In this week's Midweek Madness: "Baby Shock" while "Mommy's Crying" and "Joel's Cheating," with Brad Pitt throwing in the towel and poor, childless Jennifer Aniston somehow staying newsworthy. Some of the stories are good, some are too good to be true, and others are stupid, obvious fabrications — or worse, boring. After the jump, take a deep breath and join us as we sniff out the contents of the new issues of OK!, Life & Style, Us, Star and In Touch.
"Jen's finally ready for love," the cover claims. Inside, Jennifer Aniston is "smiling again" because everyone saw pictures of her in that teeny-weeny bikini and it boosted her confidence. Snooze! Also inside: Bearded Canadians Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds are "surprise look-alikes"; Eva Longoria is opening a restaurant in L.A. called Beso; Prince William's gf Kate Middleton is a "quiet queen" while Prince Harry's is a "party princess"; Jennifer Garner lost her baby weight by getting on the treadmill and ditching doughnuts (Tori Spelling lost 40 pounds on NutriSystem). In the "How Real Is Reality TV?" story, a producer says "if we miss a scene where someone on the show kisses someone and we didn't get the angle we want, we ask them to reshoot the scene"; "Brit's Battle With Food & Pills" claims that Britney Spears is taking Stacker 2, drinking Red Bull and coffee and working out, but has no self control and binge eats when she is stressed. Plus: Kate Hudson and Dax Shepard are in love; Katie Holmes wants a sister for Suri; and inside Kimora Lee Simmons' fashion week soirée — including a pic of her and Djimon Housou gazing adoringly into each others' eyes.
Grade: C (A tad musty)
"Baby Shock" the cover screams. Inside, the magazine claims that Angelina Jolie is too thin to conceive. On the other hand, Jennifer Lopez is "about 12 weeks pregnant." She had an ultrasound on September 12 and is due in the spring. Also inside: "Lindsay's New Man Is Married:" Tony Allen, 39, had sex with Lindsay Lohan in rehab, says a source. "Wouldn't you?" There's a funny interview with Kelly Osbourne, mostly about her weight; Paris Hilton's new guy is a "sexy Swedish tourist"; rapper Ludacris and actress Gabrielle Union are dating; Ryan Phillippe says "I was ready to kill myself" after he split from Reese Witherspoon; Owen Wilson has turned to food after his suicide attempt and gained 10 lbs from ice cream and lasagna; Demi Moore's changing her passport, credit cards and driver's license to read Demi Kutcher; Pamela Anderson is moving in with boyfriend Rick Salomon; Patrick Dempsey's twins will appear on Grey's Anatomy; and a two-page spread of "The Best Denim For Fall" is modeled by The Hills star Audrina Patridge.
Grade: B- (Just a whiff of foulness)
The cover asks, "Joel Cheating On Pregnant Nicole... With Hilary?" And inside, a possible answer: Joel Madden has texted Hilary Duff a few times in the past few weeks and Nicole Richie considers it "emotional cheating." Also inside: A drunk Vince Vaughn crashed the stage at L.A. club Bordello, started singing an Elvis song off-key, stumbled through the lyrics and got heckled; Transformers actress Megan Fox's nose job "looks natural"; there's trouble in paradise for Lost stars Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan; Carmen Electra and Joan Jett are making "their relationship a priority"; Tom Cruise plans to build a $10 million bunker under his Colorado mansion where 10 people can survive for years in case Xenu comes; Jessica Simpson is in therapy to find out, according to a source, "why a girl like her, who seemingly has everything in the world, still isn't happy". Plus: George Clooney's new love was a hostess at a Las Vegas nightclub when they met, but her high school boyfriend says she used to be a "hippie chick." (She also had larger nose back then.) And last, but not least, Lindsay Lohan is reportedly terrified to leave rehab and plans on staying another two or three months because L.A. gives her social anxiety.
Grade: B+(Relatively aromatic)
Life & Style
"Brad Says I'm Done With Angie," reads the cover. (This is probably the last issue that Mark Pasetsky edited, by the way.) The story inside claims that Angelina is "so insecure, Brad's caught her going through his pockets" and Brad is so fed up he called his sister Julie and said "I'm done with Angie." Also inside: Heroes' Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panettiere: "Yep, they're dating!"; Lindsay Lohan was given a mock obituary in rehab — saying that she'd died in a drunk-driving accident — and it "scared her straight"; Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad are feuding via interviews with CosmoGirl! and Seventeen; Oprah has gained 30 lbs; Ryan Seacrest and Ben Affleck may have indulged in Botox and Jeremy Piven has a hair transplant (duh). And last but not least, there's a "red wine diet" that Jessica Simpson might try, and we're considering it, too.
Grade: D (Fetid)
"Mommy's Crying," sobs the cover. Inside, "Why Is Mommy So Sad" is a story you already sort of know: Britney Spears rewatched her VMA performance and "broke down into complete and utter hysterics." On son Jayden's birthday, there was no big party because Britney had to be in a three-hour custody meeting. "She loves her children so much, but it's like she's never been taught how to properly take care of them," a source says. In addition, Britney has been seen using an inhaler, even though she doesn't have asthma. "She's doing it to lose weight," says an insider. Also inside: Heidi Montag's birthday party was basically just Heidi and Spencer Pratt; 16 pages of "Hollywood Power Players" including Mary J. Blige, Charlie Sheen, Kanye West and the dude who played McLovin in Superbad .
Grade: C- (Reeks)