The original god-awful reality show, The Bachelor, launched its umpteenth season last night, introducing us to our latest bachelor, Brad. (Yes, Brad.) The Bachelor, as many know, is a show that has never failed to prove itself to be utterly terrifying and disturbing and judging from last night's premiere, this season is going to be no better (worse?) than ever before. Host Chris Harrison (who clearly has come a long way since hosting Designer's Challenge on Home & Garden Television) even said so himself! If we're not mistaken, the conversation went pretty much as follows:
Chris: "You have no idea what you're in for."
Brad: "Haha - yeah!"
Chris: "No really — some of these girls are crazy."
Here's what we learned last night about Brad. He grew up as a rich kid in Atlanta. Then his parents got divorced and he had to move with his mom and brothers to a trailer in Texas. Then he worked in the oil fields for ten years. Then he and his brothers opened up a bar. Now he is a millionaire. Or, as he himself puts it, he "has a little money in the bank." (Aw! And modest too!) Somehow, the trauma of growing up lower-middle class like the rest of America made him into a sweet, kind, hot soul who just wants "to be that perfect husband." The kind that bathes (We saw a clip of him, waist-up, in the shower.) And jogs (We saw a clip of him jogging, shirt off.) And wears boxer briefs. (You get the idea.) Lastly, and perhaps most tellingly, Brad has a twin brother. Named Chad. (You can see where that is going too.)
As for the ladies, there were 25 of them, 10 of whom were booted off by the end of the episode. We're not saying they're dumb, but pretty much all we heard come out of any of their mouths was "OMG! He is SO hot!". They also giggled. A lot. Idiotically. Like Jenni, whose winning formula of high-pitched giggle and career as some sort of dancer/cheerleader caught Brad's eye the second she disembarked from the limousine and won her the greatly-coveted "First Impression" rose. ("I'm from Kansas!" she said. "Then we'll get along real fine," he said.) There was also Lindsay, a tall, blonde, and thin "model" from Michigan who found out that Brad was from Texas and burst out with "Yellow Rose of Texas" but who couldn't sing a lick; and Mallory, a nanny from Hawaii who slunk around the house clad in nothing but a bikini. Not surprisingly, all three of those women made the cut.
Those who didn't make the cut? Morgan, a graduate student who pulled Brad aside for a little one-on-one... to show him that she has webbed feet; Juli ("With no 'e' at the end!" she boasted), a law student who showed Brad how she can turn herself into a human pretzel; Melissa, a party planner who got drunk as a skunk, slurred her words, failed to make a coherent sentence, and lost one of her bra-stuffing silicon chicken cutlets over the course of the evening; and basically every minority woman on the show, other than Jade, who is probably half-Caucasian anyway and managed to hold on for another week.
But frankly we're pulling for Kristy. She's the beautiful, brunette acupuncturist. Given that our acupuncturist is without fail the most spiritually and emotionally evolved person we know, we're willing to generalize and assume that everybody in the profession is the same. At the very least, it's about time that Chinese medicine made it to primetime!
The Bachelor [ABC]