The Quickest Way To A Woman's Heart Is Not Bukkake

Welcome back to "Missdemeanors", where we arrest, convict, and sentence gossip bloggers, hilarious or downright paint peeling, for their Crimes Against Womanity. While our punishments thus far have delved into the realm of our wildest and most violent fantasies, we've noticed that some of you would like to see these perps really penalized in more realistic ways. But aside from an old-school, sixties-style letter-writing campaign or a flaming bag of shit delivered to each of their doorsteps, we're painfully blank on how to scold these creepsters for real. Your suggestions are welcome in the comments section. After the jump, allow Perez Hilton's barely-legal blow job fantasies and generally evil, hateable, loathsome Todd from I Don't Like You In That Way inspire your wrath.



The Charge: Vulgarizing the Vagina
The Accused: Egotastic's mystery blogger who we have reason to believe might be named Phil. Fitting.
The Evidence: "Something smells fishy, and I'm not talking about Kim Kardashian's underwear drawer."
Points for Good Behavior: While "Phil" has the maturity of a 10-year-old boy, he is rather sweetly enamored with the female form. Boob appreciation jokes are certainly sexist in a way, but they don't really piss us off. That said, insinuating that the vagina smells gross is tired. Not that eau du femme (or "Vulva"!) is really our personal fave, but fish stink jokes are cliche and suggest you've never actually got close enough to one to smell it for real.
The Sentence: A kick to the balls never hurt.


The Charge: Sleazy Bedroom Tactics
The Accused: Brendan from What Would Tyler Durden Do, a real godfather of the misogynistic blogosphere, having spawned The Superficial and I Don't Like You In That Way as well.
The Evidence: "When I have sex, I'm like a squid, I just shoot the girl in the face and then take off during the resulting confusion."
Points for Good Behavior: Um, none. Women are not sperm receptacles for your amusement, fuckface. Would you splooge in your mom's face with that tiny dick?
The Sentence: Finally sentenced for those date rape offenses he's undoubtedly incurred.


The Charge: Art Skills That Suck Dick
The Accused: Mario Lavandeira, the increasingly-swelling blowhard behind Perez Hilton.
The Evidence: Doodling a cum-dripping penis near Hayden Panettiere's head, saying, "Something tells us [she] is quite familiar with this position."
Points for Good Behavior: Honestly, Perez isn't even remotely funny anymore. And he doesn't break news either. Really, why do we go to his site other than to hate on him? The pictures aren't even fun because they're ruined by his retarded monkey scribblings. By the way Mario, just because you can't get laid, doesn't mean every young actress is a cock-sucking whore. Really, the two aren't even connected.
The Sentence: We're vowing to not read his site for one full week and will not include his heinousness in next week's column. Just cuz.


The Charge: Passive-Aggressively Thinspiration
The Accused: That dum-dum Rian from The Skinny who wastes way too many brain cels obsessing over celebrity weight. Read a book, sweetie.
The Evidence: "Do YOU want to eat like Oprah? (Personally, I do not. I'd rather eat like one of the slim, fit celebrities whose weight doesn't fluctuate every five minutes!)"
Points for Good Behavior: Zero, just like Rian's likely dress-size. This site basically sucks and offends our eyes, when we could be wasting our work hours updating our Facebook profiles. It's boring. And for the record, of course you don't want to eat like Oprah, Rian. Because you have an Eating Disorder. You probably would rather eat like that pigeon we once saw in Florence, Italy whose beak was sewn shut.
The Sentence: A month living with one of those awesome tribes where fat women are worshipped.


The Charge: Worst Person, Um, Ever
The Accused: Todd from I Don't Like You In That Way. Has a nice person named Todd ever existed? We don't think so.
The Evidence: Let's put it this way: there's so much horrible girl-hate on this site that we compiled three gems.
1) "Good for Jennifer Aniston because a chick's vagina is like Yellowstone Park. When I go, I want to camp out. I don't want a sock in my teeth."
2) "God, I hate this ungrateful cunt. Every time Kirsten Dunst opens her mouth it's something like this. She has no discernible talent or dental plan... God knows why she was cast in Spider-Man. It sure wasn't to be pretty. They'd could have cast that WB frog and nobody would've known the difference."
3) "How did the soldier that Gilligan found become Katherine Heigl's sister? Does she still think it's WWII? Man, I hope not. I'm just gonna take a wild stab and say that they have different parents. Either that or a Japanese hooker called Mrs. Heigl with a secret. Oh Mr. Heigl, you naughty boy."
Points For Good Behavior: Not Applicable. Cunt? Check. Pubic hair jokes? Check. Racist zingers? Check.
The Sentence: We'll let the Jezebel Jury decide that one.