Revisiting "Sex & The City": Mr. Big Appears.... And This Time, Things Will Be Different i.e. The Same

This week's regurgitated Sex & The City column, dated April 1996 (ooooh, theme song: Lush, "Ladykiller") takes place in Aspen. Which is sort of like, if Candace's usual uberrich, retardedly-named cast of characters is orange juice, Aspen would be the pungent canned Minute Maid version of that — concentrate, frozen. (Hah! Frozen for ski season. So Samantha, that joke!) Speaking of which: Samantha shows up in this column, as does Mr. Big, and you know what? Big and Carrie kinda dig one another. But they can't commit! But they also can't stop all those constant unceasing neverending pangs of jealousy they feel whenever a terribly complex and finely-drawn supporting character enters stage right.... Lessee, this week's supporting characters are named: Stanford Blatch (who also goes by Hercules), some guy who only goes by Prometheus, Suzannah Martin, Tyler Kydd, Bob Milo, some slut named Ray, Rock Gibralter. Key accessories: white boots, mink coat, Lear Jets, cigars.

Plot summary: Sometimes Carrie feels so romantic around Mr. Big, like when he talks about how he used to be poor and salt-of-the-earthy, and then she plays around in the snow suggesting she was maybe salt-of-the-earthy, and they take a sleigh around the ski town and she gets him to buy her a $4 trinket in exchange for a blow job (OMG they should make a Christmas carol out of this!) and they talk about things a little — not actually in any sort of direct or forthright way, because that would spoil the mystery! — and it is so very clear they are meant to be together.... But then they go to a party and everyone drinks and smokes pot and talks in their terribly witty and clever New York banter (Sample exchange: Mr Big: "I didn't know you were a birdwatcher." Sanford Hercules: "I'm not looking for birds. I'm looking for tail." Short pause. "I'm checking out the private jets so I'll know what kind to buy." Double entendrelous!) and Carrie drinks and smokes pot but does not eat because she is from New York where they do not eat, and pretty soon she confronts some willowy young admirer of Big and also vomits out every last hors d'eourve. It's how she stays skinny! And also — long sigh — single.

Separate Bedrooms In Aspen [New York Observer]