So there's been some big hoo-hah about the abortion rights crowd sending out mass text messages to supporters because our tender eyes are too impressionable not to go out and get an abortion every time we're reminded it's still legal. Which made us think: how many ill-advised text messages have you sent only to wake up pining for the text message equivalent to Plan B? Like for example, this is the actual text of an actual text message I sent early this morning. To an actual person!

"fear dumbass, you needn't fare seventeen, and who the fuck cares. like you"
What, were they spiking the beverages with SENILITY? Or did predictive text prevent me from sounding even more profound? Okay, so: because not every state is as progressive as Virginia, where people are actually getting fined for sending annoying texts, I hereby deem the space "after the jump" your graveyard for your best specimens of drunk text. With a very special set from a certain ladyfriend of ours on Capitol Hill.

Him: "Oi! Fantasy fulfillment on deck. Interested?" (1:05 a.m.) Her:" Was sound asleep, just saw this this a.m. Intriguing offer. Hope your show went well, will try to catch it next time" (9:50 a.m.) Him: "Lol! Me & [redacted] wanted 2 commemorate our biggest gig yet w/ a tag team & I knew the perfect girl" (10:04 a.m.)

And that, guys, is the difference between girls and dudes. We regret it in the morning! Which is why we're the only ones allowed to have babies.