No Coffee, No Justice, No Peace: A Morning With Bill & Martha

Guess who's in Martha Stewart's television studio this morning? Bill Clinton! And both Moe and Jennifer are there in the audience to observe the goings-on. Will Martha feed Bill baby-back ribs by hand? Will Bill try to cop a feel behind the TV studio kitchen counter? After the jump, the girls liveblog via BlackBerry.



9:56 (Moe):"Ugh, no coffee, no caffeine I am dying. Overheard on the bench next to me: 'I'm bloated as it is.' There are muffins and there is water but there is no caffeine and I want to kill myself. Before we came in, we were like, 'Where can we get coffee?' And the lady was like, 'Come in and get your badges first' and we came in and got our badges and then, sorry guys, you're shit out of luck! Argh, anyway, so that's why I can't think up a 'personal' question to ask Bill Clinton. I can only think of shit like, 'So who are you doing these days? And, so Norman Hsu... Some brass balls on that guy huh?' Jenny says she is in awe of the pristine whiteness of the room we in which we are waiting. She feels closer to Martha, she says. I feel closer to death. I bet pristine whiteness has something to do with the no coffee policy. We are now being barked at by a man with very high blood pressure that we have to turn off our BlackBerries." [Uh-oh. -Ed.]
9:59 (Jen): "You're on camera the whole time. I will not have my crackbaby confiscated."
10:34 (Anna): Okay, the jig may be up. It looks more and more likely that the Moe and Jennifer were kicked out of the TV studio or, at the very least, relieved of their BlackBerries (by a hot Secret Service agent, one hopes).
10:49 (Jen): "We're sitting here waiting and watching them ready the set. We are seated in the 2nd to last row and I worry that's because they think we're ugly; the seating is way not arbitrary. They look at you and then decide your fate. All 'minorities' in front row."
10:50 (Moe): "She is right - there is no justice for us whites on Martha set. The blacks, they get preferential treatment. The people need to know; we should march on this later. Also, I just witnessed most awe-inspiring table-setting process ever will write more when I don't feel the eye of Martha secret police on my every keystroke."
10:56 (Moe): "Okay I've decided that as long as they are blasting the Franz Ferdinand I should be able to relay my thoughts. Firstly, you should know that this set is a wonder. All mauves and golds and earth tones. To the left of the kitchen area is another, professional kitchen that is glassed in and looks equally immaculate, if less homey, than the kitchen on set. To the right of the kitchen is a sewing room of sorts and to the right of that is a faux greenhouse, bedecked in flowers, that opens to a floor where a table once was. A few minutes ago three people emerged and began going about the process of setting the table. One produced a tablecloth from a tall roll sheathed in a cylindrical plastic bag, then unrolled it onto the table, while another laid out a few plates as the third, a woman, unfurled a tape measure. There were about ten minutes of deliberation, with subtle movements in the placement of the plates and tape measure, when suddenly the largest man was rolling back the tablecloth and returning it to its customized plastic bag. The table was carried out by two other men. So yeah, lest you thought, 'I bet there's a lot of fucking around on the set of the Martha Stewart show,' I'm here to tell you, they're really not fucking around."
11:00 (Moe): We saw a black girl ushered up the stairs to our section. 'What did THAT girl do wrong?' Jenny said, sotto voce. 'Um, she totally has an obvious weave,' I said."
11:02 (Jenny): "I am disheartened. They had said they were going to use my global warming question - they even put a red star on my ticket meaning that I am one if the chosen ones - but now, alas... Wait, Martha is here! Time to begin!"
12:49 (Moe): "We're about to get let out of here... Martha was nervous and couldn't ask any questions she sort of just babbled and said the word 'initiative' a gazillion times. But we're apparently all about to get a bunch of free shit. Most unscripted moment happened when a member of the audience asked Bill what he would most like Martha to cook for him and he said chicken enchiladas. Like, really? Even I know that if Martha is cooking it has to involve, like phyllo dough. Right? Hands raw from enforced clapping. During commercial breaks they played appropriate songs starting with 'Chelsea Morning'. 'Chelsea Morning' is not a good song. "
12:50 (Jenny): "It was sorta sad that the whole hour was just Bill talking about saving the world. There should have been cooking or crafting or at least something like the "best way to make a bed" she did last week. There was nothing distinctly Martha about anything they did. Couldn't they have pulled an Alice Waters and made us an organic meal? Martha was wearing a skirt suit. I have never seen her in a skirt before. EVER. Even during her trial! It was clearly her 'special look' presidential outfit. She was SO nervous. She even commented on what a major faux pas it was when she wore a pink cropped pantsuit to a formal White House dinner. She turned bright red retelling the story. (She clearly still has nightmares about it.) She should have worn pants, she should have roasted a chicken, and she should have decoupaged. She should have been Martha. We did however get printers and some Whole Foods stuff. And Bill's book, natch."