Where the fuck has Paris Hilton been all these Britney-crazed days? Now we know! This week's Newsweek tracks down the star in her undisclosed location and reveals she is in hiding after experiencing a crisis of conscience in jail. "When I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside," she says. So she cut her hair! And then wore a wig for her appearance in Newsweek. And she's going to Rwanda for a whole five days where she will touch children and "resort to eating candy bars" if that's what it takes to get through all that grim reality! And also film a reality show called The Philanthropist about the whole thing. It's all a part, Newsweek maintains, of the mindboggling duality that is Paris!
Hilton does have a kind of schizophrenic voice. When she meets someone, she puts on that familiar slow whisper, almost as if she's checking you out before she lets her guard down. When she does, she's sweet and chatty, like a high-school girl hoping to win your vote for homecoming queen. "I think she only uses her real voice with people who are close to her," says her sister, Nicky. "It's a rather weird concept, if you think about it.
Uh, yeah, so weird. But you know what's weirder? That having no redeemable talent beyond fucking and muttering incomprehensibly racist crap on video, then driving under the influence of alcohol and assuming you are above the law, then serving jail time while writing missives that expose to the world how almost unbelievably incapable of brain activity you really are, is the new way to get taken seriously by a leading national newsmagazine!