Just the other day, there was a piece on Science Daily about how women often misdiagnose themselves as having a yeast infection, when it's really something else, like bacterial vaginosis or Trichomonas vaginalis. Well, who knew, but there's now a drugstore test, akin to a home pregnancy test, but instead of peeing on stick, you insert it into your vaginal canal for a few seconds and get a result within minutes. Luckily, we know tons of people with vaginas, one of whom — Calisha Jenkins — was experiencing yeast-like symptoms. So we asked her to take the test, she agreed, and then let us know what was going on down there. After the jump, the results. (Warning, it is not for the faint of heart or stomach.)
I have been shoving garlic up my vagina for the past 24 hours — a home remedy that I'm hoping will kill whatever is making my crotch froth. This infection could be the result of a number of things. I recently got off antibiotics for a gnarly bug bite on my leg. Everyone knows antibiotics are one of the leading causes for the yeast beast.
I also let a dude with some unsavory-smelling grillz go down on me last week. Probably not the cleanest thing I could let near my cooch. On Friday night, my band played at a house party. I woke up the next day on the couch, still in my nude suits: Layers of full-body pantyhose, all of which were drenched in beer. After all the boozin', antibiotics, and general dirty play, it really came as no surprise that things got stanky in my panties by Sunday.
To counteract that, I wrapped a garlic clove in cheesecloth and wedged in my vagina. I was sure I had arrived in Yeast Infection City. But then Slut Machine told me about this study on Science Daily, about how women are commonly misdiagnosing themselves with yeast infections. She suggested I try out this Vagisil Screening Kit to see if it really was a yeast infection after all.
The test is fast and easy — you just wash your hands, insert the smaller end of the swab (with the pH paper on it), and press it against your vaginal wall for five seconds, then take out the stick and match it to a level on the color chart pH guide the test provides. Mine came out looking like the color of baby poop. It was what I feared: Definitely not a yeast infection. Either I'm battling Bacterial Vaginosis (BV) or Trichomoniasis (Trich). BV is a bacterial infection, where as a yeast infection is a fungal one. Trich is the same thing that Charlotte got on Sex in the City when her vagina had to go on antidepressants. It is caused by a parasite and that is totally nast. If it is the Trich, I blame it all on stink teeth. Either way, I need to get my legs in the stirrups and take care of this mess for good. Good thing I was too broke to buy Monistat, because apparently if you have BV and you treat it with an over-the-counter yeast infection medication, you can aggravate the condition. I can, however, still slather plain yogurt all over the place to ease the burn and plug it up with garlic to keep up the fight until I can get a doctor to look at my flaming lips.