Sometimes reading Cosmo is how we'd imagine reading the newspaper in an Eastern bloc country in the sixties, only instead of being a mouthpiece of the party and tool of the state, Cosmo feels like the mouthpiece of a bunch of tools at state school who party too much. So anyway, as with reading Pravda or the China Daily, a critical read of Cosmo requires careful analysis of linguistic nuances, penmanship, institutional history and a lot of other techniques we have in recent months become too damn bored to apply. But the November issue grabbed us by the proverbial balls! (Ha ha, and yes, obligatory "his balls are fragile" sex tip on page 106 next to obligatory "reverse cowgirl" reference.) For starters, who the fuck is that blonde on the cover? Is she famous? Lacking a hand-written questionnaire for us to submit to forensics — a tactic we had heard from a Hearst publicist had not exactly ingratiated Jezebel to Cosmo — we concluded "no." Weirder, she doesn't even seem to be a famous model, or even a particularly pretty one, especially in the "aggressively conventional" sense of pretty we are used to seeing on the cover of Cosmo. She's got sharp features and blunt-cut bangs! And an expression on her face that seems to say, "I am losing patience with this retardedness." And guess what! Inside there were signs others at Cosmo may be as well. Signs of struggle:
- For starters: This picture, shot to illustrate "How Partying Too Much Can Kill You." Bangs again! And stains on her stockings! And a somewhat realistic looking scenario!!! What's going on?
- The page 106 feature, "What Not To Do In Bed," contains tons of "real guy" quotes that actually sound as if they might have origins in "real guys." For example: "If she just lies there completely while I toss her around and arrange her limbs, it's like fooling around with a corpse."
- There's a little piece on how rubbing yogurt on a tampon can help you ward off an impending yeastie. DIY!
- An NFL cheerleader "writes" an anonymous column about how creepy and ridiculous it is to be an NFL cheerleader and by the way cheerleading sucks. More edge!
- A story on those birth control pills that get rid of your period goes balls-out and basically says, "You might as well go on it; you don't really need to get your period as much as you do anyway, fuck periods." Decisive! And somewhat thought-provoking.
Yeah, so none of this probably means anything, but hey! One fewer magazine to skip this month.