Celebrity Rehab: The Only "Promise" Is Lindsay Will Remain A Coke-Addled Lush Who Can't Drive

Call me naive; I always figured that, profligacy/paparazzi/presence of other addicted photogenic celebs aside, Lindsay was on balance better off in rehab than at, you know, Hyde. Really, what was I thinking? There is no crop of people more price-insensitive than a bunch of people used to watching a few grand disappear inside their nostrils every day, which is why the sliding scale for rehab in Malibu ranges from the ghetto no-frills cost of $15,000 a month to practically 70 grand a month at Passages, and not that I really give a shit about the exploitation and mistreatment of celebrities but I would like a little variety in my TMZ news cycle and today's LA Times investigation into Promises etc. actually managed to piss me off: there aren't even any fucking doctors working at these places!

Asked about the website staff listings for several Malibu centers, Lisa Fisher, spokeswoman for the state Department of Alcohol and Drug Programs, which licenses the firms, said the agency planned to investigate. "There should be no medical staff," Fisher said. "No medical services."

Fisher said the Malibu centers are allowed to recommend doctors to patients but that they should not create the impression that they have in-house physicians available to prescribe and administer drugs or provide other types of medical care.

Similarly, physicians are permitted to serve as counselors at rehab centers, but even in that role, they must refrain from practicing medicine as staff members, said Rebecca Lira, deputy director of licensing and certification for the alcohol and drug department. "I have never seen a physician who is only a counselor," Lira said.

Okay, so let me see if I have this straight: no one at these centers has any idea what the fuck they are doing, and they're probably only working there to sleep with celebrities and get paid off by paparazzi, which is why they tolerate it when the celebrities say racist things that offend everyone at rehab, and all of this makes a certain Jesus freak self-promoting felonious leech look good, well, that's Hollywood I guess. Oh also: everyone totally gets drunk and high all the time, and it's pretty much how Philip K. Dick could have predicted.


The Trouble With Rehab, Malibu Style [LA Times]