Fox Business News: Where Are All The Hot, Semi-Fat Male Anchors?

All day long I've been watching Fox Business News, the new Rupert Murdoch-owned cable channel that is the big obsession of media industry types right now. Anyway, I think the deal is was originally that it was supposed to somehow cover business in way that was even more aggressively pro-business than CNBC, but then that turned out to be impossible so they told everyone they would have hotter chicks. Which is also pretty impossible! So yeah, I've been watching, and they certainly have some cute women who can sorta pronounce "Bernanke" whatevs, but the newscasts are actually really heavy on the men, none of whom I would ever do. Whereas! CNBC, for its part, has long had a huge posse of schlubby male news anchors with Cherry Garcia guts and rings around their armpits who I have always fantasized about, shortsighted stock market cheerleading and corporate excess apologisting be damned! Specifically, ahem, Joe Kernen, because he is, if you weren't aware, awesome.

And Carl Quintanilla, who is soooo cute (albeit kinda fat.) And David Faber, who is adorable (albeit kinda fat.) And Chuck Gasparino, who broke the story of the hedge fund managers taking estrogen pills, which is probably the best thing I read about all year. Pretty sure he is also on the pudgy side, and def "hirsute." But one of the best things about watching CNBC is that it's like watching Knocked Up: the women are all hotter than the men, but the guys are really funny, and eventually the women loosen up and the guys start to look more attractive for sheer lack of variety, and maybe that's how the gender roles have always worked, but regardless, after awhile you forget you're just watching a bunch of pawns in the larger inexorable scheme to widen the American income gap and learn to appreciate the jokes.