie Gary Dourdan who says he is single and dating celebs is 'a hassle"; and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is a 'little princess" who isn't affected at all by the constant traveling," has two nannies and has her Daddy Brad wrapped around her finger. Plus: Tom Brady is "trapped" trying to make supermodel girlfriend Gisele happy and maintain a relationship with Bridget Moynahan so that he can see his son. This results in fighting with Gisele. A lot.
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"Stars Beating Cellulite!" cheers the cover, and inside the story reports on stars — including Jessica Simpson, Kate Hudson, Mischa Barton, Pam Anderson, Uma Thurman, Reese Witherspoon, Oprah, and Kate Moss — doing things from rubbing coffee grounds on their bodies and not drinking soda to actually working out. Lots of pix of ripples, lumpy thighs and butts. [Isn't this usually 'National Enquirer' territory? -Ed.] Also inside: One of Britney's "closest confidants," Sam Lufti, went through her trash and is now trying to sell the contents in addition to her emails — which include personal info about lesbian sex and drug use. Lufti claims he can get $1 million for the secrets. Nicole Richie is eating solid meals, cleaning her plate and is 30 lbs. heavier; Spencer Pratt shot Heidi Montag's music video on the beach, in which she writhes in a bikini (She says, it's "really organic. It's like, just an average day in my life."). Orlando Bloom's luck keeps getting worse: In addition to his car crash 2 weeks ago, Kate Bosworth won't take him back, his house is a wreck due to painting and plumbing problems and a film he was supposed to be in lost its financing. Plus: Since her move to L.A., Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham has been having a body crisis: dizzy spells, acne, and exhaustion; Lindsay Lohan's new addiction is shopping — a shrink who doesn't treat her says people often shift from one drug to another and shopping gives "pleasurable rewards".
"Angelina Lies!" exclaims the cover, and inside the story alleges that Angelina lied about being open to meeting with Jennifer Aniston (she never did it), and lied about sexual partners (she's had more than the four she claims). Also inside: Britney Spears makes a special "purple drank" that's a mix of Diet Sprite, prescription-strength cough syrup with coedine, and sometimes painkillers. She also takes the anti-depressant Zoloft and sleep aid Ambien, which is why she's often spaced-out. A source says "she brags to everyone about her 'purple drank'"; Rihanna's "on the prowl" and will date anyone famous; Oprah has hypothyroidism, plus she's dealing with the allegations at her school in South Africa concerning a female matron who allegedly fondled a female student; and Portia di Rossi and Ellen Degeneres are on the rocks because Portia wants someone "younger and hotter," according to a source.
"Thin By New Year!" promises the cover, and inside Bachelorette Trista Sutter reports she has shed 22 pounds but wants to drop 10 more because she hates her "blubbery" belly. Us offers 3 ways to lose 10 lbs by New Year's: diet only, exercise only, or diet and exercise. Revolutionary! Also inside: A picture of Zac Efron looking like Jared Leto; Paula Abdul, 45, wants to have a baby in the next two years; Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal had separate suites in Rome — but on the same floor; Posh buys special-ordered stuff at Barneys in Beverly Hills and then returns tons of it after it's been altered; Britney's relationships with her parents are so strained they don't have her phone number; and sadly, Bold And The Beautiful actress Hunter Tylo's cute 19-year-old son had a seizure and drowned in a swimming pool.